Drabbles
by LunarLacrimosa
Summary: Random drabbles. Bunnies found on the 'net, random pairings, random ideas, anything. PM or review if you have suggestions! Rating subject to change per chapter. First chapter: Optimus is seven letters. Seven is a prime number. Chapter two: Cybertronians lay eggs. Sam finds this out when he finds Barricade's egg. Chapter three: It's winter and Miles dares Sam to lick Bumblebee.
1. Prime Number

**AN: **Review or PM if you have any suggestions for a drabble I should do! I'm willing to do some pairings or some random plots.

* * *

**_Prime Number_**

It had taken Sam awhile to work up the courage to tell his best friend about the Autobots.

Miles had been there for Sam since Kindergarten, long before Mikaela had ever shown up in the picture, and after he finally got the girl he realized what he had done to his friend at the lake hadn't exactly been very… friendly. But Miles was willing to forgive him, always forgave him even when Sam tended to hold a grudge. He didn't even ask why Sam had a brand new car or why he suddenly looked like he had gone ten rounds with a pro boxer and lost.

The day that he told his friend had only been because of how easily he seemed to know things. Miles had spent the night after a long day of helping his parents fix their garden, and that morning he made Sam and Mikaela, who had just come over, breakfast. In the background the TV had been on the news, and a report about Mission City ran. Miles had stared at the TV for a minute, then looked at Sam as he sat against Mikaela, arm wrapped around her.

"Well," Miles had said finally, "I'm just happy you're both safe."

Sam was silent for one long moment, and then he had just blurted out the truth to the blonde he had known forever and a day, Mikaela snorting by his side as he went blue in the face trying to get everything out. Like with everything else, Miles had been surprisingly accepting, and had inconspicuously guilted Sam until he agreed to take his friend to meet everyone.

And now Miles was at the Autobot base, surrounded by Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Optimus Prime. Sam and Mikaela stood beside him, enjoying watching their friend's reactions to all of the 'bots, and Will stood just a few feet away, arms crossed in amusement. It was funny to watch someone else be in awe of the Autobots, especially when you never got to see your own face.

"And who are you?" Miles asked, head tilted back to look at the towering form of Optimus Prime.

The Prime had allowed the other members of his faction to trade introductions with the teen first, and naturally Bumblebee had been the first of all of them. Then he was introduced to Ratchet, and then Ironhide. And this time he made sure to keep an optic on his Medic to make sure he didn't say anything that would be embarrassing for the teen, and an optic on his Weapons Specialist to make sure the mech didn't scare the poor organic with his cannons.

"This is Optimus," Sam answered for the Prime. "He's their Prime."

"Well I could have told you that."

Sam and Mikaela blinked at him in confusion, even Will raising an eyebrow. Ratchet vented, trying to cover up a snort, while Ironhide let his engine rumble in confusion.

"How could you have possibly known that?" Ironhide asked.

Miles grinned, "Optimus is seven letters. Seven is a prime number."

Sam stared at his friend slack jawed, Mikaela's and Will's expression mirroring his own. None of them should have been as amazed by that as they were. It didn't help that they all could have realized this even without Miles. But Miles, someone who had only met the Autobots five minutes ago, was the one to point it out, more than amused by it, too.

The three already in the know had an eerily similar thought, going along the lines of: freaky alien robots and their freaky coincidences…


	2. Keeping Warm

**AN: **Taken from TFbunnyfarm, given by conure_herder. A mother-hen Barricade was a hilarious image in my head. And an egg warmer Sam!  
Plot: What if Transformers laid eggs?

* * *

**_Keeping Warm_**

"Sam, listen to me, I want you to stay here. Stay hidden."

Sam had nodded dumbly, watching as Bumblebee had then transformed and chased Barricade. This had not been how he had planned to spend his night, not at all. Originally he was supposed to go to the movies with Mikaela, but when the girl canceled he had invited Miles instead.

On the way to pick up his best friend Bumblebee had gotten a comm from Optimus. The Prime had told them that a gas station camera had caught Barricade siphoning some of the gas, and they had been able to pin point his general location to an abandoned warehouse. He had ordered Bumblebee after the rogue Decepticon, telling the Scout to locate him and give him a choice. Join the Autobots or be taken out as a potential threat.

And of course Bumblebee would never take Sam near danger if he could help it. The Scout hadn't gotten anywhere near the abandoned warehouse before Barricade was out of it and racing away. Bumblebee only paused to set Sam inside the warehouse and tell him to stay hidden before he was tearing after the Decepticon.

Now Sam was on his own, glancing around the warehouse with nothing else to do. He wandered further inside and could see signs of Barricade's stay there, claw marks on the walls or burn marks on the floor in the form of tire treds. A few empty gas containers, and even one or two of what Sam recognized as empty Energon cubes. Whatever it had been used for before it no longer held any hints to, but Sam could clearly follow around Barricade's mess as if it was a trail. It eventually led him to the only room that had any sort of light coming out of it, and when he went in he stopped dead in his tracks.

In the middle of the room was only something that could be called a nest, no other name for it really what with the huge egg sitting in it, laying on it's side. The nest itself seemed to be made out of sheets. Sam moved closer to the nest in shocked awe, and when he got close enough he put a hand on the egg gently.

The egg itself was a dull grey, and when Sam touched it he realized it was metal. It was also about a head taller than him, and if he tried he only would have been able to wrap his arms around up to half of it.

He also realized it could only be Barricade's, that holy shit Cybertroians laid eggs, and that it seemed rather cold. Weren't eggs supposed to be kept warm? He remembered watching March of the Penguins and seeing how imperative it was for the flightless birds to keep their eggs warm. Logically, it only made sense that all eggs, even giant metal ones, would need to be kept warm.

He hated Barricade, but the thought that Bumblebee wouldn't hesitate to kill the 'con if he refused to join the Autobots, or got in a fight with the Scout, made him sad. It meant that whatever was inside of the egg would never have a parent, could possibly die without one for all Sam knew, could possibly die without heat.

Sam bunched the sheets up closer to the egg and then sat down, doing his best to wrap himself around it as much as he could.

* * *

Sam jerked awake when he heard the sound of heavy ped falls, and the teen realized he was sore, arms and legs not used to the kind of position he had been sitting in in his attempt to keep the egg warm.. He didn't have any time at all to hide before Barricade barged in to the room. The Decepticon froze, staring down at the organic, and Sam couldn't do anything but stare back. Absentmindedly he was happy to note that Barricade only had one scratch on him, not even leaking Energon anymore. But what really bothered him was the fact that meant he had either hurt Bumblebee enough to make him unable to continue, or had managed to lose the Scout at some point.

"I just- I just wanted to keep it warm!" Sam blurted, sounding desperate to his own ears, because really Barricade could probably kill him with a well-aimed flick of the claw.

And then the Decepticon was moving, walking over to the nest and then stopping. With two claws he picked Sam up by the back of his shirt, and for one horrible moment Sam thought he'd be tossed against a wall, but no, he was set down gently instead. In shock, Sam watched Barricade as the Decepticon went about checking his egg.

Barricade sat down, picked up the egg gently in clawed servos, and cradled it to his chassis, directly over what Sam knew to be the Spark chamber. A low rumbling started, and Sam was surprised when he realized it sounded like Barricade was _purring_.

He really needed to get out of there. A purring Decepticon, a giant metal egg, and the fact that he wasn't freaking out about either of those wasn't good. He really needed to find Bumblebee and just tell the Scout to leave, forget the fact that Barricade ever existed. A glance at the only door out and Sam took a step towards it, only for Barricade to growl.

"Stay." Barricade demanded, red optics looking up from the egg to glare at Sam.

Sam stopped immediately, ears straining to pick up any signs of his Guardian coming to his rescue, but he couldn't hear anything besides Barricade.

The Decepticon replaced his egg in the nest so that it laid on it's side, before bunching the sheets up around it once more. Then he grabbed the organic, ignoring the startled and undignified squawk that Sam let out, and positioned the human on top of it. The color seemed to drain out of Sam's face as he stared at the Decepticon, but he made no attempts to get off the egg. He only moved so he could lie down and curl up on the large egg, much like a cat would, red optics watching his every move. When he was done Barricade's engine revved, and Sam took it to be a sound of approval.

_I'm being used as a Decepticon egg warmer,_ Sam couldn't help but think a bit hysterically.

* * *

As soon as Bumblebee realized that Barricade had managed to shake him off he was racing back to the warehouse, desperate to get there and get Sam in case the Decepticon had decided to go back to it. And when Bumblebee pulled up, scanning the base, his Spark sank as he picked up the Decepticon's Spark signature and the familiar heat signature of his organic Charge. They were in the same room, and Bumblebee felt his Spark sink a little.

Years of being in the Great War had taught him to be cautious, even if Sam was in danger. If he could manage to sneak in and surprise the Decepticon he would have an easier time of taking back his Charge. So the Scout transformed into his bipedal mode, slipping into the warehouse as silently as possible and taking care to avoid the random litter that Barricade had left lying around. He even stilled his ventilation system, making it to the room where he picked up both Barricade and Sam, pressing up against the side of the door frame as silently as he could. And then he peered around it into the room.

There was Barricade and there was Sam, just like his scan had told him. What his scan hadn't told him was the fact that his Charge was curled up on an egg, obviously Barricade's. Sam had propped an elbow on the egg and was leaning his head in his hand, looking up at the Decepticon as Barricade looked down at both the egg and the organic. Something in his processor brought to Bumblebee's attention that Sam didn't look distressed at all, instead he looked… happy. Excited.

"Sing it again!" Sam demanded eagerly, "I felt it move!"

Barricade chuckled warmly, "The Sparkling is a mech, organic."

"Shut up and sing already!"

Years of being in the Great War had not prepared Bumblebee for _this_. His felt his processor start to freeze up, and when Barricade started to sing a Cybertronian lullaby it froze up completely. A few moments later Bumblebee crashed.


	3. Stuck on You

**AN: **Don't forget you can send in ideas you might want to see me do! Have one already but haven't gotten around to it yet. A surprising amount loved Barricade and his egg, and I did too actually. Might see more of that.  
**Plot:** It's winter, and boys will be boys. Sam's just happy that he at least knew where Bumblebee's been.

* * *

**_Stuck on You_**

It was rare when it snowed in Tranquility, Nevada. Whenever it did it was always tradition for Sam to invite his best friend over for a snow ball fight and then a cup of hot coco. Especially if it was a snow day, but those were so rare they were practically nonexistent.

Sam and Miles shuffled outside, Judy having made sure that they were covered in enough layers to survive in the Arctic. Sam bent down and gathered some snow, already starting to form a snowball, but Miles stopped and just stared at something. When Sam glanced up and followed his gaze he realized his friend was staring at Bumblebee. Or, to put it more accurately, the 2009 yellow and black Camaro sitting in his driveway.

"Dude, I dare you."

He didn't need to see the grin on Miles face to know what he was talking about. Inside his head Sam let lose a string of curses that would have impressed Ratchet, because knowing his blonde friend there was no way out of it. Miles didn't know Bumblebee was alive, if he did he would have never suggested it, but since he didn't and assumed Bumblebee was a normal car that meant he was fair game.

"That doesn't actually happen, Miles." Sam said, rolling his eyes.

He supposed he should just be happy Miles hadn't chosen a random pole or something else. He at least knew where Bumblebee had been, and when he had last been washed.

Miles snorted, "Does too."

"Does not!"

Or at least he really hoped not. He thought back, and was pretty sure he'd never heard of it happening before. He'd heard of the idea of it, sure, but it actually happening? No.

"Chicken."

Well, that just couldn't be allowed to pass. Sam heaved a sigh, and then trudged over to where Bumblebee was parked, innocently sitting in his driveway. His poor Guardian had to have some idea by now that something was going to happen, but not what. He shoved his hands in his pockets, snow soaking in from when he had been starting to get a snowball ready, and threw a glance over his shoulder to gauge how close Miles was. Good, a few feet away.

"Sorry, Bee." Sam muttered, so softly that Miles never heard anything, but he knew the Autobot would have picked it up.

And then he stuck out his tongue, pressing it against the metal that was just above the window. Bumblebee was as perfect as ever in his disguise as a normal car, not reacting in the least even though Sam himself was about to flip out. When he tried to pull back he couldn't. He tried again, pulling a little harder, and then whined. He was stuck. Miles snickered while Sam took his hands out of his pockets, placing them on either side of the window and trying to detach himself that way.

"Mithles!" Sam whined, but it was hard to talk when you tongue was attached to a robot disguised as a car.

"You're gonna rip out some taste buds if you keep pulling, dude."

"MITHLES!"

A laugh, sounding dangerously close to a cackle. "Give me a second and I'll get some hot water, it'll warm the metal and set you free."

Sam glanced to his side, hearing Miles move closer, and growled when he saw the blonde take out his phone.

"Say cheese!" Miles said cheerfully.

"Futh 'ou!"

Miles smirked, "Ah-ah, be nice. I could just leave you like that."

"Ah HATH 'ou!"

Miles snickered and trotted his way back to Sam's house. Sam groaned, letting his forehead slump against the hood. After a few seconds he felt a slow tremble start up, before Bumblebee was practically shaking on his shocks.

The Autobot was _laughing_ at him.

"Shu' upth!" Sam smacked the door, though he knew it would have little effect. Bumblebee just shook harder.


	4. The Prime and the Organic

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.**  
Given by: **_Mikaela the Cat_. Not sure if this was what you were looking for, it ended up turning out longer than I wanted! Managed to be relatively serious until the end.  
**Plot:** An experiment of Wheeljack's causes Sam and Optimus to switch bodies. It also puts Sam off Rubix cubes for the rest of his life.

* * *

**_The Prime and the Organic_**

Somehow Sam and Optimus had ended up alone at the Autobot base. Out of all the Autobots on Earth, even compared to the newly arrived Wheeljack and Sideswipe, Sam spent the least amount of time with the Prime. He respected the Prime of course, and liked him, it was nearly impossible to do the opposite of either if you weren't a Decepticon. He just didn't actually know Optimus like he knew Bumblebee.

Which might explain the seemingly awkward silence hanging between them.

It was all Ratchet's fault, of course. There had been a sighting of Barricade and another Decepticon, so Ironhide and Sideswipe had gone off to find them with Figs, Will, and Epps in tow so the soldiers could see some action. Ratchet had followed to play nurse, and had dragged Wheeljack just as a standby. With the number of times the mech had blown himself up it wasn't a surprise he was counted as trained enough to be a quick patch Medic or a field Medic. On top of it all, Sam had managed to catch a cold, and Ratchet had ordered Bumblebee off base to pick up some medicine for the organic.

This left Sam alone with Optimus. With strict orders to keep an eye on the organic, the Prime had suggested they move to the rec-room and watch a movie together. Sam had let Optimus pick the movie, having no idea what the Prime might be interested in watching, and had ended up regretting that decision. He'd never been a big fan of Star Wars, but Optimus seemed to be enthralled by it.

Maybe that was why he was the first to notice the sound.

It was so low he almost didn't hear it, only noticing because he was trying to pay attention to anything but the movie and that was a good distraction. The more he listened the more noticeable it became, meaning it was slowly getting louder. It would alternate between starting and stopping, at first sounding like a dragging sound, but as it got louder more of a clanking.

"Did you hear that?" Sam asked, glancing at the Prime sitting near to him.

Optimus' optics never left the screen, "I know! I never would have thought Darth Vader was Luke's father!"

Sam blinked, before realizing that Optimus was talking about the movie. A glance at the screen confirmed that it was indeed the scene where Darth Vader revealed himself to be Luke's father. For a moment, the teen almost wanted to laugh. It was kind of cute that Optimus Prime was so into an Earth movie. Kind of mind-blowing, too, though. The Prime looked as excited as a little kid on Christmas.

"No," Sam grabbed the remote and paused the movie. The noise filled the room for a split second, making it obvious what he meant. "_That_. What is that?"

Optimus shuttered his optics for a moment, and appeared to be listening intently. When he opened them again he was looking directly at Sam.

"It is coming from the direction of Wheeljack's lab." The Prime said simply, and really that was all the explanation that was needed.

Sam frowned and sniffled, really hoping that the Scientist hadn't left a ticking time bomb behind when he went 'con hunting. He didn't think his stomach could take a mini-earthquake. Optimus didn't seem to be as worried as Sam, though, because the Prime was standing up and then walking out of the rec-room.

The teen stared after him for a second, trying to decide if it was worth it to follow, and then he was running to catch up. Even when the teen had caught up with the Prime, he had to keep trotting to stay along with the mech's large strides. It took Optimus less than two minutes to get to Wheeljack's lab, and Sam had to watch him disappear inside.

If he threw up or made himself worse just because he was trying to keep up with the Prime not only could he see Optimus feeling bad, but Ratchet throwing a fit, too. So he stopped, hands on his knees as he panted. After a minute there was a loud slamming noise, and Sam could just make out Optimus cursing loudly in Cybertronian. Perplexed, Sam went into the lab. The Prime was so loud he didn't even need to guess at which room, he knew immediately what one it was.

When he entered the room Sam had to stop and stare. It wasn't every day that you saw Optimus Prime in all his bipedal glory magnetized to some device in such an undignified position. The teen knew whatever it was had to be acting as a magnet because Optimus wasn't the only thing stuck to it, but he was certainly the most interesting thing. The device itself looked like a giant grey Rubix cube, random sparks of electricity jumping off it or between objects on it, and the Prime's face stuck to a top corner of it and pelvic plating to the face of it. His servos were on it too, the Prime desperately trying to get himself off the large cube.

"I'll call Wheeljack, yeah?"

It was the only thing he could think of to do, and Optimus just grunted, too busy trying to pry himself off, or at least keep the rest of himself off to do it himself. Plus it gave Sam the opportunity to take a picture to show the three soldiers later, and maybe even Bumblebee. Really, it almost looked like Optimus was humping it.

But when Sam took out his phone it went flying towards the giant Rubix like cube, and the teen nearly smacked himself in the face. Sam cursed, taking after his phone, but was unable to stop it before it attached itself to Optimus' servo.

Sam reached out, and he would have tried to pull it off if a dart of electricity hadn't gone straight from Optimus' servo to his own hand.

* * *

Sam started to wake up, but as soon as he did he wanted to go right back to sleep. He was just _so_ tired, and his body felt odd. Still being half asleep didn't leave much to be desired in the form of actual thought processes, something Sam was used to with his morning rush to school whenever he over slept. He was aware of some of the things in his surroundings, but at the same time he wasn't. The first thing he really picked out was Ratchet.

"Optimus?" He heard Ratchet call, but the Medic sounded too close.

That was right, the giant Rubix cube wanna be. Optimus had been stuck to it, his phone had gotten stuck to the Prime, and when he tried to retrieve it he had been shocked. So he had probably fainted and was laying somewhere near the Prime's peds.

"I know you're online, Optimus." Ratchet was growling now, "Talk to me and give me a status report."

Sam half wondered why Ratchet wasn't worrying over him. The Medic tended to freak more if something happened to one of the organics he deemed to be in his care then if one of the Autobots got hurt. It was only natural seeing as organics were so much more easily damaged.

"Ratchet," His own voice rang loud and clear in his ears, sounding tired. "I'm over here."

But he hadn't said anything.

Sam opened his eyes immediately, sitting up as fast as he could, but got dizzy because he seemed to be higher up for some reason. His eyes landed on his body, a hand rubbing at his face, and then his body sat up and opened its eyes. Then his eyes got wide, wider than he had ever thought possible, and Sam glanced down at his lap, only seeing metal. He then looked back into his own eyes, unsure what to say.

Ratchet looked between the two bodies currently in his Medbay. The body of his Prime was on one berth, and on the berth next to him was the body of Bumblebee's Charge. The two had awakened at almost the same exact time, but something was incredibly wrong. The two were just staring at each other in dull shock, and Sam had said something odd.

"Sam, raise your hand." Ratchet ordered gently, looking between the two.

When what should have been Optimus Prime's body raised its servo, Ratchet had nothing to say. For the first time in his very long existence, the Medic was utterly speechless. The Medbot recovered quickly, though.

"**_WHEELJACK!_**"

* * *

"So, you see, my invention did exactly what I wanted it to!" Wheeljack said cheerfully, head fins flashing a happy yellow color.

The Rubix like cube had been made with the intentions of being used as a drastic measure, according to the Scientist. Two Cybertronians would be attached to it, and then through a bunch of complicated words that had completely flown over Sam's head, their souls, their sparks, would switch. One Cybertronian would be an Autobot and the other Decepticon, so the Autobot could access the Decepticon's processor and get crucial information.

The Scientist had stressed the drastic measure it would have had to be used in. Sam didn't need to literally be in Optimus' head to know how fast the Prime would have turned the idea down had he known about it.

Wheelkack explained that when he left he must have accidentally switched it on, and that after a while of not being interacted with its magnetic field overcompensated so much that it could draw something as large as Optimus Prime in. The field itself was put in place to keep the possible unwilling participant's in place.

"Wheeljack, you will find a way to return us to our rightful bodies and then you will destroy that machine."

Sam had never realized he could look that scary, and if he could have he would have gulped. It was rare for Optimus to get angry, but when he did no one enjoyed it. The Prime's anger quickly put a damper on Wheeljack's good mood, and the mech just nodded. Optimus sat down, crossing his legs in a human position that Sam was surprised he even bothered to know, and then put his hands in Sam's lap.

When he saw Wheeljack's newest expressions, the Prime relented just a little. "This will give me an unexpected opportunity to familiarize myself with the organic more, so there is that."

And just like that Wheeljack was as happy as a puppy again. Sam watched, vaguely feeling like he should feel like he should laugh.

"Are you okay, Sam?" Ratchet asked, looking worried. "You've been surprisingly calm."

The Medic was right, of course. Sam figured he was just in shock, and he was half against freaking out just because he kept seeing the image of Optimus in the fetal position and sucking his thumb in his mind. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Wheeljack frowned, "I'll fix this as fast as possible. I have no idea how it even worked with an organic."

"So you have no idea how to reverse the affects?"

The Scientist obviously didn't hear the warning tone in the Medic's voice, because he just laughed and nodded. A second later he had been whacked so hard over the head that even Sam was seeing stars and wincing in sympathy. Ratchet growled, holding up the wrench threateningly, and Wheeljack held up his servos in an attempt to make peace. He was smart enough to back away, however, going near his Prime. Even if Optimus had been turned into an organic Ratchet was still likely to listen to him.

"Now, Ratch, I need to get to work. You knocking me offline won't get this fixed faster. Right, Optimus?"

But the Prime was half bent over, appearing mesmerized by something in Sam's lap. Whatever it was his head and hands blocked the view from the others.

"So _this_ is what the human penis looks like."

"DON'T LOOK AT THAT!"

"There's no need to be embarrassed, boy." Optimus chose to ignore Sam's order completely, "From what little I already know yours looks very normal. That is good."

Sam suddenly wished Megatron had killed him in Mission City. Or maybe the Decepticon actually had and this was the afterlife. It sure seemed like hell.


	5. Stuck on You part 2

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.**  
Given by: **_shadowhaseo_. I might build up to the everybody licking Barricade if I continue this, but here's a small portion of what you wanted. :D  
**Plot:** Regarding chapter 3- "I would love to see another scene like this only with a Decepticon involved".

* * *

**_Stuck on You part 2_**

It had been two weeks since Sam had gotten his tongue stuck on Bumblebee, and he had yet to live it down. Miles had posted the picture to facebook, and Sam had never thought that he shouldn't friend Captain Lennox and Sergeant Epps. Worst mistake ever. They'd found the picture because Sam had been tagged, and had hung on to it like dogs with a bone.

To make it even worse, the Autobots had acted the exact same way. Sam couldn't climb in his Guardian without being asked if he was either going to lick the Scout, or be warned about the dangers of sticking his tongue on stuff that might be dirty. He was so done with it, and knew that if he didn't get their attention off him he'd end up yelling at someone.

Maybe that was why he said it, or maybe he was just slightly sadistic towards Miles. It was probably a combination of the two.

"I dare you to lick that police car."

It had warmed up a lot, and all the snow had completely melted. Both boys had jackets on so it was still slightly chilly, but not enough to get Miles' tongue stuck to the object Sam wanted him to lick. The two boys were trudging up the hill to the lookout side by side, the police car Sam mentioned, Sam's Camaro, and an unidentified GMC top kick waiting for them at the top of the hill.

About a week ago Barricade had contacted Bumblebee about negotiations on joining the Autobots. It was a surprising choice, but the smartest move the Decepticon had available to him. With Megatron dead and a long standing feud with Starscream stopping him from going to the others, he really had no other choice. It was join the Autobots or be hunted down and killed because he was labeled as a potential threat.

This was the second day that Barricade had showed up to be talked to. Bumblebee had brought Ironhide with him so the Weapons Specialist could assess what weapons the Decepticon could have on him, and whether he might be lying about any. All three of them were in alt mode, not a soul, or holoform in sight as they talked through a private comm channel.

Since both Ironhide and Bumblebee were there, Bumblebee had felt safe in telling Sam that it was okay to go ahead and walk up to the lookout with Miles. They were basically done, and even if Barricade did try to attack one or both of the organics Ironhide and Bumblebee would stop him long before that. The Decepticon had been warned that he was to keep a low profile because Miles had no idea about the Cybertronians as of yet.

Miles shot his friend a sideways glance, "Dude, do you see that thing? It's ten levels of nasty. Who knows what dirt it's been rolling in."

"Chicken." Sam accused, though he knew that wouldn't be enough to get his friend to do it.

"You're damn right!"

"I'll give you $20."

"…deal."

His friend said nothing else, and when they reached the three vehicles Miles walked right over to the battered police cruiser. Sam quickly went and leaned against Bumblebee, watching as Miles tried to pick the best spot to lick. Miles finally decided on the window, tongue darting out as he made a face and licked, leaving a streak behind.

"Satisfied?" Miles asked, whirling around to face Sam and crossing his arms over his chest.

Sam felt Bumblebee start to tremble underneath him, and knew whatever Barricade was saying over the comm link had to be good if it was getting his Guardian to laugh. He happily imagined what kind of fit the irritable Decepticon might be throwing, and enjoyed it thoroughly. After the whole chasing and tossing around nonsense Barricade had done with him Sam thought he deserved a little payback.

He smirked, "You have no idea."


	6. Freudian Slip

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** Sam has never been a very good liar, especially not when Miles can read him like an open book. This causes him to slip up when he's talking about who he likes to his friend. He's pretty sure Bumblebee knows that he likes him, but he only finds out later how the Scout feels about him in return.

* * *

**_Freudian Slip_**

"You and Mikaela broke up," Miles muttered, shaking his head. "Barely even dated her five months, was it really worth kicking me out of your car?"

"Totally." Sam replied, sipping at his soda.

Both of them were sitting on Bumblebee's hood. Sam had pretended to drive them up to the lookout after a long study session at the library, and on the way there they had stopped to pick up some McDonalds. There was no way he was going to eat inside Bumblebee, or let Miles eat inside Bumblebee, so he had moved them outside. He had to try a little harder to not just wipe his fingers on his pants or whatever he was sitting on, but Miles thankfully was already a neat eater.

Miles had no idea about Bumblebee, though Sam knew his friend suspected something was up. He'd been very patient with it all, though, something Sam was incredibly thankful for. He didn't think he could stand losing Miles over keeping the Autobots a secret from him. Miles had been there for him since before Elementary School but he just couldn't go against the Autobots.

"So who do you like now, then?"

Being friends for such a long time meant Miles knew him incredibly well. So well that Sam often hated it, like he did now. He couldn't lie to his friend, Miles could see right through him.

Sam glowered down at Bumblebee's hood, trying to think of a way out of the upcoming conversation. With anything Miles deemed important, and who Sam liked would definitely be deemed so, the teen just wouldn't give up until he found out everything he could. And Sam didn't want to lie to his friend anymore, he'd lied long enough about the Autobots, and had been rude to him all that time ago at the lake.

"It's a guy." Sam mumbled, hoping that would deter Miles from asking anything else.

"A _guy_?" Miles eyebrows practically disappeared underneath the bangs of his blonde hair, and Sam tensed up. "Remind me to never change with you in the same room again, dude. So don't need you staring at my ass."

Sam made a face, "So not interested in your fugly ass, Mi."

Miles laughed, and Sam was relieved. Telling him that he was interested in a guy had been a huge risk, mainly because he not only had no idea how his friend would react to it, but also because it wasn't exactly true.

He was sitting on who he liked. Bumblebee identified as a mech, and his holoform was male as well, so Sam didn't feel like that was a lie. It didn't mean he was suddenly gay and making googley eyes at any man who passed by, though. Sam had pretty much gone straight from heterosexual to Beesexual, and the only reason he was able to keep his sanity was because Bumblebee had no idea, and he still found women arousing.

Sam wanted to tell Bumblebee, see what the Scout said because somehow he was hopeful, but he didn't have the guts. And now he had to deal with his best friend questioning him about the guy.

"So what does this guy look like?"

"Blonde hair, but a different shade from yours. Really tall, about to here." Sam stood and held his hand above his head to the point where Bumblebee had stopped his holoform out. Just about a head taller than his Charge was. He sat back down next to his friend, "Light blue eyes and tan. Kinda buff."

Miles was staring at him in horror, and Sam blinked in confusion.

"_Trent_?" The horror was just as evident in Miles' voice as it was on his face.

Sam realized that yes; he had basically perfectly described the jock with his rather undetailed description. Oh dear Primus, he couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. Even while he laughed he desperately shook his head no, if it hadn't been so funny it almost would have made Sam ill to think about it.

"No! Not Trent!"

"Thank God, dude. I thought you'd finally gone mad."

"Trust me, not even I'm that insane."

"Yeah, but you realize you basically kissed him, right? We both saw him and Mikky playing tonsil hockey more than once, and I saw you and Mikky do the same exact thing."

"Are you calling Mikaela sloppy seconds?"

"I value my balls too much, thank you."

Sam snorted, "Who I like is a lot better than Trent. Better than Kaela too, but don't you dare tell her I said that."

"Have I met him?"

"No, but you've been near him." Sam answered, which wasn't a lie. If near counted on and inside of, anyway.

"Damn! Does Mikky know him?"

"Yeah, almost as well as I do."

"How often do you see him?"

"Every day." Oops, that was a mistake.

Being such good friends meant Sam had often spent more than forty-eight hours in Miles' presence. And that also meant that Bumblebee would be wondering, too. If the Scout wasn't already, he had described his holoform fairly well. He'd done it without thinking, feeling too guilty to lie to Miles again.

"How the hell have you been sneaking him past me?"

"You sleep like a horse." That much was true. He could slip down at night while Miles slept on the floor and have a nice long talk with Bumblebee without having to worry.

Miles just huffed good naturedly, before continuing to grill Sam.

* * *

After hanging out at the lookout for about an hour, Sam agreed to drive Miles to the 24 hour convenience store so he could pick up some milk. Miles had thanked him and said he could just stay in the car, or let him walk home.

But after what Sam had said there was no way he wanted to be alone in Bumblebee for longer than he had to. Plus Miles lived about five blocks away from the convenience store and it was already getting dark. It would be better to drive his friend back home. He didn't really have an excuse for following Miles into the store like a lost puppy, though. It just meant he could avoid the possible inevitable for even longer.

When they left the store everything seemed normal, and Sam watched his feet as he walked back over to Bumblebee, getting his keys out and pretending to unlock Bumblebee. The Scout didn't need the keys, of course, but it was an essential part of his disguise if he was to appear normal. Five feet away from Bumblebee, and Sam felt a tug on his arm.

"_Dude_!" Miles hissed, and Sam glanced at his friend, before glancing at whatever Miles was looking at.

Sam's mouth dropped open in surprise; the last thing he had expected was seeing Bumblebee's holoform walking straight towards them. What the hell was his Guardian playing at? Bumblebee stopped just in front of them, smiling politely at Miles.

"Hello," Bumblebee said, adding a nod to the polite smile.

Miles just nodded dumbly back, knowing without being told that he had finally met the guy Sam liked. Or at least one version of him, anyway. And then Bumblebee grabbed Sam, opening his own door to his own back seat, and then shoving Sam inside and pinning the teen to it.

It happened so fast that Sam got too dizzy to realize what exactly had happened, and when he finally regained his senses enough to realize that Bumblebee's holoform was practically straddling him with a bright glint of… something he couldn't exactly identify in his eye, he started to freak a bit. He opened his mouth to say something, but was abruptly cut off by Bumblebee covering his mouth with his own. The Scout wasn't wasting any time on words when he could show his Charge exactly how he felt instead.

And when Bumblebee didn't waste time, he really didn't waste _any_ time, giving Miles a wonderful view of his best friend practically being humped by someone he didn't know in the backseat of his Camaro. Miles was just about to protest, because really how the hell was he to be sure this actually was the guy that Sam liked, or that Sam was alright with what was going on. He quickly changed his mind when he heard Sam moan, being able to see just enough to watch as Sam rolled his hips up to meet the stranger's, his arms coming around the stranger's back and holding him there desperately.

Miles backed away slowly, though he did snap a picture quickly to send it to Mikaela. If the girl knew the blonde guy currently playing the pelvic tango with Sam in the backseat of Sam's car, then she'd love having a picture of it.

"I'll just walk home, then." He said dryly, though he doubted that his friend or the other guy even heard him. This was the second time Sam had technically ditched him and left him without a ride for someone that his friend was lusting after, though this time around he was actually fairly happy about it. If that was what would be happening on the ride to his house he didn't want any part of it.


	7. Oops, my bad

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** Doctor's orders, Optimus has to find an organic to overload with. He ends up finding Miles, and can't quite remember how he knows the young organic. Sam is angry when he finds out. (Could be seen as a continuation of Freudian Slip, kind of.)  
**Pairings:** Optimus/Miles, a little Sam/Bee. Mentioned Ironhide/Chromia, Ratchet/Wheeljack.

* * *

**_Oops, my bad_**

Optimus Prime stood in the crowded club, a sea of moving organics surrounding him. It was degrading for a Prime such as himself to be in a place like this, but once Ratchet got an idea in his head it was extremely hard to escape the Medic. Ratchet was an unstoppable force, and half the time Optimus thought that if he had been the Prime then the war would have been won long ago.

Optimus cast a cursory glance around the room. A bar, a few tables scattered here and there, the stand where the person referred to as a DJ played the music, two doors indicating what gender restrooms it was leading to, the door that counted as both the entrance and the exit, and the emergency fire escape door. There was a stage for the performers, something Optimus found perplexing. Ratchet had explained that even though some found lap dancers and strippers to be low in morals, most often it was just a need for money that drove them. The room was mainly just a huge open space for the organics to dance, lights flashing.

A glance to the left revealed Ratchet's holoform, arms crossed over his chest in irritation and a look that would have made Megatron flinch. He must be able to tell that Optimus would rather be anywhere but here.

"You are going to find an organic that you deem aesthetically pleasing, and you _will_ overload tonight. Medic's orders."

And just like that, Ratchet's holoform dissolved, and he knew the Medic was driving away and leaving him alone. After so long too much energy could get worked up in a Cybertronian's Spark, and for a Prime this happened more often than usual. Sparring, or the war, usually took care of the excess, but the times of peace where he was too busy to spar meant it built up. The only other way was by overloading.

But everyone that the Prime knew was already in a relationship with someone else. Ratchet was Sparkmated to Wheeljack, and while the Scientist wasn't there Optimus still respected that. Ironhide had Chromia, and while the femme had yet to arrive just like Wheeljack, Optimus wasn't going to ask him either. Bumblebee was not Sparkmated, but he knew for a fact that his Scout had taken a keen interest in his Charge, and if they weren't already together then Optimus and several others were going to be very surprised. The only other options were the organic soldiers or Mikaela, all who he was in regular contact with, but he felt like asking would cross an unspoken boundary.

Ironhide and Ratchet were more than willing, but the Prime had refused adamantly. Which led to the Medbot snapping and coming to a solution like this. Optimus could adjust well, didn't find it hard to start seeing certain traits in the dominant species of Earth that might be pleasing to the optic, though he hadn't planned on this. Back on Cybertron it would have been different and Optimus would have had no problem finding a mech or femme to perform with, but it was an entire different planet.

Optimus sighed, looking dejectedly around the club before going and standing against the wall. He decided he would just stand and observe the going ons for a while, and that was exactly what he did. While doing so a certain organic kept catching his eye, and Optimus had a hard time keeping tabs on the organic long enough to figure out why.

Dirty blonde hair styled to fall just right, lightly tanned skin, and hazel eyes. Taller than Sam, but shorter than Will, Epps, and Fig. Skinny too, and the organic had something that he had heard Epps referred to as a skater's body. Not straight like Sam's, a perfectly normal teenage look, but a slight curve. Young like Sam too, probably right around his age.

Optimus was startled from his musings when the object of his thoughts suddenly appeared in the space next to him, leaning breathlessly against the wall and waving off a friend. Seeing the young organic up close didn't do anything to help the Prime recall who he was, and that frustrated him. Whoever the teen was he was important enough to be noted, but no name and no connections would come up. Obviously he wasn't as important anymore.

"Have I met you before?" Optimus asked, turning to the organic.

"Use that line often?" The young male asked, shooting Optimus a clearly amused look.

Optimus frowned, before accessing the internet to find out what the organic could mean. A quick look at a pick up line site explained everything.

"My apologies, I did not mean that as a come on to you."Optimus said quickly, before realizing this could be seen as an insult and quickly backtracking. "Not that you're not worth coming on to, not to say I want to, but that you sho-"

A snicker cut him off, "Calm down, dude. Come here often?"

Optimus recognized the question as a teasing pick up line, the young man's eyes full of mirth. It certainly made it less awkward on the Prime, something he appreciated.

"No, this is my first time." By now Optimus thought he should be annoyed. Everything he was saying was coming off as flirting in some way or another, and he was happy that the organic didn't take it that way, and was attempting to hide his laughter.

"Mm," The organic said thoughtfully, "Well I'm pretty much a regular here. Thought if you'd been here before you would have seen me."

"What is your designation, then?"

"You're a formal one, ain't cha? It's Miles. And yours?"

Optimus wasn't quite sure what the organic, now Miles, meant by formal, but he seemed even more amused by his use of designation than his accidental flirting. Learning Miles' name didn't make him remember anything else, though. The Prime was left frustrated at his own processor, still. It shouldn't be this hard to recall how he knew a single organic.

And after a moment he realized that it would be expected of him to give his name. Optimus was used to everyone just knowing his name, even the organics he talked to through the government. They found out through one of his mechs, or through the soldiers that worked on base with him. Possibly even through Secretary Keller.

Then Optimus realized that he didn't have to be the Prime here in this place, with this organic. He'd been Orion Pax before he was a Prime, and Orion had been a lot more open then Optimus had ever allowed himself to be. The Prime put strict limitations on himself regarding what he did, regarding how he acted towards his men. But here he could let the Prime in him slide to the background, and be Orion again.

"I'm Orion." Optimus said with a smile.

"So you _can_ smile," Miles teased, "I was beginning to think that frown was stuck on your face."

He could never separate Orion and Optimus Prime completely, because he was both of them. Orion would appear in late night talks with Ratchet and Ironhide when he let his guard down, when he drank too much high grade, if something especially good had happened and he decided to be even more lenient than he usually was. And he was usually very lenient.

Ratchet had known him before the war, had known him before he had even been given the honor of being called a Prime. He'd said something similar, once. That Optimus Prime was the one he knew how to be a leader, knew how to charge through things with a frown. But Orion Pax was the one who could be the best friend, easing through conflicts with a warm smile. Orion was everything that Optimus wasn't as a leader, and as the war progressed Orion had been needed less and less in the stressful situation and the years in space looking for the Allspark cube.

Ever since the war had ended Ratchet had been telling him that he could relax, even though there was still Decepticons out there. That he could relax and give the title of Prime a break. Only now did he realize that giving the Prime side of him a break was exactly what he needed.

Optimus grinned, "Looks like you were wrong. Care to dance?"

"I dunno," Miles said, looking Optimus up and down. "Think you can handle me? Coulda sworn I saw a stick sticking outta your ass just a minute ago."

"You could check again, if you wanted."

The one time Optimus was actually trying to flirt, and it ended up coming out like _that_. But Miles just stared for one second before he started to laugh, and he grabbed Optimus' hand, leading him out to the dance floor. The Prime had never danced in his holoform before, but Miles hardly seemed to care. In fact he got a big kick out of Optimus sucking at dancing.

* * *

Optimus wasn't quite sure how or when he and Miles had spilled outside the club, the cool night air pleasant even to his holoform.

What they were doing now was exactly why Ratchet had dragged him into the club in the first place, but somewhere between starting to talk to Miles and rocking against the young organic on the dance floor he had forgotten about it completely. Now it was just the heat of the moment spurring him on, because he had nothing to lose by doing it and in the back of his processor he knew it would get Ratchet off his back too. After all, it wasn't like Miles minded what was going on. Quite the opposite in fact, the only thing the young organic had said was that they weren't going to go all the way.

Which was just fine with Optimus, there was plenty he could do to the young male and get done with to him that didn't involve going the whole nine yards.

It was almost too easy to pick Miles up just enough so he could have him sprawled out on the hood of his alt mode, feel the pressure of the organics fingers digging into his back through his shirt as he grinded against the male's erection. And when one of those hands traveled to his head to wind its way through his hair before pulling him down for a desperate kiss it was just as easy to kiss back and find his way into that mouth.

Holoforms felt just as much as humans did. He could get a hard on, and although he'd not be able to reproduce semen he could be brought to an overload in his holoform. Receptors translated things to pleasure, telling him that he wanted to feel more of Miles grinding up against him, letting him know that the young organic tasted like peppermint. The fact that he had Miles up and against his real body just made the whole thing better, being able to feel the young organic in both ways and enjoying every second of it.

"_Orion_!"

It had been a long time since he'd heard his original name be used, and he couldn't remember a time where it had ever been used like that, a one worded plea for more. He loved it, and throughout the night he would try to get Miles to say his name more and more.

* * *

Optimus walked into the rec-room late afternoon on the next day, and all the eyes and optics inside of it turned to him. He ignored them, casually sipping his Energon cube as he went and sat next to Ratchet. Bumblebee, Sam, Will, and Epps were also in the rec-room. Ironhide was off at the shooting range with Fig, most likely blowing something up. Sam was actually sitting in Bumblebee's holoform's lap, and appeared quite comfortable. No one was surprised at this recent development.

"So, did you do it?"

Optimus had expected the question, but he hadn't expected it to come from Epps. He glanced down at the soldier, who only smirked up at him, and then shot Ratchet a look. The Medic just shrugged.

"They wanted to know why you were gone last night; did you expect me to lie to them?" Ratchet asked with a roll of his optics. "Now, answer. Did you do it? Because I swear to Primus I will offline you if you didn't."

"Yes, Ratchet. I did. It was quite enjoyable too."

Epps let out a wolf whistle while Will laughed and clapped. Sam looked torn between amusement and not wanting to be involved in this conversation. That wasn't too surprising; Sam hadn't been around base enough to see more of what the real Optimus was like, outside of being the Prime.

"Alright," Will said, "Who's the poor sap that Ratch let you loose on?"

"It was a young male. I find that it is true when they say they finish quickly but have plenty of stamina." Optimus always had aimed to be honest, even if that made Sam make a face and sent Epps into a peal of laughter. Will barely managed to keep himself from laughing again.

"Do we get to see a picture?" Epps asked, grinning.

Optimus didn't see anything wrong with that. He activated his holograph projector, showing a perfect image of Miles from the night before. As soon as it appeared Bumblebee made a noise, sounding like a cross between a snort of laughter and a snort of disbelief. Sam made a choking sound.

"That's Miles!" Sam sounded angry, "That's my best friend! You had a one night stand with my best friend!"

"Oops, my bad."

At least he finally knew where he recognized Miles from, even if it was a little too late. For a split second he thought about telling Sam that he planned on meeting his friend again later, but decided that would make the teen even angrier. He wasn't even sure why he was angry in the first place, so he didn't want to make him angrier on top of that. He was slightly worried that Epps was going to end up running out of breath and fainting from laughing so hard, though.


	8. No Means No

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Sam never told Miles about the Autobots, but thankfully Bumblebee has a hot holoform who Miles can meet. After so long of seeing holo!Bee jump Sam, when Miles finally finds out that Bee is a robot and meets another giant alien robot in the process, he blurts out something rather embarrassing. The ensuing argument between Sam and Miles.

* * *

**_No Means No_**

"Dude."

"What?"

"I can't believe you!"

"Believe _me_? You're the one who kept giant alien robots a secret!"

"Yeah, but I didn't blurt out 'I'm not having sex with you!' to the first one _I_ saw!"

"Yeah, and that's why you're currently getting fucked by your car."

"So you're saying it's my fault?"

"With the number of times I've seen that blonde holo thingy jump you, and then I learn it's actually a robot doing the jumping, it could've been a friendly hello for all I knew!"

"Yeah, but you said it to a _Decepticon_."

"How the hell was I supposed to know which ones were good and which ones were bad? You weren't explaining anything!"

"No, I was laughing too hard."

"Fuck you."

Barricade was staring at Bumblebee, and Bumblebee could do nothing but sigh. To their left Miles and Sam stood squabbling with each other, both apparently forgetting that they should be running for their lives because the two Cybertronians were fighting. Or were supposed to be. Barricade was just staring at Bumblebee incredulously as they both listened to the teens.

"Is this what you normally deal with?"

"Well, Miles just found out about us, you see."

"Ah, so it's not usually this bad?"

"No, usually it's worse. For some reason realizing we're not going to kill them makes them run their mouths a fragging lot."

"I never thought I was going to pity an Autobot before, but just listening to them and I feel like my processor is going to freeze up. Go. We'll continue this when you don't have the pitspawns with you."

Bumblebee flashed the Decepticon a grateful look before grabbing the two teens and transforming, racing off before Barricade either changed his mind or decided he'd take the mess and just kill the two organics.


	9. Stuck on You part 3

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Continuation of Stuck on You. Miles figures out that Sam's been lying to him, and takes his revenge through a virus on Sam's laptop. Barricade, after being paired with Frenzy for so long, is the only Cybertronian with actual experience dealing with human electronics and hacking, and he 'saves the day'. In the process Epps and Fig find out that Barricade had been licked by Miles. (basically a filler to explain what leads up to the next part)

* * *

**_Stuck on You(r Mind)_**

"_This is the song that never ends!_"

The first line of the next five hours of torture rang out through the base's speakers, surprising everyone and mech. Generally the speakers were used for the benefit of the organics on base, who had no internal comm system, and would be called here and there with that. Now it was being used at a volume that would most likely end up shorting out the system.

"_Yes, it goes on and on my friends!_"

Sam looked between his laptop and the computer he had plugged it into with horror. The lyrics to the song flashed on the screen in bright white font, surrounded by a black background. A day before he was supposed to spend the weekend at the base Optimus had sent him a text, asking him to download some things. Naturally he had done so, and the easiest way to get it to the Prime was by uploading it to the base's computer system, nicknamed Teletran II for the Autobots. Why the Prime had asked him instead of someone on base he didn't know.

"_Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,_"

As soon as he had plugged into Teletran II his laptop had seemed to just crash, and the large screen for Teletran II had turned blue. And then this song had started pouring out of the speakers on the base, the lyrics flashing on the screen, and Sam had paled quite dramatically. The mechs in the room with him had frozen in their places. The only other organic in the room with him, Chief Master Sergeant Robert Epps, started laughing and singing along.

"_And they'll continue singing it forever just because…_"

Out on the firing range, listening in horror, Ironhide let off a plasma blast without paying attention. Captain William Lennox and Chief Technical Officer Jorge Figueroa had to duck out of the way to avoid it. Barricade, who had just been accepted on to base and who was being shown around by Optimus Prime personally, merely raised an optic ridge at the Prime. Optimus had nothing to respond with. Ratchet and Bumblebee, who were with Sam, immediately pushed the organic out of the way and tried to access Teletran II so they could stop it.

"_This is the song that never ends!_"

The song would continue to play nonstop. The voice in itself sounding similar to the Chipmunks just to make it even more annoying. No matter what the Autobots or organics on base tried they would neither be able to turn it down or get it to stop for the next five hours. Five hours of the song repeating endlessly, and convincing Ironhide that it really did never end. The Weapons Specialist would have to be restrained before he shot out Teletran II.

* * *

Finally, after five hours of the Autobots and organics bumbling around base like mentally challenged turbomice, Barricade had had enough.

Teletran II was one of the biggest farces of the Cybertronians trying to attempt some sort of semblancey for themselves. It was nothing like Teletran I that they had on the ARK and other assorted Autobot ships. Teletran II was human technology, and therefore none of the Autobots really had any idea how to protect it from getting viruses. Just like the one the organic designated Samuel's laptop had given it.

He walked into the room where the main screen for Teletran I was kept. This was the one big enough for the Cybertronians to use, though the organics could use it too. Bumblebee was sitting in the room with Samuel on one of his legs, the young organic having his head in his hands. The Cybertronians were lucky enough that they could turn off their audials, or at least turn them down; as Optimus Prime had ordered them that if the organics had to suffer they had to suffer, too. The young organic had no such reprieve.

"Let me try," Barricade said.

Ratchet glanced at him, and then at his Prime, unsure. He might have been accepted on base, but Barricade had been a Decepticon, still could be for all they knew. If he turned out to be lying to them and just using them, then they'd all have something to lose. The Prime was staring at the screen of Teletran II as the lyrics flashed on it, the song still playing. Two organic soldiers, most commonly referred to as Epps and Fig, had also come into the room. The leader of the organic soldiers, Will, had been ordered to keep an eye on Ironhide and report to Ratchet if the Weapons Specialist was waking up.

"It is a human virus if it was on the squishy's laptop. Most likely he downloaded it or it was hacked and placed into his systems."

Optimus glanced at Barricade, "And you can stop it?"

"I was paired with Frenzy, one of Soundwave's cassetticons. Soundwave, as you know, was the Decepticon Communications Officer. It stands to reason that Frenzy was just as talented in the hacking department then, does it not? Though he always did have trouble with viruses. Either way, spend so long with somemech and you pick up some things. The little glitch was fascinated with Earth electronics."

"If you can stop it, then please try."

Barricade brushed past the Prime immediately, assimilating his holoform so it could work on the organic killer of Megatron's laptop while his bipedal mode worked on Teletran II. For ten minutes he worked on both, before eventually focusing on the laptop when he realized that was where the problem was staying. He'd have to figure out how to shut it down there before it could be shut down on Teletran II.

Sam moved closer, standing just behind him to watch. The organic looked guilty, and Barricade figured that he should considering it was all his fault.

"You've been lying to someone."

Sam jumped in surprise, "What?"

"It's password protected. I cracked the encryption key, it wasn't meant to be hard, except the Autobots known nothing about human technology, apparently." Barricade said dryly, "Five letter word, someone you've been lying to."

Sam blanched immediately, putting his face in his hands, while Bumblebee actually started to laugh. All optics shot to the Scout, and then to his Charge.

"I'm so, so sorry." Sam apologized, peaking out of his hands.

"I told you he would figure it out," Bumblebee sounded cheerful, "M-I-L-E-S. He's Samuel's organic best friend."

"How the hell can a kid your age do this?" Epps asked, looking at Sam.

Sam just shrugged helplessly. Barricade typed in the five letters, and as soon as he pressed enter Teletran II's screen went dark, before returning to its normal default screen. The screen on Sam's laptop went dark and a prerecorded audio file began to play.

"_Sorry to anyone who had to put up with that! Figured this would be the easiest and least messy way to get revenge on Sam for lying and let you guys know I know at the same time. It's not Sam's fault I know, he just sucks at lying and I'm a really good snoop. Anyway, I don't plan on telling anyone, that'd totally go against the bro-code. Oh, and to however I licked, blame Sam. He told me to do it and I wasn't quite sure what was going on just yet, so I went along with it. Why did I chose this? Mainly because Sam hates this song and I figured giant alien robots would be able to turn it off quickly._"

Here Barricade snorted, because until he had stepped in neither the Autobots nor their little organics had been anywhere close to figuring out how to shot off the song. Whoever this Miles kid was happened to be particularly smart for an organic, at least computer wise, and everyone and mech in the room could understand why he would assume that the Autobots would be able to turn it off quickly. He had just been wrong.

"_Also, Sam, is there such a thing as space herpes? If so I'd be careful. I'd also suggest locking your bedroom door the next time you get it on with that hologram of your car, never needed to see that much of you._"

The sound that came out of the Autobot Scout was wonderful. Apparently neither the organic nor the Scout had bothered telling any of the others about their relationship yet. The organic himself had his mouth hanging open, face slowly turning bright red. Barricade could remember clearly the organic who had licked him, it was hard to push an incident like that out of one's processor.

"Despite him licking me, I think I finally found an organic I like." Barricade commented idly, turning red optics on Sam. "And now I know who is to blame for that little incident."

Sam blinked, and then quickly stuttered out an excuse to leave the room. Both Ratchet and Optimus Prime had turned to Bumblebee, and the Autobot Scout appeared to be talking to them through their private comm channel. The Medic looked angry, and the Prime looked sad that the Scout hadn't told him.

Barricade looked between them, realizing that if he really was turning Autobot then this was who he'd be stuck with. He smirked, he could have so much fun with all of them. The used to be Decepticon never once noticed the look that the organic soldiers, Epps and Fig, shared when he mentioned being licked.


	10. Stuck on You part 4

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** Barricade licks back.

* * *

_**Stuck on You cont.**_

Barricade was seriously beginning to regret ever allowing himself to sink low enough to join the Autobot cause. And those fragging Autobots weren't doing _anything_ about it. They were laughing at him whenever it happened, and a few were even encouraging the annoying organics.

All of the organics on base, which was a small number of four most of the time, had licked him. Epps and Fig did it the most, then Sam, and then finally Will. It seemed to be a game to the organics, one that was seriously pissing the ex-Decepticon off. Any time he'd pass a set of them when there was at least two he was sure to be licked. Usually there was at least three or four of them, which meant he could be licked more than once while the others laughed.

The ex-con was seriously beginning to hate anything to do with the word tongue, tongues, licking, lick, or even taste. When he stormed into Optimus Prime's designated office, the Prime didn't even look up. As if he was expecting Barricade to snap and come see him. The glitch.

"Are you really just going to let them do this to me?" Barricade growled.

Optimus glanced up at him, "They're just having a bit of fun, Barricade. It's either this or they stay terrified of you. They have to make you seem normal, like us."

"So that's a no?" Barricade glared at the Prime, "You're really just going to sit there and let them _lick_ me!"

"It doesn't hurt you, and it doesn't hurt them. You know better than to do anything in retaliation that would harm them in anyway." If Optimus hadn't had his facemask down Barricade would have thought the Prime was smirking, "Which is probably why you haven't done anything yet."

Barricade snarled, two could play at this game.

"Would you allow them to do this to one of your Autobots?"

"Only myself and Ratchet have been spared. Bumblebee was the first to be licked, and Epps got Ironhide a week ago when he was overly intoxicated."

Slag. "And does your Weapons Specialist know that it's your fault he blew a few circuits over that song? What was it called again? Ah, yes, the Song that Never Ends."

"I assure you I do not know what you mean." Optimus' optics glinted in amusement.

"You asked Samuel to download something for you, something that any of the organics on base could have gotten you. His organic friend conveniently borrowed and hacked his laptop just before he was set to come here." Barricade raised an optic ridge, smirking.

"Do you have any proof of these accusations?"

Barricade didn't have to say no, the Prime already knew that.

"No proof, then?" The smirk was evident in the Prime's voice. "Besides, how could I be in touch with Samuel's friend without anyone knowing? If you're going to try to blackmail me at least make sure you can, Barricade. I'm almost disappointed."

* * *

It was only natural that after Miles let the others know that he knew the little government secret the teen would be shipped to base to get to meet everyone. And answer any questions Will might have had for him, since the army Captain was stuck with the paperwork that had to do with another organic knowing about the Cybertronians.

Sam was thrilled, and Bumblebee was, too. The Scout had never actually gotten to talk to Miles face to face even with all the time he spent around the teen. So he grasped the opportunity while he and Sam showed Miles around base, introducing him to the Autobots and organic soldiers as they came along them.

When they came across Barricade Epps and Fig had decided to tag along. Miles walked up to the ex-con and tilted his head back to look up at him, glancing along his frame. He smiled apologetically.

"You're the one I licked, right? Sorry about that."

Epps smirked, "Oh, don't worry, Miles. Barricade loves being licked."

"Excuse me?" Miles asked in confusion, obviously not thinking that anybot would enjoy being licked.

Barricade growled, optics flying to Epps and keeping the organic locked in his gaze. But that gave Fig an opening, the Spanish speaking soldier darting in and licking him while Bumblebee snickered.

Barricade snapped, "The next organic who licks me is going to get squashed! Frag the cleanup and any complaints the Autobots have they can shove up their tailpipes!"

Unfortunately this threat had no effect on the organics whatsoever, Sam, Epps, and Fig bursting out laughing while Miles just watched with wide eyes. The ex-con snarled, transforming into his alt mode and just racing away from the group. Bumblebee was torn between laughing along or pitying his fellow Cybertronian. He was just glad that the organics weren't doing it to him.

* * *

After Fig had licked Barricade and the ex-con had snapped, Miles found him in his recharge hangar. He walked in, barely glancing around, and sidled right up to the Cybertronian. Barricade watched him warily, half convinced that the young organic would lick him again. He was paranoid, but he couldn't be blamed for that.

"They keep licking you?" Miles sounded amused. "Then lick back."

Barricade shuttered his optics, "Lick back?"

"You can make a holoform like Bee's, right? So that includes a tongue. If you grab someone and lick them in front of the others then I guarantee that's going to stop them." Miles smirked, as if it was that simple.

"Who do you suggest I lick, then?"

"Sam. He's the one who told me to lick you, right?"

* * *

Barricade pulled up to a spot on the open tarmac where Bumblebee was currently receiving a car wash. The Autobot Scout was in his alt mode to make it easier on the four organics washing him. Epps was washing his hood, Will was washing his trunk, and Sam and Fig were washing Bumblebee's sides. Miles climbed out of Barricade quickly, going towards the others.

Epps smirked at Barricade, "Well look who came back. Want more that badly?"

Barricade ignored Epps completely. Perhaps if the soldier had been working on the trunk or sides he would have gone for him instead of Sam, but the hood was further away. He got out his holoform and walked over to the young organic who had killed his old leader, the leader of the Decepticons. Now they were on the same side.

And now he was grabbing Sam by his shoulders, pulling him close and licking from the bottom of one cheek to his forehead.

Sam yelped, jerking away and looking absolutely horrified, rubbing at the side of his face. Miles snickered while the three organic soldiers watched with wide eyes, and Bumblebee pulled out his own holoform, pulling Sam close to him and looking at Barricade in amusement.

"Now your Charge won't tell people to lick me anymore, or lick me himself. He started it, so it'll end with him." Barricade said with a shrug.

Bumblebee glanced behind Barricade at Miles, before looking back at the used to be Decepticon's holoform. "Didn't Miles tell you? He's the one that started it all. During the time of the frozen water he dared Sam to lick me so his tongue got stuck on my metal. It was what made Sam dare him to lick you later on."

Miles grin quickly faded as Barricade turned around to face him, and he started to whistle innocently. Barricade knew the young organic was smart already, had to be if he could hack into Sam's laptop like he had before, but he hadn't thought Miles was this smart. Miles got even more payback against Sam by getting his friend licked, and he ensured his own safety from being the one who Barricade licked at the same time. There was really only one way you could lick a person in holoform and have it be a surprise. Afterwards it would never be as surprising. But Barricade did have a trump card.

"You realize we have a tongue in our bipedal modes too, right?" Barricade's holoform dissolved as he transformed into his bipedal mode, baring his teeth as if to emphasize his statement. "We refer to them as a glossa instead of a tongue, though."

Miles eyes widened, and Barricade smirked, quickly sticking out his glossa so the organic had a glimpse of it before putting it away again. The threat of still being licked would teach the little glitch to try and use Barricade as one of his pawns. But when Miles smirked again, Barricade knew that this was one organic he could not afford to underestimate. It would come back to bite him in the aft, he was sure of it.

"The only way you're going to lick me with that tongue is if we're in private quarters, and I get to decide where." Miles said, close to a purr.

Barricade shuttered his optics, taken aback. The little glitch was _flirting_ with him. He had no idea what to use as a retort, and Miles was counting on that. From his right he could hear Sam make a horrified sound, looking even more horrified than he had when Barricade used his holoform to lick him. Not only had Miles bested him in their little revenge match, but he also had possibly scarred his best friend for life.

"No, no, no!" Sam cried, "Bee, you can't let Barricade anywhere near Miles!"

Miles winked at Barricade before turning to his friend, "But Sam, you enjoy it whenever Bee licks you. Maybe I want to enjoy being licked."

Sam made an odd noise, something close to an embarrassed squawk, as Bumblebee's holoform started to laugh behind him, along with Epps and Fig. Barricade wondered when he'd lost control of the situation before realizing that Miles had been the one in control all along, and started thinking of how to get him back.

"Somehow I get the feeling that you're all closet perverts and I need to watch my ass." Will commented dryly, expression exasperated. Epps waggled his eyebrows, smacking the Captain on his ass and receiving a punch on the shoulder for his trouble.

"Well, as fun as this is, I hacked the speakers in Ironhide's room to play the Song that Never Ends. I'm gonna go get killed by him before Barricade can lick me. Toodles!" And with a smirk Miles jogged away.

If nothing else at least his stay with the Autobots will be interesting, Barricade thought. And maybe now he'd stop being licked.


	11. Laughing is Contagious

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** Barricade wants revenge for Frenzy's death. Miles has a nervous laugh, meaning he laughs whenever he's extremely nervous/and or scared. Of course this would be when a Decepticon is attacking. (also uploading as a seperate one shot story)

* * *

_**Laughing is Contagious**_

Sam had never explained about the Cybertronians to his best friend, and although this meant Bumblebee had to continuously play non-sentient car whenever the other male teen was around, he was willing to do it. He understood that his Charge was worried that the Decepticons might target Miles and do him harm. What he didn't know was Sam was more worried about what would happen while they were harming Miles, and that it might actually make his Charge pity the Decepticons a bit.

Barricade had shown up out of the blue, taking them all by surprise. Bumblebee had assumed that the Decepticon had offlined at some point, either through the injuries he inflicted on him, or injuries he would have gotten. Sam and Mikaela just forget about him, not afraid of the Decepticon when they had Bumblebee there to protect them. Miles, on the other hand, was just wondering why the fuck a police car had slammed into the side of Sam's Camaro.

Like usual, the first thing Bumblebee had tried to do was get the organics inside of him to safety. Mikaela and Sam were sitting in his front seat, while Miles was sitting in his back seat. Sam and Mikaela already knew the routine, hang on tight and listen for instructions. Miles got knocked around a bit, but when Bumblebee ordered them out he'd scrambled out even faster than Mikaela, though he didn't manage to beat Sam.

Miles had been too shocked to really feel anything when he watched Bumblebee transform and stand off to face Barricade, something Sam was incredibly grateful for as he dragged his friend and girlfriend into the abandoned warehouse that Bumblebee had taken them too. Big enough to hide in, and unfortunately big enough to get lost in.

* * *

Bumblebee ran into the room that Sam and Mikaela were in, the two teens sagging in relief when the Autobot peered behind the overturned table they were hiding behind. An abandoned warehouse might have seemed like a great place to hide, but when humans left someplace they tended to take a lot of what they had in it with them. This meant a lot of big empty rooms, or rooms with even worse hiding spaces than an overturned table.

"Bee, are you okay?" Sam cried when he saw the state of his Guardian.

It was no wonder that Bumblebee hadn't been in alt mode so he could get to them faster. One of his doorwings had been ripped completely off, and one servo looked like it had been flattened somehow. He also had several open leaks of Energon, either scratches from Barricade's claws, or actual torn wires from where the Decepticon had managed to get under his plating.

Bumblebee nodded, optics dulling to the dark blue that indicated he was scanning the humans. "Barricade has taken up non-traditional Cybertronian fighting and took me by surprise."

"Non-traditional Cybertronian fighting?" Mikaela asked curiously, walking out from behind the table.

"Remember the old fashioned karate moviethon Sam wished to take you to? It appears Barricade enjoys those movies just as much." Bumblebee said dryly, glancing around before realizing there was an organic missing. "Where is Miles?"

"We got separated awhile back," Sam said with a frown, "One minute he was behind us and the next he wasn't."

"Well if you had let me hold his hand," Mikaela quipped, glaring at her boyfriend. "Really, we were on the run, and you got jealous of me holding his hand! Over holding _Miles_' hand!"

Sam flushed, "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Don't you think I regret that now? My best friend is lost in here with a Decepticon on the lose!"

"Well thanks for stating the obvious!" Mikaela hissed, Sam visibly deflating just a bit. She understood her boyfriend was a bit insecure, but there was a time and place for it, and they would be having a very long talk about it. "Okay, so we know that Barricade's pulling out moves Bee doesn't know how to counter. What do we do?"

"We find Miles first. I can easily distract Barricade while you two-" Bumblebee cut himself off as he listened. "What is that noise? Is it… laughing?"

Mikaela looked just as oblivious as Bumblebee felt, but Sam made a face.

"Hey, you remember mentioning how Prowl had that glitch thing when something is too illogical? Does Barricade have one too?"

Bumblebee glanced at his Charge, "As far as I am aware of Barricade has no such glitch."

"Well, then we better go find where that sound is coming from." Sam said with a sigh, and his next sentence sounded so pessimistic that everything he'd said about Mission City and failing sounded optimistic. "We'll most likely find Barricade there from the sounds of it and if he doesn't glitch be ready, if he hasn't already killed Miles."

* * *

Barricade was pissed. Frenzy, while annoying and glitched in the processor, had been the only one he had ever really had, and he'd been killed by the pathetic organics. The Autobots had let little hacker be killed by _organics_. Megatron had been killed by LadiesMan217, but his lord had never been a friend to him.

Frenzy had been his one and only friend, and now he was gone. Only few Cybertronians knew that like Bumblebee, he had also been just a Youngling when the war began. Unlike Bumblebee he had been forced to fight as a Youngling, never receiving any praise or rewards for what he did. Just his share of Energon rations and repairs in the Medbay. But it was the only life Barricade knew, one where there was no love. Frenzy, as one of Soundwave's cassetticons, had received plenty of love and preferential treatment from not only the TIC but several others. Despite how messed up the little mech was in the processor he had made sure to force what he could on Barricade. And now his only friend was dead.

Before he could even think about it he had just charged at the Autobot Scout, crashing into his side head on and shaking up the three organics inside of him. He knew that Bumblebee had nothing personally to do with Frenzy's death, but he had just gotten so angry so quickly. Someone, somebot, had to pay for Frenzy's death.

He wasn't exactly proud of the moves he had used on Bumblebee by any means. Barricade only had two reasons for using the moves he had seen organics display in movies. One was because Frenzy had adored those movies and it was to honor his now dead partner, and the other was because with his Guardian protocols on Bumblebee had an extra boost. It was no secret that a mech or femme with their Guardian protocols on and active was stronger than they would be with them off, and if Bumblebee had his off he and Barricade were evenly matched. With them on the Scout had the upper hand.

Given his unorthodoxed fighting Barricade wasn't too surprised when Bumblebee saw an opportunity to escape and took it, fleeing to go find the organics he had originally had with him. Watching the Scout run had just made Barricade angrier, and he had followed after the Autobot, intent on finding either the mech or one of the organics he was in charge of and offlining them permanently.

He hadn't come out unscathed in their little battle, and after some damage to one of his legs he was walking slowly and unable to transform. With a missing doorwing the Scout would be unable to transform as well, leveling their playing field once again. The abandoned warehouse was a large one with only one exit, and Barricade was sure he'd find an organic, organics, or the Scout before they got out, so his slow pace didn't bother him.

He'd barely walked inside before he'd run across one of the organics. This one was neither LadiesMan217, birth designation of Samuel, nor his little femme, birth designation of Mikaela. He did recognize the organic from Frenzy's extensive research on LadiesMan217. This one was a personal friend of the organic who had killed Megatron, birth designation of Miles.

Barricade let out a predatory growl, the organic turning wide eyes on him and slapping two hands over his mouth. He assumed it was to keep himself from making any noise so as not to appear weak, but Barricade hardly cared. The anger inside of him was demanding to be let free, and if it could only be taken out on a tiny insignificant organic then so be it. He allowed his arm to transform into a plasma cannon, raising it to aim at the organic.

"Pfft!" Barricade stilled at the sound that Miles made, cannon still warming up. "Pfffffft! _Hahahaha!_"

Barricade shuttered his optics in disbelief at the organic in front of him. The organic was _laughing_. Laughing in the face of what could only surely be his death. How did the little fleshy have the gall? But Barricade took a closer look at the organic, becoming even more confused. The organic looked pale, hands clenched over his mouth as hard as he could get them, but it couldn't stop the sound coming out. He even appeared to be shaking.

"Why are you laughing?" Barricade demanded, "What is so funny?"

"I-_ahahahaha!_" The organic seemed to give up on that direction of talking when he had a cannon shoved in his face, only making him laugh harder. Barricade watched the organic take a deep breath, "N-nervous laugh! I have a nervous laugh!"

A nervous laugh? Barricade had never heard of such a stupid thing in all of his life, and compared to the little mud ball planet he was on that was a very long life. The organic had to be lying, trying to trick him somehow. He shoved his cannon up against the organic's chest, Miles stumbling back and falling on his ass with a shriek.

The shriek started out normal, full of fear like Barricade was expecting, but towards the end the shriek tapered off into loud laughter, echoing throughout the entire warehouse as the organic before him turned red in the face. Barricade snorted, his anger starting to dissolve. He personally thought the organic was hilarious, laughing even when every other sign of his body read absolutely petrified.

* * *

Bumblebee had them wait a little bit before they went to rescue Miles. He would be no good to the organic if he was leaking Energon everywhere, something that would only make it easier for Barricade to use against them. So they waited about ten minutes while Bumblebee repaired himself, the Scout praying to Primus that Barricade didn't just kill Miles. He doubted he would, hoping that the Decepticon would just use killing him as a threat to get to Bumblebee.

When Bumblebee made it to the door of the room Barricade and Miles were in, battle mask down and the only working cannon he had at the ready, he froze at the sight before him, trying to process what exactly he was seeing. Sam and Mikaela had followed at his peds, his Charge grumbling to himself all the while. Oddly enough Mikaela was the one worried about Miles, and she and the other boy had never gotten along that well. Mikaela froze beside his right ped, and Sam just walked a little further in, arms crossed over his chest.

It hadn't taken long for Barricade to realize that Miles hadn't been lying when he said he had a nervous laugh. He had still been ready to kill the organic, perhaps draw it out a little just to see how he laughed when he died, when Miles had started to snort, or at least that was the term Barricade thought the humans used for it. It sounded extremely similar to the geese he had heard the one time he had taken Frenzy to the lake before they were ordered to find LadiesMan217, and the little mech had gotten attacked by them.

There was a saying somewhere that laughter like that was addictive, and Barricade was finding out just how true that saying was.

The Decepticon had sat himself down on the cold cement floor and picked Miles up by his foot, letting the teen dangle there for a while, laughing hysterically as he swung back and forth. At one point the organic had gotten so red in the face that Barricade was certain something bad was going to happen, but a quick internet search explained that it was gravity making the blood rush to his head. After a few minutes the organic was desperately trying to breathe, unable to get the air his lungs would have liked with all the laughing he was doing. It didn't help when he started hiccupping because of it.

So Barricade had gently laid the organic down on his leg, using two claws to pin him by his shirt in order to keep him down. Surprisingly enough this only made Miles laugh harder, because it was somehow worse when he no longer thought he was going to be killed and that the giant robot thing was actually being nice, or just trying to do some other cruel thing to him that he hadn't quite worked out yet. The geese noise had even started up again.

And that was when Bumblebee had walked in with his two little organics in tow. Sam had explained about Miles' nervous laugh. His friend had been the victim of it since they were young, and Sam himself had suffered because of it. Back when Ron Witwicky had still owned an old piece of crap car Sam had accidentally slammed the door shut on his hand, and these were the doors that automatically locked. Miles had immediately started to laugh when Sam started to cry, and when he first went in and told Ron the elder Witwicky hadn't believed him. Miles went back to his friend, laughing harder because he couldn't help Sam. It took Miles running back in three times, and by the third time he was crying too, before Ron decided to go check. Over the years both boys would come to hate Miles' nervous reaction, Sam even more than Miles.

Bumblebee was extremely glad his Charge had explained, because if he hadn't he was pretty sure he would have suddenly developed Prowl's glitch at the sight before him. It was no wonder Bumblebee had stopped to stare in amazement. There was Barricade, the Decepticon holding Miles to his leg by his shirt. The teen was laughing hysterically, appeared to even be crying, and it was such a laugh that it even had Barricade's frame shaking in silent laughter.

It took Bumblebee a minute to recover, but when he did he immediately moved past Sam so both his Charge and Mikaela were hidden behind his peds before he confronted Barricade.

"Let Miles go, Barricade." Bumblebee ordered, raising his plasma cannon in a threatening manner.

Barricade growled, "You have two organics already, this one is mine!"

Even Miles was shocked into just hiccupping by this statement, Bumblebee staring at the Decepticon in front of him in complete disbelief. Barricade glared right back, as if daring Bumblebee to argue with him. But of course Bumblebee was.

"You can't just claim an organic, Barricade." Bumblebee ground out, moving closer. "Even if Miles did decide he'd allow you around him, there's no way we'd trust you with him."

"Back off, Autobot. I won't hesitate to kill your precious organic." Barricade warned, picking Miles up by the two claws that had been pinning him down, placing him in his servo and then holding that servo against his chassis. Another hysterical bubble of laughter left the organic in his grasp, distracting him from the Autobot for a moment.

Sam moved out from behind his Guardian's ped, "Then I think we know what needs to happen here. Barricade needs to join the Autobots."

"What?" Barricade snarled.  
"What?" Mikaela asked in confusion.  
"_What?_" Bumblebee gaped at his Charge.  
Miles was silent; he was finally managing to catch his breath again.

"It's the safest option," Sam pointed out. "For Miles, and both you and Barricade. We have nothing to lose here except Miles, Bee, and I am not willing to lose him. On the other hand Barricade has a lot to gain by joining the Autobots, and even we could gain some stuff. Imagine the moral when we start reuniting the factions because I'd like to point out the war is over."

There was silence for a moment as everyone but Miles looked at Sam as if he had grown a second head.

"Your organic makes sense, Insect. Why didn't you think of that?"

"Oh, shut up! You just want yours for his laugh!" Bumblebee snapped back, glaring at the Decepticon.

* * *

"Hey, Sam?"

"Yeah, 'Kaela?"

"Do you think this means that all Decepticons really like laughter?"

"I dunno."

"If so, could you have imagined Mission City if we had Miles with us?"

"God, Megatron would be giving up just so he could keep Miles as a pet."

Mikaela snickered, and the two sat in companionable silence for a minute, Sam's fingers enter intertwining with hers. Miles' laughter drifted to where they sat.

"What do you wanna bet he just met Ironhide and his cannons?"

"Either that or Barricade met Ironhide and his cannons and Miles is still being held captive by him." Sam sighed, "He is literally the only person who could turn a Decepticon good through laughter."

"You gotta admit, his laugh is kind of contagious."


	12. From Beyond

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No gurantess I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** Trent offers Miles a ride home after Sam kicks him out to give Mikaela a ride instead. Miles forgets to say thank you, and is killed by Barricade later on. He's determined to give Trent a thank you, though. (uploading as a seperate story like the last ch. too. Especially long ones I might do this with)

* * *

_**From Beyond**_

Trent lay out on the still cooling tarmac, beer in hand as he stared up at the stars. He wasn't alone, never was anymore. Mikaela and Sam lay on either side of him, Sam drinking along with him though Mikaela had stopped a while ago. Bumblebee was there too, idling in his alt mode and providing the three organics with some kind of light.

It had been years since high school, and all three of them were adults now, in their late twenties. Mikaela and Sam had married soon after high school, while Trent had worked his way up through the military. Eventually he was commissioned to NEST, and imagine his surprise when he not only met giant alien robots but two kids from his old school as well.

It wasn't hard to apologize to the both of them for his past actions. There was a huge difference between who Trent was now, and who Trent had been in high school. Personality wise anyway. He was still as big as ever, even bigger with years of military exercise under his belt. He still called Mikaela Bunny and Sam Witwacky, though. Even aimed the occasional rubber band in Sam's eye for old times' sake.

He'd replaced Captain William Lennox, now Captain Trent DeMarco. Sam was the official Autobot liaison, and Mikaela was the base's mechanic, working on everything that didn't fall into Ratchet's jurisdiction, and even on some of the things that did. It hadn't taken long for Trent to become friends with the two.

"Trent?" Mikaela called, sitting up enough to look down at her old boyfriend.

"Yeah, Bunny?"

"What made you join the army?" She asked, Sam sitting up as he became interested. "When we dated you always said you were going for football after high school."

"What made me join the army?" Trent repeated, before sighing. "More like who."

* * *

_Trent was pissed. Mikaela had just up and left him, just because he wouldn't let her drive his precious truck. He wasn't even sure which way she'd gone, but he thought he'd seen her get in the car with Witwicky of all people. Not even five minutes later he'd gotten in his precious truck, determined to make sure she made it home alright, if nothing else._

_Ten minutes later he saw a slumped figure walking down the dirt road, hands shoved in their pockets. He recognized him as Miles, that head of hair unmistakable. He'd been with Witwicky when he saw him at the lake earlier, and Trent wondered why he wasn't now. Then he realized that Witwicky probably ditched him to run after his Bunny instead. Some friend._

_Trent pulled over, and rolled his window down. "Want a ride?"_

_Miles looked startled, just staring at Trent for a moment. Trent was kind of surprised himself, he couldn't remember ever actually talking to Miles, just the blonde boy always being in the background, especially if Witwicky was nearby. Miles was a nobody, even lower down on the popularity chain then Witwicky, and Trent was definitely a somebody. The rules of high school dictate that they never interact._

_Then again, Trent had never been very good at following the rules._

"_Sure!" Miles smiled at him, and Trent was nearly taken aback. There was no reason for the other boy to look so happy just because he was offered a ride, but it looked as if he had just found the cure to cancer or something._

_Four words. That was all that had been said between them on that day. Miles had clambered in Trent's truck, and then pointed down whatever street that Trent needed to go to take him home. Trent had followed the silent instructions, turning on the radio after a bit and listening as Miles hummed along. He took Miles home, and the skinny blonde boy climbed out of the truck._

_Miles tossed a smile over his shoulder at him as he ran to the porch where one of the biggest dogs Trent had ever seen lay wagging its tail. And Trent had just driven off._

* * *

_Two months later was Trent's next encounter with the skinny blonde._

_With the end of the school year coming up, one of the clubs he was in had decided to take a club trip out for the weekend. The club itself was photography club; something that Trent's friend had dragged him into. Trent went along with it because it wasn't that hard to point, click, develop, and then label whatever it was as art. The hotel they ended up staying at was claimed to be haunted._

_They all had to share rooms, four boys in each room. Trent was stuck with three people he didn't know for the first night, and on the second night one of the boys staying in the room with him had left to go home with food poisoning, meaning the friend who had dragged Trent into the club could sleep in the same room as them. To accommodate the club members four mattresses had just been put on the floor side by side. _

_By the time they went to sleep for the night on Saturday Trent had been so exhausted that he had basically just collapsed on his sleeping bag and fallen right asleep. Friday night he had snuck out to another room to play cards with the same friend who had dragged him into the club in the first place and stayed up the whole night._

_He wasn't sure what woke him up in the first place, but he found himself unable to go back to sleep and was growing annoyed. A check of his watch told him it was only two in the morning and he still had some time to sleep left. _

_With a sigh, Trent looked over to his right to see if his friend was awake, and froze. There was a figure sitting on the edge of the mattress that his friend was sleeping on, so covered in shadows that he couldn't make out who it was. His friend was facing Trent, dead to the world and the fact that there was someone sitting beside him if his snoring was any sign._

_The figure, a woman by the outline, started to rock slowly back and forth, head coming so close to his friend's side that it made Trent twitch, and then tilting so far back Trent was sure she'd fall. Her pace quickened, back and forth, back and forth, so fast that he couldn't tear his eyes away. It took him two minutes to realize that her hair didn't move at all, no matter how fast she went or how she bent. _

_Trent gulped, there was something seriously wrong going on. He fisted a hand in the sheet under him, watching in horror as his friend rolled onto his back, and the woman took the opportunity to slide on top of him and straddle his waist as she leaned over him. Despite her being closer he still couldn't pick out any details. Her hand went to her face and there was a crunching noise, and then little pieces of things began to fall on his friend's face and all over his friend's pillow._

_What was that stuff? Nails? Trent felt disgusted and horrified. He was about to open his mouth when he felt a light touch on his hand, head whipping so fast to the left to see what was touching him that he almost got whiplash._

"_Don't," Miles whispered, holding on to Trent's wrist gently. His hand was so cold it made Trent shiver, "Don't let her know you see her."_

"_But-!"_

_Trent was shocked into silence by Miles kissing him. Dimly he was aware that the figure on top of his friend had frozen at Trent's exclamation, but after no further noises resumed what it was doing. But he was much more focused on the fact that Miles was kissing him, a light nip at his bottom lip and his mouth was opening, a foreign tongue sliding in. And to make it worse he was responding, because damn was the scrawny blonde a surprisingly good kisser._

_Time seemed to blurr together, and before Trent knew it he was falling asleep. Eyes half lidded as he watched Miles, the scrawny blonde smiling down at him gently, before he leant down and whispered something in Trent's ear. Trent fell asleep before he could realize just what it was Miles said._

* * *

_The next morning Trent was woken up by voices. He sat up and looked around, noting that there was now a teacher in the room, kneeling down at the mattress that his friend had been sleeping on. His friend was standing there, desperately clawing at his head and trying to get all of the nails out of his hair. Trent frowned as the events of that early morning came back to him._

_Seeing the girl next to his friend, then over his friend and chewing off her nails onto his face and his pillow. Miles beside him, grabbing his wrist to keep him from saying something. Then Miles kissing away his fears, Trent responding with surprising zeal for being straight all his life. Without thinking Trent absentmindedly rubbed at the wrist that Miles had held, before realizing the watch that had been there was no longer on him._

"_Who would do this?" His friend would cried, scratching at his head even more furiously. _

_The teacher sighed, "Daniel, I know it's disgusting, but try to calm down. It was just a prank, and we'll most likely not know who did it."_

"_A girl did it," Trent said once the teacher had left, looking at his friend with some pity. "I couldn't see what she looked like, but maybe Miles got a better look at her."_

"_Miles? As in Miles Lancaster?" Daniel asked mystified. "Dude, you must have been dreaming."_

"_I think I'd know when I was dreaming, Danny." Trent replied, rolling his eyes. _

"_Miles is dead." Daniel said, staring at him._

_Trent laughed, "That's a horrible joke."_

"_Trent, he was the one killed in that head on police car collision. Remember the one that was caught on tape, it was so big because the police car just did a hit and run and then they could never track it down?"_

"_But that's…" _

_The word impossible died on his lips, Daniel not even paying attention to him anymore. Wasn't it also impossible how that girl acted last night, how Daniel had never woken up even when she had climbed on top of him? Trent had thought that it might have been a ghost, that the claim the hotel was haunted wasn't that farfetched. Up until Miles had distracted him, that is._

_He recalled Miles' words from the night before, whispered in his ear just as he fell asleep. Thanking him for the ride that he had given the scrawny blonde what seemed forever ago._

* * *

_It was surprisingly cold the day that Trent went to the cemetery that Miles was buried in, so cold that he was wearing a jacket. It didn't take Trent long to find Miles' gravestone, his being the freshest grave in the cemetery, and the nicest too. There were still some pretty decent looking flowers on his grave, probably from his parents or maybe even Witwicky. _

_For five minutes Trent just stared at the headstone. It was so utterly plain and boring that it almost made Trent laugh. That was exactly what he'd thought about Miles before everything that had happened, and now he wasn't so sure._

_Milton Lancaster  
December 3__rd__, 1990 to May 25__th__, 2007  
Beloved friend and son._

_Thirteen words in total. Only four of those words actually used to tell anything important about Miles, or Milton as his gravestone read. Beloved friend and son, and Trent didn't know if either of those was true. Witwicky'd seemed to like him well enough, but he didn't remember Witwicky looking sad after the time when Miles died._

_Here he was standing on Miles' grave, unsure if he owed the scrawny blonde his life or not. All he could keep thinking about was the kiss, how good it was and how much he wanted to try it again. Except Miles was dead and rotting six feet under where he stood, and that kind of put a huge stop in the possibility of it ever happening again. It shouldn't have even happened in the first place. Maybe Trent really had been dreaming. A dream with a scrawny blonde who could kiss really fucking well._

_Jesus tap dancing Christ, he was standing on a grave about ready to pop a boner for the boy buried beneath him. His hormones were going to make him go to hell, and he really didn't want that. Something told him Miles made it to heaven._

"_Milton's a stupid name," Trent muttered, shoving his hands in his jacket pocket as he stared down at the headstone, an uneasy mix of feelings in his stomach._

"_And Trent's better?" The voice came from behind him, full of laughter as it teased him. "Better join the military. It's so close to trench that you should go and join the army and just start digging."_

_Trent already knew that when he turned around nothing would be there, but he still did it anyway. He half wondered if he was going insane, and then decided he had to be. He'd been straight before Miles had died, and it was only after that he was finding out he seriously needed to question that. It wasn't fair. _

_He was seeing ghosts and turning gay for them, too. Definitely loony._

_Trent cussed lightly under his breath, turning back to the headstone. The thought that maybe if he asked nicely Miles would just pop up again and they could have a little fun entered his mind, and he decided he'd been there long enough. He turned to leave when something glinted in the sunlight, catching his eye. When he bent down to look he realized that it was a watch._

* * *

"More of a who?" Mikaela laughed, "Okay then, who?"

"Do you remember Miles?" Trent asked, and wasn't surprised when Mikaela shook her head. But Sam stared at him.

"You mean Miles Lancaster, right? He was my best friend." Sam frowned at the memory, "I didn't realize you guys talked."

"We didn't, or at least not much. I made fun of his name and he said mine sounded so close to trench that I should join the army to dig some or something." Trent shrugged, crushing the beer can in his hand.

Trent didn't believe in coincidences or fate. He did believe in scrawny little blondes, though. Especially ones that sent him down the path that would eventually bring him to the Autobots and Mikaela, and more importantly Sam. His first weekend off he'd visited Miles' grave again, the first time in years, and cussed him out for that little move. He'd never gotten a response, but he liked to think that Miles had heard him.

"I should have just told him about the 'bots." Sam sighed, "Maybe he'd still be alive."

"What do you mean?" Trent asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The police car that hit him was a Decepticon, one called Barricade. You might only know him as the first Decepticon your team killed."

For a moment, he just stared at Sam. Then he started to laugh.

Sam furrowed his eyebrows, "What's so funny?"

* * *

Two hours later Trent was alone, Mikaela and Sam having retired to bed, Bumblebee insisting he take them there. The two had their own separate little housing unit, while Trent stayed in the human barracks. Bumblebee stayed in the Autobot barracks.

He stayed outside, leaning against a wall of the barracks as he nursed the last beer can that he had, looking up at the can.

"You are an asshole, you know that right?"

God, he was going to sound insane if anyone heard him talking to himself.

"What the hell was that shit with Barricade, huh? Did you arrange it so I could kill him just to avenge you, or is that really just coincidence? I bet you're getting a kick up there, watching me fumble around down here like some kind of dumbass."

A gust of wind, and he almost thought he heard laughter, but chalked it down as wishful thinking. He'd not heard a single thing from Miles since the first time he'd visited his grave. There'd been times when he could have sworn he felt him, though, and times where he felt that if he talked that Miles could hear him.

Trent stared down into his can before tossing it as hard as he could with a growl.

"Every time I turn around I expect you to be there, but you never are! There are times I think I see you out of the corner of my eye, or out on the battlefield I think I feel you pull me back just enough to save me, but why can't I just see you, damn it? Do you have any fucking idea that it's your fault that I'm gay? I'm going insane here with no proof that you're the one causing it, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Can't you just give me _something_, anything to prove to myself that you're here for whatever reason?"

Trent breathed heavily and stood in the same spot for five more minutes. He never got an answer, and he eventually gave up, turning to go inside the barracks and try to call it a night.

* * *

Trent yawned, walking into the cafeteria around ten a.m. He was up later than usual, his squad already going about their morning exercises. Trent was hungover from the night before and would just say he was doing paperwork if asked why he never joined him, or at least that was the plan he made as he grabbed a glass of orange juice and a muffin before going and finding a table.

He saw Sam and Bumblebee, Sam still looking half asleep, and decided to sit with them. Surprisingly enough they were the only other ones in the cafeteria, Sam halfheartedly picking at his cereal as Bumblebee sipped at his Energon cube.

"Good morning, Trent." Bumblebee said politely.

Trent just grunted at the Autobot Scout, nodding his head at Sam and getting a nod back. Sam looked even worse than he felt, and Trent was a little happy that he had a higher tolerance. Then again he had started in high school while Sam had actually probably been a good boy and waited until he was 21.

"Trent?" Bumblebee called, getting Trent's attention. "Who were you with last night?"

"Huh?" Not exactly his most intelligent response, but his brain was not ready to answer any questions just yet.

"After I dropped Mikaela and Sam off I was returning to the barracks when I saw you outside with someone," Bumblebee explained, "I didn't recognize them, and Teletran I could not register their facial pattern."

"I wasn't with anyone last night, Bee. Not after you guys left."

"Perhaps the alcohol is impairing your memory?" Bumblebee sounded impatient, tapping the side of his helm and activating his holographic projector, playing out the image of last night in the middle of the table.

Trent saw himself from his back, watching as he threw the can, and knowing at exactly what point this was because he'd been just drunk enough to have a little break down. But what really drew his attention was the figure standing just behind him. He didn't need to see the face, the hair and the clothes that Trent had seen him wearing when he'd offered him a ride was all he needed.

"_Trent?_"

Bumblebee's voice came out, but Trent never remembered hearing the Scout the night before. He sounded worried, and Trent really couldn't blame him. He'd started to make an awful lot of hand gestures at absolutely nothing.

His heart nearly stopped when the figure behind him turned around and raised a finger to their lips, winking. He hadn't needed to see the face, but it had been so long since he'd looked at a picture of Miles that he'd almost forgotten what he'd looked like. The Bumblebee in the hologram, though he couldn't be seen, seemed to accept this gesture from the scrawny blonde he didn't recognize, and turned away. The holographic projection cut out.

"I just went to the barracks after that, figuring that he was helping you let off some steam or something, but when I talked to Prowl this morning he didn't know who it was either, and like I said Teletran I does not recognize their facial structure." Bumblebee said, before finally looking at the two organics sitting at the table with him. "What's wrong?"

Sam openly gaped at Trent, "That was…"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"I asked him to give me proof that I wasn't going insane," Trent said bitterly, glaring at the table. "If I had known he was actually going to give me what I asked for I would have asked for another damn kiss, or maybe a quickie."

"That's my _dead_ best friend you're talking about!" Sam sounded disgusted.

Trent shrugged, "Hey, he was the one who kissed _me_, and that was already after he was dead. Not my fault he's a good kisser."

"I can't decide what's weirder, that he came back as a ghost and is haunting us, that he actually kissed you, or that you want to fuck him." Sam said with a shudder.

"Now you know why I took giant alien robots so easily. That is _nothing_ when compared to being turned gay by a dead guy."

Sam made a face, before turning to Bumblebee. "Bee, you need to delete that footage. And tell Prowl that it was some family member visiting, or something. If it gets out that Trent is haunted the twins, major and minor, will have a field day."


	13. Friendship Bracelets

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Epps and Will want to know what Sam does when he isn't saving the world. They're a bit shocked at the answer. (Post ROTF! Based on an interview with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf, the question 'what do you do when you aren't saving the universe' being asked and Shia answers making friendship bracelets.)

* * *

**_Friendship__ Bracelets_**

Two soldiers stood side by side, looking at the younger male who was currently asleep and snoring loudly on the couch. Major William Lennox and Master Sergeant Robert Epps had come to know Samuel Witwicky through the few years since they had all first found out about the Autobots. And yet they were still continually amazed by him. Despite his words, telling Sam that he was a soldier now, Will had never expected the teen to pull off everything he did in Mission City. And now the younger male had died, come back, and then brought Optimus Prime back mere seconds after he was revived in a foreign country, effectively saving their planet again along with their sun.

"He's really something," Epps commented from beside his Major.

Will nodded, "Yeah. I was a bit surprised to hear that he turned Optimus down earlier."

"Can you blame him, though?" Epps raised an eyebrow, "Poor kid was thrust into an alien war when he was still in high school. At least we were already soldiers, already battle hardened. It's no wonder that he just wanted to try to be normal, have a normal college time, and not be famous."

"Mm," Will grunted in agreement. "Doesn't it make you wonder what he does when he's not saving the world? Not around us?"

"I assume normal teenage stuff," Epps replied with a shrug.

"No, think about it. He always has Bumblebee with him, right? That's gotta change what he does at least a little, somehow." Will pointed out.

Epps thought about that before nodding, "Point taken. So what the hell does a teenager do when he's continuously around giant alien robots?"

"Let's go ask Bumblebee and Mikaela."

The two soldiers went off to find Bumblebee, Mikaela, or both. Despite the fact that Sam was now technically an adult, as long as he wasn't old enough to legally drink alcohol Epps would refer to him as a teenager, or kid. Sam had kept in contact with the other Autobots besides Bumblebee after Mission City, but Epps and Will personally hadn't gotten to see or talk to him that much.

They found both Bumblebee and Mikaela in the Medbay, along with Ratchet, Optimus, and Ironhide. Ratchet was tinkering with something in Optimus' chest, Bumblebee holding Mikaela up on a servo so she could have a look. Ironhide sat waiting for Ratchet to finish with their Prime, cleaning his cannons while he did so.

"Hey, Bee, Mikky?" Will called, getting the Scout's and girl's attention. They didn't need formality in a situation like this.

"We were wondering what Sam does when he isn't saving the universe," Epps said more than asked, Will nodding.

Mikaela returned her attention to where Ratchet was working on Optimus, "He likes to make friendship bracelets."

Will and Epps blinked, looking at each other, then back up to the girl.

"Yeah, right." Epps snorted, "What does he really like to do?"

Mikaela raised her right wrist, Bumblebee raised the servo not holding Mikaela, Optimus and Ironhide both raised their servos, and Ratchet flashed his own for a brief second before returning to work. The soldiers were gob smacked. Somewhat because Sam actually apparently made friendship bracelets, even for his girlfriend, but also because he somehow made them big enough to fit the various Autobots.

"Where's mine?" Epps whined after a moment, crossing his arms over his chest with a huff.


	14. Keeping Warm part 2

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Oh, hell, what plot? Barricade has an egg! It's crack! Love it anyway. A lot of people wanted to see another of this.

* * *

**_Keeping Warm pt. 2_**

News that Barricade was being brought in, with an egg no less, caused a big stir on base. This was despite the fact that there were only three mechs and three organic males currently on the base. Ratchet was over the moon that there was an egg in existence in the first place, and once it hatched it'd be the first Sparkling officially born since the war ended. Optimus was worried over the fact that Barricade was going to be a Creator soon, that Barricade was a Decepticon and coming to base, and how his men might react to the Decepticon. Ironhide simply hated the fact, egg or not, that Barricade was coming to base, grumbling about dirty Decepticons. Will, Epps, and Fig were causing a stir over the fact that Cybertronians laid eggs.

"So, you're like chickens?" Will had asked Ironhide. "Do you just pop a squat, grunt and push a little, and then BAM there it is? Have _you_ ever laid an egg?"

"Mama Ironhide? Primus, that's hilarious." Epps snorted, before doing his best growl in imitation of Ironhide. "'Spark of mine, come along for shooting practice!'" Then he pitched his voice low and whiny, "'But _Moooom_ I wanna play with my wrenches! Papa Optimus said I didn't have to do anything unless it was my own choice!'"

"Wait, Ratchet's their kid?" Fig asked, clearly bewildered. Clearly he had missed the joke somewhere, assuming that Epps had actually learned that Ironhide and Optimus were Sparkmates and Ratchet their Sparkling. "That actually kind of makes sense. But Ironhide bottoms?"

That hadn't gone over well, and the resulting fuss made an even bigger stir.

And it was, unfortunately, the scene that Bumblebee and Barricade pulled up to, Sam slipping out of Bumblebee in record time and both Cybertronians transforming. Barricade took a moment to slide apart some of the armor on his chest, taking the egg out of hiding and holding it gently. Sam had been absolutely baffled on how he could store it away inside of him in bipedal mode, and had nearly had a heart attack when he'd transformed into alt mode like that, certain there'd be broken egg everywhere.

Optimus was holding Ironhide back while Ironhide brandished his cannons at three cowering organics, who were all hiding behind Ratchet's peds as the Medic cussed Ironhide off in a number of languages. Bumblebee stared at the scene mournfully, and Sam looked on in amusement.

Barricade simply looked unimpressed, "Does this happen often? I would not want my Sparkling raised in a hostile environment."

Three organics, the ones currently hiding from Ironhide, gaped at Barricade and the egg. Sam had already accepted the fact that Barricade had an egg, though he was firmly pushing any idea of how they made the egg, or how it came _out, _far from his mind. Optimus immediately let Ironhide go, leaving Ironhide surprised by the fact that he suddenly had to support his own weight and gravity taking over, making him nearly fall flat on his face. Ratchet just turned an annoyed look on Barricade.

"No, this poor excuse of a scrapheap just can't take organic humor." Ratchet said grumpily, moving closer to Barricade to try to examine the egg. "I'd personally give you permission to slag anyone who had weapons activated near the Sparkling."

Barricade held the egg away from Ratchet, watching the Medic warily, unsure whether he could trust him or not. Ratchet recognized this and backed off a bit, knowing very well that he shouldn't try to take a mech or femme's egg, let alone when he wasn't trusted by them.

Optimus vented heavily, "There is much to discuss between us, Barricade. As long as we are negotiating you and the egg will be protected under the Treaty of Iacon."

"How kind," Barricade said simply, setting his egg down next to Sam.

"You trust your Sparkling with an _organic_?" Ironhide asked in surprise.

Barricade sneered, "More than I would with you Autobots or your little organic soldiers."

"Sam apparently was trying to keep the egg warm even before Barricade saw him with it," Bumblebee told. "So then he just kept using Sam as an egg warmer."

"You must have been thrilled to walk in on Samuel that way," Ratchet commented dryly.

Barricade smirked, "Your Scout pulled the same stunt your Tactician does. He glitched."

Bumblebee warbled in embarrassment. That he had been hoping would have been kept between just the three of them, though he wasn't too surprised Barricade told. Sam was keeping the egg upright, but frowned up at all of the mechs.

"It's a bit late for the movie I had planned with Miles, but I need to at least give him an explanation as to why I'm ditching him. I forgot my phone."

"Given the circumstances, I believe you should do that later, Samuel." Optimus said.

"Yeah," Bumblebee nodded in agreement with his Prime. "Besides, did you not ditch him at the lake to get Mikaela inside of me instead? You did not seem to mind then."

Sam tried not to wince, staring pointedly at the ground. As innocent as Bumblebee had meant it his Guardian still ended up pointing out what a bad friend Sam had been, and still was being, to Miles. There was the familiar clang of metal hitting metal, and Sam looked up in surprise, Bumblebee holding his helm in shock.

"You're making him feel bad," Barricade snarled at the Scout, surprising all of them even more than the smack had.

* * *

Two hours later, and Barricade had claimed one of the few hangars at the Autobot base all for his own, along with all the table cloths until a better nest could be built for his precious egg. The negotiation had went as well as it possibly could, Barricade seeking guaranteed safety for himself and his soon to be born Sparkling, something Optimus was more than willing to promise him. His weapons were removed, along with his comm link. Although the war was over the fact that Barricade had an egg would take him out of the fighting, labeling him as a Neutral among Decepticons, and therefore making him a possible target.

That, and Starscream absolutely hated him, for a reason Barricade was unwilling to reveal.

Now, Bumblebee, Ratchet, and Optimus all sat outside under the stars, and conveniently near Barricade's hangar. Ironhide had retreated all the while grumbling that it was some sort of trick, paranoid in his old age. He'd get over it in a few days. The Weapons Specialist had taken Fig with him, presumably to torture him for ever assuming that Ratchet was his child, he was with Optimus, and more importantly, that he would be the femme in the relationship.

Epps and Will walked up to the three mechs sitting outside on the tarmac. Both Ratchet and Optimus had a few cubes of Energon, and it was the bright pink that signaled High Grade Energon, their equivalent of alcohol, regular being light pink. Bumblebee sat beside them, an untouched cube next to one of his legs. The Scout looked to be sulking, door wings drooping and helm in his servos.

"What's up, Bee?" Epps asked, patting the Scout on yellow leg plating.

"He _stole_ Sam!"

Both soldiers blinked in surprise at this exclamation, while Ratchet snorted and finished off another cube of High Grade.

"What Bumblebee means to say," Ratchet shifted his gaze to the two organics, "Is that Barricade is currently attempting to adopt Samuel, for lack of a better translation into your language. His Creator protocols are already up and running, but the Sparkling has not hatched yet. Samuel is still a Youngling by your own species considerations, and as Sam's Creators are nowhere in sight, Barricade's processor has translated him into a Youngling that requires a babysitter, I suppose, and he is currently 'stealing' him, as Bumblebee is so keen to put it."

"Thank Primus that he knows Judy and Ron are alive," Bumblebee said sourly, glaring in the direction of Barricade's hangar. "I'm not sure how well Sam'd take to the grooming."


	15. Marking

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Miles and Sam have a talk about Miles' new "buddy", Orion. Sam gets angry about what he finds out. Continuation of Freudian Slip and Oops, My Bad. (Peya Luna reviewed and inspired me to continue it at least to this point. x_x if there's a fourth it will be Miles finding everything out)

* * *

**_Marking_**

Sam felt like he needed to have a nice long and serious chat with his best friend, but he wasn't really sure how to go about it. They were back at the lookout, sitting side by side on Bumblebee's hood again. Miles was currently sipping on a milkshake, and Sam had just distractedly ordered a diet Coke, though he'd yet to really touch it.

"So what's up?" Miles finally asked, because of course he would recognize Sam's twitchy behavior as Sam wanting to talk about something.

"I was just thinking," Sam started, and boy was that true. Ever since he'd found out that Miles and Optimus had played the pelvic tango together, there had been a lot of thinking. "You took finding out that I was gay pretty easily. So what about you?"

"Me?" Miles asked, slightly surprised. "Bisexual."

"Do you have anyone?"

"Well, we're not exactly dating," Miles replied thoughtfully, "But I do have someone I see at least semi-frequently that could be labeled as a friend with benefits."

"What's his name?" Sam asked, glancing at his friend, torn between hoping it was who he thought it was and hoping it was someone he didn't know.

"Orion." Miles put on a teasing tone, "And he's a lot hotter than that blonde of yours."

Oh, he and Optimus were so going to have a talk. The Prime had said he never intended to see Miles again, and that was apparently the biggest lie he'd ever heard Optimus say.

"Do your parents know about him?" Sam completely ignored the jab at Bumblebee.

"Do my parents know I'm currently getting it off with some older gentleman that I've barely known for a month?" Miles laughed, "No. Mom'd blow a gasket. I'm actually kind of surprised that you're not blowing a gasket, actually."

"Yeah, well…" Sam couldn't tell him he already knew about it, and that was the only reason he wasn't freaking out. "How much older is he?"

"He has to be out of college, so I'd say late 20s?" Miles guessed, "I've never really asked."

"How much do you actually know about him?"

"Uhm…" Miles had to think about that one, "Well he sounds like he's someone important by the way he speaks, and with how he acts until he lets himself loose. I'd say he'd have to be military with how he looks, though we've never actually talked about it. He drives a semi with red flames which I think is rather amusing. He asks me a lot of questions but I can't really get much out of him."

"Doesn't it worry you that you're doing this with a stranger?" Sam pressed, slightly worried. "Would you want him to be your boyfriend?"

"I might be comfortable getting off with someone I barely know, but dating is a whole other matter. That bothers him, I guess. Said he'd rather we be lovers than fuck buddies." Miles snorted, shaking his head. "He has managed to get me to say yes to one actual date, but we'll see how that goes."

Sam could literally feel his eye twitch. Just what the hell did Optimus think he was playing at? Sure, Sam was technically lying to his friend, but at least he wasn't pretending to be another species. He was going to _kill_ Optimus. Forget the fact that the Prime was so much bigger than Sam it was pathetic, that Optimus was war hardened, a Prime in charge of an entire faction. He was so dead, especially since Sam could not see this ending well at all for his best friend.

"When's the date?" Sam asked weakly.

"Tonight, actually." Miles replied, finishing off his drink. Then he frowned, "Hey, is your car shaking?"

Sam hadn't realized until Miles said something, but Bumblebee's frame was shaking lightly beneath them. The Scout was _laughing_. Now Sam had two Autobots to tell off. At least with Bumblebee he could withhold sex.

"Something wrong with one of the brakes. It has trouble sticking in place so it shakes like this." Sam replied instantly, "Mikky needs to take a look at it."

"Huh, I think Orion's semi might be like that."

"Wow, what a coincidence." Sam said blandly, Bumblebee starting to shake harder. "Let's get off this hill, hmm? Makes it act up more."

* * *

Ten minutes later, and Sam had driven Miles back to his house, waving his friend away with an excuse of having to go to Mikaela's to get his car looked at. A lie, but he really didn't care. Bumblebee had managed to drive them back to the lookout before the Scout came to a stop. Sam was actually somewhat surprised that Bumblebee wasn't saying anything yet.

"I think we should visit base, Bee." Sam said lightly, glaring out the window.

"Sam, as an Autobot one of my foremost duties is to protect my Prime." Bumblebee replied with amusement, "Taking you to base at this moment would be the exact opposite of that."

"He's fucking Miles!"

"Actually, Optimus has informed me that he and Miles have not gone as far as you and I have." Bumblebee tried to sooth his Charge, "I believe the main reason he is attempting to 'date' Miles in the first place is because he seems to have marked him. Probably accidentally."

"Marked him?"

"Yes. Remember our nanobots? They're in our holoforms, too. Nanobots can rub off on a person we care about, leaving a visible signature to any other Cybertronian. Kind of how a dog marks it territory, only in not nearly as an offensive manner."

"He's marked Miles? Like, claimed him among all other Cybertronians?"

"Yes," Bumblebee affirmed, "Most likely it was done on accident at first, and while they can be removed, he has not done so. I would say he likes Miles, then."

"God," Sam groaned, putting his forehead on Bee's steering wheel. "I thought keeping him out of the loop about you guys would be best for him. Now he's still not in the loop, but claimed by one of you? This is so fucked up."

Bumblebee made a small noise of agreement, "I do think Optimus is toeing the line here, as you organics put it. This could become a very sticky situation very easily. I would dislike seeing either my Prime or Miles hurt by it. Fortunately Miles seems content with just being friends with benefits."

"Yeah, but you heard him!" Sam protested, "Optimus' got him on a date tonight. What are they even going to do?"

Sam was definitely going to have to find a way to kill Optimus without being suspected, there was no doubt about it now. Then, he realized something.

Sam glared at the Autobot symbol in the middle of the steering wheel, "This is your way of telling me you've already done it, isn't it?"

"Done what?" Bumblebee tried to play innocent.

"You marked me!" Sam hissed, "You could have at least _told_ me!"

Bumblebee whined, "Ironhide said he wouldn't mind giving you a go himself! I knew he was joking, but I had to!"

Sam groaned, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He was half flattered and half angry that Bumblebee hadn't even bothered to tell him. He'd have to have a talk with Ironhide about teasing his Guardian.


	16. Spider

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Sam's terrified of spiders and Miles picks up a tarantula. During another fight between Bumblebee and Barricade the spider gets on Sam and he freaks out. All Barricade wants is to fight Bumblebee in peace. Is that too much to ask? (continuation of No Means No. Bee/Sam, though there's really no say of it in this)

* * *

**_Spider_**_  
_(cont. from No Means No)

True to his word, it was nearly a month before Barricade engaged Bumblebee in battle again.

This time Bumblebee was organic-less, but Barricade hadn't known that the Scout was going to meet Sam and Miles from out in the desert where Miles' very sentient car had broken down, leaving them stranded. The only reason Bumblebee had been called instead of Mikaela was because Sam and Miles were fighting again, Miles having picked up something that Sam disliked intensely, and Sam would prefer to just go home once Bumblebee made sure Miles could be returned as well. Or just leave Miles there altogether.

As busy as he was with the sudden appearance of Barricade, he hadn't thought to explain this to the Decepticon. He soon realized he should have because Miles' car appeared suddenly, leading him to believe that they had fixed it and it would just break down again soon. Barricade snarled at them, and almost as soon as the two teens had scrambled out of the car he had grabbed it and tossed, sending it rolling. Miles had looked at his car in horror, while Sam had grabbed his hand and dragged him behind it to hide.

Bumblebee and Barricade resumed their fight, Barricade intent on ignoring the two organics. And it worked for all of five minutes.

"Uh, Sam?" Miles asked, looking at his friends back in growing horror.

"Yeah?" Sam replied, eyes locked on Barricade and Bumblebee.

"My uh…" Miles trailed off weakly, "On your back…"

Sam glanced over his shoulder, immediately paling as began to hop around, trying to get the tarantula off his back. He was terrified of spiders, especially big ones like what Miles had picked up.

A high pitched scream rang out, overpowering the sound of two battling Cybertronians. It surprised the both of them into stopping, one because he'd not expected it, and the other because he knew that vocal register and it was his Charge, the organic he was meant to protect. One set of blue optics and one set of red optics flew to where two organics were attempting to hide, behind Miles' overturned car.

"SPIDER! KILL IT BEE, KILL IT!"

Sam just didn't care any longer that Bumblebee and Barricade was supposed to be fighting to their deaths, he wanted away from that tarantula and he wanted away from it _now_. He ran for the first Cybertronian he could get to, and he scaled their leg as quickly as possible, hanging around near the knee joint. Unfortunately this was on Barricade.

"What the pit?" Barricade was too surprised to snarl, shaking his ped in an attempt to get Sam off. "Get your organic off me!"

"NOT UNTIL HE KILLS THE SPIDER!"

"Jesus, Sam." Miles sounded like he was regretting ever being friends with someone who was stupid enough to run towards an enemy for protection.

He quickly picked up his tarantula again, holding it protectively in his hands, while Bumblebee tried to talk his Charge down and off of Barricade's ped. Barricade had to continue to hold his ped up during this, getting more and more annoyed. The only reason he wasn't just killing both organics was because he knew that it would get him killed. Continually attacking Bumblebee was just expected, killing his organic or his organic's friend was a death sentence that would have all Autobots out after him. If he was going to be killed it would not be over a few organic.

Two minutes later, and Barricade was seriously beginning to lose his resolve on not killing the squishy organics. He glanced at Miles again, optics zeroing in on the thing that had the organic on him freaking out so badly. A quick internet search told him it was an arachnid, specifically a tarantula, and that Sam's freak out was caused by arachnophobia. He looked up some more pictures of spiders, finally picking one, before adjusting the perimeters of his hologram.

He activated his hologram, an identical image of a black widow spider coming to life just five feet away from where he was standing. But it was a lot larger than any actual spider could be, taller than Sam was and half the width of the non-sentient car that he had just totaled.

Sam went dead silent as he stared at the giant spider in front of him, the fake black widow clicking its mandibles threateningly and looking at him with those beady black eyes. Somewhere in the very back of his mind he knew it was fake, it had just appeared out of nowhere and was way too big, he knew that. But that was at the very back of his mind, everything in front telling him to run away screaming.

Which is just what he did, hopping off Barricade's ped and turning tail, fleeing from the fake spider even faster than he had from Megatron, screaming at the top of his lungs as the holofram followed for about fifty feet, hissing all the while. Bumblebee watched with wide optics before chasing after his wayward Charge.

"Was that really necessary?" Miles asked flatly, still holding the arachnid that had started it all.

Barricade just shrugged, dissolving the hologram and resolving himself to the fact that he might never get to beat the Autobot Scout into a scrapheap.


	17. One Finger Salute

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Ironhide witnesses Epps giving Will the one finger salute, and asks the soldier what it means. Epps lies, and regrets it later when Ironhide, and then all the other 'bots, use it towards Secretary Keller.

* * *

**_One Finger Salute_**

"Concentrate," Ironhide said, surprisingly gently, holoform out and beside Sergeant Robert Epps, attempting to help him improve on his aim. "Deep breath, inhale and hold just before pulling the trigger."

Epps inhaled deeply, one eye closed as he attempted to line up with the target so far in front of him, praying for a bull's eye. Ironhide, once he found out that Epps wasn't the best shot ever, had promised the soldier he would personally help him improve, and that they wouldn't leave the shooting range until he had at least one bull's eye.

"ROBERT!"

Epps jumped at the bellow, pulling the trigger on accident and watching as the bullet completely missed the target. He cursed, whirling around to face his Captain as Will Lennox stalked towards him, looking ready to kill. He cast a sideways glance to Ironhide's holoform beside him, wondering if he could attempt to hide behind the Autobot Weapons Specialist.

"Why have you not done your paperwork?" Will asked as he came to a stop, narrowing his eyes.

"I was helping Sam with his homework," Epps lied easily, glancing at the papers Will waved in his face.

"For _two_ weeks?"

"School project," Epps shrugged, "Ask him yourself."

Epps knew Sam would vouch for him even when pressured by Will, but Will knew that, too. They could both use Sam to vouch for them on different things, but they could never use Sam against each other effectively because each knew that it was probably a lie. He was wonderful when it came to lying to Galloway or one of the 'bots, especially Ratchet on why they hadn't come in for their weekly checkup.

Will rolled his eyes, hissing at his Sergeant. "Do the damn paperwork before I deem it necessary to give you Skids&Flap detail for a week."

"Yes, Sir!" Epps cried immediately, but when he raised his arm to salute his Captain he gave him the middle finger version of it.

Will snorted, giving Epps one last look before he looked away, graciously deciding not to comment on the improper salute. They'd been friends for a long time now, and Epps knew better than to give it to him when it was an actual important order, or around men that hadn't been as close to Lennox yet, so as not to disrespect his Captain in front of them. And if it was the worst way Epps blew him off this week, he'd be thanking Primus.

Ironhide watching the Captain walk away, before glancing back down at the Sergeant at his side.

"What was that salute?" Ironhide asked curiously.

"That?" Epps grinned up at the large 'bot, "It's called the 'One Finger Salute'. I'd never give it to say, Optimus, because I don't know the mech that well, but towards Will it's a sign of my deep appreciation and respect towards him, thanking him for all that he puts up with when it comes to my annoying ass and not just slapping me in the brig like Prowl would like him to."

Ironhide grunted at this new information, before having Epps return to his aim training.

* * *

Two months later, and it was a normal day at base when Secretary Keller paid a surprise visit. Though the Secretary of Defense had more important things to do then continually watch over NEST, he was still somewhat in charge of the whole operation, and that included how much NEST spent. This was what his surprise visit was about; to have a talk about just how much the Autobots wasted money wise without a second thought.

It started with Optimus Prime. The Prime was just a little too lenient in not asking what money was being used for, something he quickly had to fix concerning Skids and Mudflap when they bought out an entire theme park for a week and sent the NEST soldiers there to have a lot of fun. Sam, Mikaela, Will, and Epps had loved it though.

There was Ratchet, who was continuously buying different machine parts and trying to adapt them to Cybertronian standards. This was expected, as most stuff could definitely just not be slapped on and be called a decent repair, but ten thousand car mufflers had been a bit excessive. The Medic sheepishly admitted that had been before he'd bothered to learn the humans numbering system just yet, as he was trying to order _ten_, and that he was still trying to find a use for all of the mufflers. If he had it he at least was going to attempt to find a use for it.

John Keller went on to berate Prowl, Skids and Mudflap, Bumblebee, and several others, before turning to Ironhide.

"And you-" John Keller hissed, gesturing to Ironhide and surprising the Weapons Specialist. "You continuously blow things up! There were the advanced speakers the twins hacked to play some nonsense song and you shot, the computer you thought was possessed, the microwave, the laptop, that entire building you _leveled_ when you were full of High Grade, and several other occurrences! You're the worst of the lot just because you're trigger happy! Pay more attention to what you blow up, soldier!"

This made Epps' words come back to the Weapons Specialist, and he attempted to 'thank him for all he puts up with' by giving Secretary Keller the proper salute. He raised his arm, placing his servo against the top of his helm, or what would count as his forehead, extending his middle finger.

There was dead silence, and the Secretary of Defense looked pissed, an unusual facial expression for the man who had a world of patience for all the stupidity he had to put up with. Ironhide's fellow Cybertronians shared confused looks, never having seen the particular salute that the Weapons Specialist was performing.

"Ironhide, what does that salute mean?" Optimus asked, curious.

"This is called the One Finger Salute. It is a way to express gratitude towards those who have to put up with a ton of slag that you hand deliver them." Ironhide said, looking smug. It was rare for him to know something that none of the other 'bots knew.

Immediately, all of the Cybertronians copied the salute Ironhide was performing, offering it to Secretary Keller. To say the Secretary of Defense was shocked was an understatement, unsure what to say. From Ironhide's little explanation they could clearly not be blamed as they had no idea what it really meant, and John immediately looked for the real culprit. Will looked highly amused, Sam was biting his lip to keep from laughing, Fig looked confused, and Mikaela was quietly snickering behind her hand. Only Epps looked horrified, so John focused his glare on him.

"I can explain," Epps offered weakly, knowing he was in for it.


	18. Absolutely Batty

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Barricade makes the mistake of going to the Witwicky household so he can have his fight with the Insect. Sam is sick and Miles is dropping off homework for him, Judy coming out to meet Miles and getting to meet Barricade. Barricade will soon come to regret ever getting near the house, as will Miles. (So apparently this little plotline wants to turn even crazier and now into complete crack. Okay.)

* * *

**_Absolutely_ _Batty_**  
(cont. of Spider/No Means No)

By this point, Barricade really should have just learned to not go anywhere near Bumblebee when there was even the slightest possibility of organics being around.

Sadly, Barricade had the idea, one he thought was rather ingenious, to just pull right up outside of LadiesMan217's household and talk to the Autobot Scout that way. It was rather annoying that he had to stoop to actually going and retrieving the Autobot, possibly even arranging a time beforehand, just so they could finally get the Primus forsaken battle over with. That way Bumblebee could make sure they didn't need to worry about the organics. The first time, with the blonde one's sex comment, Barricade could pass off. The second time where he'd gotten annoyed enough to bring out a hologram of a spider just to scare LadiesMan217 off was just an insult. Almost as if neither organic saw him as a threat.

So he had taken the initiative, driving to where his databanks informed him was the address of the Witwicky household. There was no sight of the bright yellow 'bot, so Barricade reversed into the driveway so he could face out towards the oncoming street and waited patiently. He knew there was this thing the humans deemed 'school' that the Autobot was probably currently at. Or at least he had assumed so until a scan of the house revealed Sam's unique organic signature, as well as another.

He only had to wait about an hour before the Autobot Scout came into his sensor range, apparently picking him up on his own scanners because Bumblebee sped up. Soon enough there was a silently raging Autobot pulling into the driveway and advancing forward until their bumpers were almost touching.

"What do _you_ want?" Bumblebee hissed, and Barricade was almost surprised at the tone. It wasn't like he was doing anything to the Scout's precious organic.

Miles slipped out of Bumblebee, patting the Scout on the hood and eyeing Barricade with obvious curiosity.

"Sam's sick," Miles offered by way of explanation, since Bumblebee wasn't going to say anything else, apparently.

"Ah," The sneer could practically be heard in Barricade's voice, "Worried about your precious organic that much? They are so fragile, after all."

"Why you-" Bumblebee was cut off as the sound of someone leaving the Witwicky house could be heard, an organic femme walking towards the three on her driveway.

"Bumblebee, Miles, glad to see you again!" Judy said cheerfully, "Thanks again for bringing his homework, Miles."

Miles nodded dumbly, looking at Judy with wide eyes and wondering if she really couldn't feel the hostility radiating out from the two Cybertronians sitting on her driveway. Bumblebee and Barricade were thinking something similar, Bumblebee sounding off a hesitant 'good afternoon' to the femme parental unit he'd come to know.

"Who's your little friend?" Judy asked curiously, turning to smile at Barricade.

"He's not our friend, Mrs. Witwicky!" Bumblebee quickly corrected, barely holding back a growl as to not get on the woman's bad side. "He is one of the Decepticons, the bad guys. Stay away from him, he is dangerous!"

Barricade scoffed, "And here I was beginning to think that you lot were forgetting that! The blonde fleshling and your precious organic seem to bumble about like idiots without a care for the danger they're in! I really would expect differently from LadiesMan217 after I threatened him so."

"Excuse me?" Had Barricade known Judy, he would have immediately begun apologizing, even if it wasn't something he'd done.

"Uhm, Barricade, you might not want to…" Miles tried to warn the Decepticon, knowing that voice and that look very well.

Bumblebee knew them just as well, and had he been in bipedal mode he would have smirked. "Oh, yes. Barricade here was the first Decepticon to find Sam. According to Sam he roughed him up a bit, even throwing him on top of a non-sentient vehicle."

"Oh." Judy smiled brightly, bypassing the Decepticon as she made her way to the garage and disappeared inside.

Barricade was confused; the Autobot Scout had said his previous explanation so joyfully. He knew something was up, especially by the way that the blonde organic looked at him as if he _pitied_ him. He grew angry quickly, growling.

"What is so amusing, Autodolt?" Barricade growled, "Keep it up and it'll be your precious organic who suffers for it."

"DON'T YOU THREATEN MY BABY!"

The yell from behind startled him, but not nearly as much as the **wham** of the baseball bat as it slammed against his truck as hard as the femme organic could make it. It startled him so much that he jerked forward on his tires, bumping into the Autobot in front of him who quickly backed up a few feet and settled on his shocks.

"What the slag?" Barricade cried in pure shock, not able to move forward due to Bumblebee and a move backwards could damage the femme organic and get him killed.

"Did you really hurt my Sammie?" Judy growled as she came around to Barricade's front, knowing this would give him a good look at her.

Barricade didn't respond, and Judy took this as a silent 'yes' to her question, raising the bat high above her head. Barricade reversed back as quickly as he could, but it wasn't quick enough, Judy slamming it down on his hood.

* * *

Sam exited his house, sniffling softly as he made his way to see what all the commotion was about. He'd heard just enough to wake him, the sound of metal slamming against metal and incoherent yelps along with his mother yelling. The first thing he saw was the bright yellow of his Guardian, padding over to Bumblebee immediately before even looking at anything else. This was because the Autobot was so far on to the grass that he was right near the porch.

Bumblebee activated his holoform as soon as Sam was a few steps away from his frame, wrapping his arms around his Charge and holding him close. It was rather nice to have a lover who was immune to anything he could catch, something Sam was very appreciative of.

Sam smiled at Bumblebee, before looking towards the driveway and blinking. He suddenly understood why Bumblebee was shaking with silent laughter, both forms of him.

"Is Barricade trying to run away from my mom?"

"Mhm," Bumblebee grinned, pulling Sam even closer.

"And my mom has the metal bat?"

"Oh, yeah." Bumblebee said cheerfully, snickering.

"Why is Miles trying to get it away from her?"

"I think he feels bad for Barricade." Bumblebee replied with a shrug.

"Huh…" Sam said, sounding thoughtful. "I kind of do to. I wouldn't wish my mother on anyone, not even Megatron."

"I agree, but I do so love this sight." Bumblebee said with no remorse at all, making sure to tape every second of it so he could share it with the rest of the Autobots.

The two fell silent as they stood there watching. Barricade was driving in desperate donuts as Judy chased him, smashing the bat into him whenever she could. Miles was chasing Judy, trying to grab the bat, or trying to grab the woman herself, occasionally shouting something. Barricade himself was letting out an impressive strain of curses that would have given Ratchet a run for his Energon shares. The Decepticon had several brand new dents that would take a while to work out.

"I'LL KILL YOU FOR TOUCHING MY BABY!"

"Get away from me you slagging glitched organic! I'll never touch LadiesMan217 again!"

"Judy, stop! He's said he's sorry!"

With a surprisingly animilastic snarl, Judy turned on Miles too.

"DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" A swing at Miles that missed on purpose, and then one at Barricade that purposefully hit. "AND DON'T YOU TRY TO GET OUT OF YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

"Shit!"  
"Frag!"

Now it had turned from Barricade being chased by Judy who was being chased by Miles to Miles and Barricade both being chased by the enraged mother, Miles desperately attempting to keep up with the Decepticon's tight donuts, both of them trying to avoid the bat of doom.

"Does Barricade realize he could just drive out of the yard?" Sam asked, head leant on the holoform's shoulder as they both leant against Bumblebee's frame.

"Creator femmes," Bumblebee replied with a chuckle, "Instilling fear and making idiots out of us all since the beginning of time. Barricade's having the same exact reaction I did when I first officially met her: so stunned that a tiny organic would dare come at us that our processor stops computing right and we equate her to a femme creator of our own kind, making her as scary as she needs to be so she can easily put us in our places."

"I love my mom," Sam sighed happily.

"As do I."


	19. Obvious Statements

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **Spending so much time with humans Bumblebee quickly becomes adapted to their way of living. The only thing he doesn't overly like is their habit to continuously state the obvious. 'Happy Time' with Sam makes him rethink this, until Miles walks in. Bumblebee's POV! (Uhm... Rating goes up in this? Not overly naughty but kinda?)

* * *

**_Obvious Statements_**

Humans had a way of stating the obvious that often left Bumblebee unbelievably frustrated. When Sam would climb inside of him after eight hours of school the Autobot Scout would ask him how it was. Depending on how tired Sam was or his mood he'd get a simple response of 'school was school'.

Well, that much was obvious!

Then there had been the day that Optimus had let loose that Ironhide and Ratchet were 'married' as the humans would call it, something they all thought was fairly obvious, but Will and Epps had not. Epps had gaped up at all of them a startled, 'You're together?' leaving him. Ironhide had grunted, and Epps had turned to Sam and Will with a whispered 'They're _together_!'. Sam and Will had just shrugged at him.

He supposed, when he finally worked up the metal bearings five months after the day Sam had bought him, that he really should have expected Sam to once again state the obvious when he told his Charge just how much he liked him. In fact, to a certain degree, he had fully expected it, but had been much more worried about whether his Charge would accept and return his feelings, accept and not return, or deny and run away screaming.

He'd never expected how much he would enjoy the statements of the obvious, one of the few things about human culture that annoyed him. Or used to annoy him.

It turned out to be rather attractive when he had Sam trapped between his holoform and the organic's bed, things getting so heated it was hard to tell where he began and where Sam ended, his Charge babbling almost incoherently, as if he couldn't stop himself, which was just fine with Bumblebee. The internet might have said guys could get off and have sex together, but Sam had been rather uncomfortable when Bumblebee had first given an experimental probe down there. But now the teen was loving it, babbling such things as 'It feels good', 'more', and 'God, Bee!', as his Guardian thrusted into him in the messy version of Sparking that the humans called sex.

They had barely finished round one when Bumblebee was going after round two, a surprised squawk of 'Again?' leaving his Charge in a way that the mech was quickly beginning to find adorable. Stating the obvious or not, he didn't seem to mind anymore.

"Holy shit!" Both mech and teen were startled by the loud exclamation from somewhere in the doorway, Bumblebee immediately doing his best to cover his Charge up. "You're having sex!"

Bumblebee nearly growled, shooting the blonde teenager in the doorway a withering look for that statement, quickly amending his previous thoughts. He didn't seem to mind anymore when it was coming from _Sam_, especially not when they were going at it.


	20. Psych

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **After walking in on Sam and a "Benji A. Romero" Miles finally gets desperate enough to set up a camera in his friends house to find out the truth. Awhile later and Optimus has been roped into giving him a ride, so Miles takes the opportunity to tell the Prime several things under the guise of being psychic.

* * *

_**Psych**  
_(cont. of Obvious Statements)

Optimus Prime continuously felt his gaze being drawn to the young organic sitting in his cab in the passenger seat. Miles Lancaster just stared out the window, seeming oblivious to Optimus' discomfort.

Optimus, like Bumblebee, had a holoform to use in just such cases. Though how Sam had managed to rope him in to driving his friend home Optimus couldn't quite recall. He had a feeling it had something to do with the puppy eyes that the savior of their race had used on him, reminding him so much of Bumblebee's own wide and pleading optics that he had said yes without thinking about it.

It wasn't that he rarely used his holoform, no he was quite capable in that department. It was the fact that Miles knew nothing about his kind, and Optimus felt guilty over that. He knew Sam wanted nothing more to tell his best organic friend, but Optimus and Secretary of Defense John Keller had asked him not to say a word. Sam's turmoil over this had only increased when Miles had accidentally walked in on Sam and Optimus' Scout doing, as the humans would say, the dirty deed. Luckily Bumblebee had been using his holoform and they had been in Sam's room, but it was still hard to explain away, especially since Sam now had to make up the life of Benji A. Romero, his fake boyfriend.

It had been even harder to explain why a big blue semi with a flame decal was sitting on the curb, and Optimus had then been introduced as Orion A. Romero, Benji's father and boss.

"What was your name again?" Miles asked softly, shocking the Prime out of his thoughts. "Optimus?"

Optimus was taken aback so much that he nearly talked through his radio, just remembering to make his voice come out of the holoform. "It's Orion, actually."

"That's a lie."

"Excuse me?" Optimus barely managed to choke out, still doing his best to sound polite.

"A leader should not lie, Optimus Prime." Miles turned a calculating look on him, taken in Optimus' gob smacked face. "I do not appreciate being lied to by strangers, even less so when it is by my own friend."

Optimus continued to stare at the organic in pure shock.

"You should at least pretend to watch the road." Miles pointed out, and Optimus jerked his holoform's head back towards the front.

"Er…" The Prime trailed off, unsure where to begin. "How do you know?"

"How?" Miles echoed, and Optimus thought he sounded amused. "Tell me, do you know what a psychic is?"

"A person who has powers not normally known to humans, often said to communicate with the spirit world or see the future and or past." Optimus quoted immediately from the first website definition he could find.

"Exactly so," Miles replied, before pointing. "This is it. Pull up here, please."

Optimus did as the teen instructed, and Miles made to leave.

"Wait!" Optimus called, Miles already unbuckled and opening his door. "You're saying your psychic?"

"Tell Sam's Camaro that if he hurts Sam in any way that I know exactly where Judy keeps her bat, I don't care if he can run me over, I'll be able to hurt him before I go." Miles said lightly, climbing out of Optimus' cab.

He stopped halfway, glancing at the Prime again as he hung on the verge of hopping out. "Oh, and stop worrying about Jazz's death. He knew what he was getting into when he decided to come on this mission with the lot of you, and knew what he was doing when he took on the other side without back up. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself for his death."

Optimus stared at the teen in shock, Miles not even giving him a second glance as he hopped out of the cab and then disappeared inside of his house. How in Primus' name did the teen know he was guilty over the death of his third in command?

* * *

Miles closed the door behind him and locked it, leaning against the wall and letting out a deep breath. It was a good thing that whatever Optimus Prime and Bumblebee were didn't come with built in lie detectors, else Optimus' bull shit meter would have been broken by the time Miles was done. Luckily for Miles, they didn't.

So claiming to by psychic wasn't the best lie ever, but it wasn't like he could just tell Optimus that he got so worried about Sam that he hid a camera in his house and then watched it. He was fairly sure that was illegal, and if Sam ever found out would get him a good thrashing. But he really was worried for his best friend, Mission City, his talk of his car chasing him, the mysterious Benji, and a whole list of other things. He _needed_ to know, and he'd found out the only way he could since Sam wasn't talking.

He just needed to hope that Optimus wouldn't say anything to Sam about it, now.


	21. Confusion

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot: **The time of peace and so few mechs on Earth leaves Ratchet with unexpected free time, and he decides to learn more about this planet they now had to call home by taking up some of their games. He develops a love hate relationship with Pokemon, and the others only find out about his dirty secret when Sam and Miles are shown around base by Optimus Prime.

* * *

_**Confusion**_

Miles had found out about the Autobots, and the only reason Sam was happy about the situation was because it wasn't _his_ fault. He couldn't really blame Bumblebee, though. Sam and Miles had been fighting to put on their seat belts and purposefully elbowing each other when Sam's elbow had slipped and knocked the slushy out of Miles' hand, spilling it all over Bumblebee's seat, floor, and the gear shift. The poor mech had yelped so loudly it left his ears ringing, pulling over immediately and dumping them out as he attempted to get the cold slimy mixture out of him.

Luckily for them both Miles had just gawked up at Bumblebee for a minute before apologizing. Apparently Sam wasn't very good at keeping a secret from Miles in the first place, and the fact that Miles had a distant cousin named Leo who had shown him a few videos of what actually happened in Mission City. As soon as they had found out about the videos Maggie and Glen had to go in and access Leo's site before deleting the videos and shutting it down, leaving Miles stuck to deal with all the complaining Leo did after it.

But it also meant that Sam could take Miles to meet all the other Cybertronians, a bonus since he had yet to see the base they had built for themselves. Outside of Bumblebee he rarely got to see the rest of the Autobots, so he was a lot more excited for the trip than Miles was when the weekend finally rolled around.

"Optimus!" Sam called as he jogged up to the Autobot leader, Miles following behind him. Bumblebee made sure they reached the Prime before driving off to visit some others.

"Ah, Samuel." Optimus greeted, "It is nice to see you once more. Is this the newest addition to the organics who know of us?"

Sam nodded, "Yeah. Optimus this is Miles, my best friend, and Miles this is Optimus Prime, the Autobot leader."

"Nice to meet you," Miles said politely.

"As it is you," Optimus responded in kind, "Has anyone shown you the base yet?"

"No." Sam responded, grinning up at the Prime. "Gonna give us the grand tour, boss 'bot?"

A chuckle, "Might as well. I believe I will be able to give better introductions to young Miles than you will."

"As long as you don't let Ratchet do that pheromone thing again," Sam replied with a shudder.

"Pheromone thing?" Miles asked, bewildered.

Sam had to explain the incident to Miles, how when Ratchet first met them he had said that Sam's pheromone levels suggested he wished to mate with Mikaela. All true, but not something that should have been said. By now Ratchet knew better than to make any comments like that, something all the organics that knew him were very grateful for.

Miles snickered at him, and Sam just rolled his eyes. Optimus picked them both up, holding one organic in each servo and showing them around base that way. He also took the time to introduce Miles to each mech, going through the new arrivals first as Sam had yet to meet them. Two months after Mission City Prowl had caught wind of the transmission Optimus had sent into space, and three months later he, Wheeljack, Sunstreaker, and Sideswipe had landed somewhere in the deserts of Nevada.

"And lastly, this is the Medbay, where you can most often find our Chief Medical Officer, Ratchet." Optimus was saying as he walked them over towards the Medbay.

Sam smirked at his friend, stage whispering. "And here we're coming upon the exclusive habitat of the wild Ratchet. When startled or angered he falls back to wrenches and evil ninja medical tactics. At three on the dot he'll wander out, sniffing for his prey before capturing and dragging them back inside of the Medbay for their 'checkup'." He even went as far as to do air quotes on checkup, "He feeds on the fear and pain of the mechs he operates on."

"You have _really_ got to stop watching so much Animal Planet, buddy." Miles snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Indeed," Optimus chuckled, "It has not allowed you to explain the true horrors of the mech within well enough to prepare your friend."

Sam snickered as Optimus grinned, the Prime entering into the Medbay.

"WHAT THE SLAG DO YOU MEAN IT HIT ITSELF IN ITS CONFUSION?" The bellow startled Optimus so badly he almost dropped the two organics in his servos, battle mask sliding down instantly. "I SAID DOUBLE KICK NOT PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE, YOU PIT FORSAKEN SCRAPHEAP!"

Sam stared at Ratchet with wide eyes, while Optimus looked at his Medic with worried optics. Ratchet was set at a desk, medical tools lining the wall in front of him and Datapads filling up the desk. He seemed to be staring intently at something small in his servos.

"Ratchet?" Optimus asked carefully, "Is all well, old friend?"

"I'm fine!" Ratchet snarled, not even bothering to turn and look at them.

"Replace your current Pokemon with another one from your party, and then send your current back in. It won't be confused anymore." Miles said, Sam and Optimus immediately staring at him while Ratchet did what he suggested. "What? I love that game!"

"Pokemon?" Optimus clearly had no idea what either Ratchet or Miles were talking about.

Miles climbed down from the Prime's hand, making his way over to Ratchet instead and climbing up on to the desk so he could better help the Medic out that way. Which left Sam to try to explain the world of Pokemon to a mech who, just today, had nearly panicked when Epps had gotten a migraine and said that he thought his head was going to explode if Sunstreaker and Sideswipe didn't shut up, leading the Prime to yell at his Frontliners.

Sam just sighed, deciding that Ratchet could explain it if the Prime was that curious. "You don't even need to know boss 'bot. You just don't even need to know."


	22. I Choose You

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.

**Given by: **_shadowhaseo._ Kinda. They gave Wheeljack actually creating Pokemon, but this popped out instead.  
**Plot:** Ratchet, pulling a prank? Just what is Earth doing to the wrench-happy Medic? Wheeljack doesn't mind helping this mischievousness, though poor Prowl suffers in the end. Jazz will put an end to that.

* * *

**I Choose You  
****(cont. of Confusion)**

"You want me to make _what_?" Wheeljack's surprise was evident in the way his finials flashed. A quick search on the World Wide Web had told him just what was being asked, of course, but that didn't stop his disbelief.

"C'mon," One mech wheedled, giving the Scientist wide blue optics. The human equivalent of puppy eyes. "We all know you can make anything after a certain amount of… trials."

Trials were just a nice way of saying explosions, but Wheeljack appreciated it nonetheless. His explosions had made him famous, and the Scientist hated it. He was an engineer, a scientist, a creator, for Pits sake! Sure, his rate of blowing things up might have been startling near Ironhide's, but that hardly mattered. An explosion just meant he was a little closer to perfecting whatever he was working on, because clearly whatever had made it explode was a no go. It was a full proof way to make sure his creations were perfect.

Even if Ratchet nearly ended up offlining him several times because of said explosions.

"Yeah!" The other mech agreed, tossing an arm around Wheeljack's shoulders in a friendly manner and whispering in his audial. "Even Ratch likes this idea."

"Even Ratchet, huh?"

Well, that pretty much sealed it. Wheeljack finally nodded, waving the other two off and accessing the World Wide Web once more. Before he actually got around to creating what had been requested he had to make sure it fit as closely to the originals as he could get it.

* * *

A month and seven explosions later, the plan was set into motion. A total of four mechs and one organic knew about it, Wheeljack counted in that group of mechs. Out of that five only Wheeljack would not actually be doing anything but creating the needed element to do said plan, and then enjoying the data file he would get showing him the reactions. He wasn't let on completely, only creating what was needed and not helping in any other way, but that still left him a decent hint.

The planned setting was the recreational room where mechs and organics alike could spend time together and relax. The stage was set on one rainy Saturday night, the rec-room being unusually full because of it. Ratchet had managed to get Jazz onlined again by the use of the Allspark shard Optimus had plucked from Megatron's dying Spark, and the Saboteur was loving being online once more. But there had been a recent battle with Starscream and what Decepticons he had managed to rouse up. It had put everyone in a melancholy mood, proving that the war was not over despite the loss of Megatron and the Allspark. It was the perfect time to do it.

Everymech was there, as well as the organics worth noting. Prowl, Wheeljack, Optimus, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Bumblebee. Epps, Will, Fig, Mikaela, Miles, and Sam. Besides those six organics there were also several other organic soldiers hanging around, the older ones playing a game of poker with Epps while Will pretended not to notice and Fig talked weapons with Ironhide. Sam and Mikaela watched the TV with Bumblebee, Optimus, Wheeljack, and Prowl. Miles was talking to Ratchet.

After half an hour, Wheeljack knew the plan was set into action. Miles and Ratchet had been talking the whole time, and now Miles was starting to raise his voice while the way Ratchet held his frame, the familiar tensing up and occasional twitchy servos as if he wished nothing more to un-subspace a wrench, only holding himself back because this was an _organic_ and would be killed if he ever did such a thing. As their 'fight' continued, Miles stood up to glare up at the Medic as Ratchet mirrored his actions, staring down at the organic with fire in his optics.

This immediately drew all optics and eyes in the room, not to mention ears and audials. The louder Miles got, Ratchet's own level quickly rising to meet his own, the more evident it became. They were arguing about GPP, an acronym that no one or mech recognized. Miles kept referencing someone named Marvin, while Ratchet continuously pointed out that said someone had been a failed prototype, and that the doors would attest to how satisfied they were.

All the mechs had failed to realize quite how far Ratchet had fallen into the black hole known as Earth entertainment.

"Well, then," Ratchet finally snarled, "There's only one way to settle this, isn't there?"

"Winner is right, loser has to apologize and grovel!"

"You'll be groveling soon then, organic." Ratchet snorted, before turning and snapping at the occupants of the room. "Half of you against that wall, half over against that one! Clear the way, we need the space to do this right!"

Everymech and organic jumped to follow the Medic's orders, Cybertronians lining one wall while the organics lined the other. Miles and Ratchet stood facing each other on opposite sides of the room. Miles reached for something under his shirt, attached to his belt, while Ratchet un-subspaced an item. Both items were identical, tiny red and white balls, so small that one certainly didn't seem to belong in Ratchet's large servo.

"Sideswipe, I chose you!"  
"Sunstreaker, come on out!"

Both organics tossed the tiny spheres into the air, the balls opening and a red beam of light shooting out of them, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe appearing where the beams hit the ground. Both twins took a fighting stance in front of their respective 'trainers'.

"Sideswipe, use taunt!" Ratchet ordered.

"_Your paint looks dull and there's a scratch line on your chassis. Look at me, I'm flawless today. I'm prettier than you!_"

That was the last straw. Sam and several other organics burst out laughing, all knowing at least the basics of what was going on even if they had never played the game or watched the TV show. There was a subtle engine rumble of laughter from Optimus, the mech having known a little from Sam's explanation all that time ago. Bumblbee's frame was shaking in silent laughter, the mech knowing from his time spent in the Witwicky driveway with a six year old boy next door, Ironhide next to him and looking utterly lost.

"Sunstreaker, use sacred sword!"

Immediately Sunstreaker un-subspaced one of his famous Energon blades, going to attack his brother with it until Ratchet called his own move.

"Sideswipe, dodge it and use fury swipe!"

Sideswipe followed his trainer's command, dodging the blade and then heading back around to use fury swipe.

"Sunstreaker, fury swipe as well!"

The two twins clashed head on in fury swipe, both tearing into each other violently. Bumblebee finally lost it, clutching his sides as he laughed, and the organics just laughed harder. Fury swipe was nothing more than the twins slapping each other's servos as they leaned away from each other. Prowl finally glitched, venting sharply as he offlined and pitched forward, landing on both Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.

Silence as every mech and organic looked at the pile of unmoving mechs on the ground.

"Tie." Ratchet grunted, moving forward and rolling Prowl off of the twins, Sunstreaker immediately sitting up and complaining about his paint job.

* * *

Prowl onlined slowly, optics recognizing the ceiling of the Medbay instantly and telling him he was in no danger. As he gained his bearings, the Second in Command was barely able to contain a groan at what had made him crash this time around. A search on the World Wide Web revealed to him what had been going on, though he was surprised Ratchet had gotten involved.

Watching a snippet of a Pokemon episode nearly made Prowl crash again. A small yellow mouse creature taking on a much larger creature made out of many rocks and defeating it, then the owner of said yellow mouse and said rock creature becoming friends and going on a journey together. It was just so…. Earth. Prowl could now firmly state, without a doubt in his mind, that he hated Pokemon as if it were a fact, because it would be.

He ran a quick defrag on his processor to make sure everything was as it should be, though he had complete faith in Ratchet. His internal chronometer told him it was well past midnight, explaining why the Medbay was dark and leading him to assume that Ratchet was most likely in recharge, meaning he was alone.

A movement far to his right, just barely in the corner of his optic, caught his attention. Something round was being tossed up in the air, and there was a small thump as it was caught. Prowl sat up, moving so his legs could dangle off the berth he had previously been laying on, and looked at the mech standing in the doorway.

"Heya, Prowler," Jazz purred, leaning against the doorframe and tossing one of the 'pokeballs' that Wheeljack had up in the air again. "I choose you."

Prowl's doorwings twitched even as the Second in Command's battle computer processed that maybe he could come to enjoy the craziness that was Pokemon. Or at least some aspects of it.


	23. The Number You Have Dialed

**AN:** Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot**: Mikaela gets angry at Sam and throws a wrench at him. Sam complains while sitting at a lunch table with Miles, Will, Epps, and Bumblebee's holoform. Miles remarks that Mikaela just needs to 'get some'. Bumblebee decides to be helpful and help her get some. Too bad he's not that adapted to Earth yet.  
**Credit:** Idea taken from The Big Bang Theory.

* * *

**_The Number You Have Dialed_**

Sam sat at a table with Miles, Will, Epps, and Bumblebee's holoform, head pillowed in his arms as he pouted. Lunch time at the base was always crowded, and they were lucky to get a table to themselves.

"I still don't know why she had to go and throw a wrench at me!" Sam griped.

A nasty red bump was already forming where the wrench had connected after Mikaela had gotten pissed and tossed it at him. By that point they'd already been broken up at least two months, it being late July. Miles had found out sometime in June, when Mikaela had just decided to drop the proverbial bomb on her own so Sam wouldn't have to fret about lying to him anymore. They had been talking in the Medbay while Ratchet worked, and Sam had made a little comment about how she had really let herself go.

Later on he'd realize how bad it had sounded, but he hadn't meant it like that! As Ratchet's apprentice Mikaela had taken to wearing overalls and carrying around rags to clean off the random bits of grease, and other liquids no one could put a name to. Normally even with the messy job she somehow kept herself pristine, but on that day Bumblebee's vocalizer was being worked on and she had forgone cleaning to be there to watch. She'd had grease on her forehead, and that was what Sam had been talking about. How was he supposed to know that just that Thursday, at the mall with her friends, she'd spotted Trent and the jock had mocked her about really 'letting go' and putting on some weight?

"She just needs to get her some, dude." Miles said wisely, Epps nodding beside him with a grin.

"Get her some what?" Bumblebee asked curiously, before blinking in recognition. Human sayings still sometimes eluded him. Bumblebee thought about it, "Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse. The endorphins being released should certainly help her calm down."

Epps sighed dramatically, "I guess I'll take one for the team."

"You shut your mouth!" Will practically growled, kicking the Sergeant under the table.

"I suppose I'll take action," Bumblebee still looked thoughtful, turning around in his seat to focus on the male soldier sitting behind him. He tapped the man on the shoulder, getting him to turn around. "Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?"

"No…?" The man shook his head slightly, staring at Bumblebee in confusion. Bumblebee's databanks helpfully told him that the man's name was Graham, one of the British soldiers NEST had accepted.

"Would you like to be?"

As Bumblebee was turned around he didn't see Sam's head jerk up and his Charge stare at him in horror, the pure look of disbelief on Will's face, or the matching shit-eating grins on Epps' and Miles'. Graham gave Bumblebee's holoform a quick look over. Despite his extended stay on Earth, and the time just orbiting the planet listening in on radio waves to learn about it, Bumblebee still didn't get most of the taboos. Like someone younger with someone years older, unless it was pedophilia, because anyone who found a Sparkling or Youngling attracting was just wrong even on Cybertron, or the same gender taboo.

"Uh…" Graham shrugged with a wave of his hand, smiling. "Sure, why not?"

"Bee?" Sam choked out, touching the holoform's arm.

"Shush, I'm talking." Bumblebee chastised, brushing Sam off quickly before returning his attention to Graham. "Can I have your phone number?"

Graham gave Bumblebee another look over, this time taking a much longer look, and Bumblebee tilted his head in a curious manner. The holoform was clearly male, modeled off a celebrity who Bumblebee believed was called Alex Pettyfer, blonde hair and striking blue eyes, looking young enough to be just around Sam's age, but somehow older at the same time.

"Uh, sure." Graham grinned, pulling a pen out of his pocket and grabbing Bumblebee's hand, starting to write on it. "There, I'll catch you later."

Bumblebee nodded, giving a polite wave as the British soldier got up and threw the contents of his lunch tray away before leaving the mess hall. It was obvious Graham didn't know who Bumblebee was if he wrote the number on the holoform's hand instead of just saying it aloud so Bumblebee could memorize it, but that hardly mattered. He'd had a talk with Mikaela after she and Sam had broken up, and Graham certainly fit some of the things she had mentioned finding appealing in a mate. He turned around, smiling triumphantly and holding his hand up to show off the number.

"There, I got Mikaela someone!" Bumblebee said happily, before actually looking at the organics he was sitting with and frowning. "What, what is it?"

Epps was laughing so hard he was utterly silent, hands clutching at his stomach as he hunched over the table and tried desperately not to cry. Will had put his face in his hands as soon as Graham had grabbed Bumblebee's hand to write on it, giving up on the Autobots ever adapting to Earth culture as soon as he had seen it done. He was muttering something about Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Sam was still staring at Bumblebee in silent horror, mouth wide open.

Miles snorted, "Dumbass."

Bumblebee frowned, glancing at the number on his hand as if it could tell him what was wrong with the crazy organics.


	24. Bobby with an i

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.**  
****Given by:** _Second daughter of Eve_. Said music, and told me to run with that world. Music immediately means Jazz, so that means silliness!  
**Plot: **Jazz is surfing radio channels when a certain song comes on, giving him an Epps an idea. A cross dressing Epps? It's only natural his target is Sam with Will being a married man! (Song by Phil Vassar "Bobbi with an 'i'")

* * *

**_Bobby with an i_  
**

It was no secret that Jazz loved music. Hell, his Earth designation should have been a huge clue, seeing as it was a whole genre of music on it's own. When they came close enough to Earth to start picking up transmissions from the tiny mud-ball planet, more importantly transmissions with _music_ in them, Jazz had been ecstatic. He'd fallen in love with the thousands of music styles, yet to find one he hated, though he enjoyed some more than others.

Earth was definitely a planet he could kick back and relax on. Or would have been if Megatron hadn't gone and ripped him in half. Luckily enough Optimus had been able to use the piece of the Allspark cube taken from his fallen brother's chest to return Jazz's spark to his frame, a frame that Ratchet had carefully and meticulously put back together in preparation of the return.

It hadn't taken long for Jazz to get back in the swing of things, though Ratchet had been a bit irritated. After all, the Saboteur had been up and about, getting news on how the base was coming along and how the battle had went, within five hours of being brought back. But Jazz wasn't one to be kept down, and Ratchet understood that to some extent. Which was exactly why he suggested Jazz take on one of the organics as a Charge. If he had a human with him it would undoubtedly settle Jazz down just a bit. Instead of racing at insane speeds and ignoring all the human laws, he'd drive at what was comfortable for the human. If the human went for food then Jazz could grab an Energon cube. Or that's what Ratchet had been hoping, but Jazz had gotten Epps of all people.

Technical Sergeant Robert Epps, entitled to wear the scarlet beret of Air Force Special Operations Command, unofficially the Second In Command, when using Autobot terms, of the organic side of NEST. Some people, like Will, called Epps Bobby, while others called him Rob or Robert. Few actually called him what he preferred to be called, which was just Epps. Even Jazz, his Guardian, tended to call him Bobby. Jazz immediately became good friends with his Charge for various reasons, one being he loved some good music almost as much as Jazz.

Robert was an enigma, and Jazz just loved a good mystery. The man said he was jealous of Will with his wife and little girl, and yet he never settled down. He was good looking with a charming personality, if he wanted he could easily get a girl for more than a one night stand, or a week's fling, and yet he never did. Sometimes he reminded Jazz of himself, carefree and mischievous, wreaking humorous havoc wherever he went on the poor unfortunate souls lucky enough to be his friend. Other times he could be what his title was, a soldier, cold and hard, barking out orders or following them to a tee. And still, other times, Robert wanted nothing more than to relax with a good book. Those times were usually when he was alone, or it was just Jazz, since the Saboteur could easily entertain himself.

This was one of those times. The two were supposed to be on patrol, but as cactuses and tumbleweeds weren't exactly threatening to the base's security, Jazz had idled in a spot to watch the sunset while flipping through various radio channels. Robert was currently spread out in his front seat, back leaning against the driver's side door as his legs rested on the upholstery, enjoying some book by Charles Dickens. Jazz had seen him be teased for certain book choices like that before, though he never exactly got why. Organics were just odd, though it probably did explain why Robert reserved reading until he was on his own or it was just Jazz.

"…_in a Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere…_"

"Turn it," Robert muttered almost immediately, turning a page in his book without even bothering to look up.

Jazz agreed completely, changing the channel to something a little more country.

"…_how much you drink, he might look better than you think. If it's a big boned girl, with a platinum curl, hey then don't be surpriseeed. Well, that's just Bobbi with an I-i-i-i-i!_"

Robert looked up from his book, glancing down at the radio as the lyrics drifted out. Before he could even say anything Jazz was on the World Wide Web, going to youtube and immediately checking for the song. Once he found it he started to play the video for it, broadcasting it on his windshield so his Charge could watch.

"You thinkin' wha' Ah'm thinkin', _Bobby_?"

Robert smirked, "Great minds do think alike, Jazz."

* * *

It took Jazz a week to set up. He had to personally build the bar in a corner of the cafeteria, and then get permission from Ratchet to buy all the alcoholic drinks, before stocking the bar. Finally he emptied out the cafeteria, pushing tables to the side and decorating it, putting a disco ball on the ceiling and including a dj stand. Just above the bar he put up a sign saying 'girls drink for free'.

The hardest part was actually getting the organic soldiers, and what few civilians were on base, to actually go for it. Some had protested when they found out that they had to pay at least two dollars for a beer, more for other drinks depending, but Ratchet had unknowingly helped when he had told all of them, quite bluntly, that he was not in the mood to deal with any 'shit faced' organics. That stopped the complaining almost immediately, and Jazz even managed to wheedle Bee into letting Sam have a beer.

It was explained as a party, and luckily the mess hall had been built big enough for all the mechs on base, though it was still a depressingly small amount of four when Jazz didn't include himself. There was an Energon dispenser, and Jazz spent a few days making some high grade mixtures by adding in the oil found on the mud-ball planet. High grade meant that Ironhide and Ratchet was all for it, and Optimus would be there to enjoy everyone's and mech's happiness at it, calling it a morale booster. And he too enjoyed some good high grade every now and then. Bumblebee was there to party, just like Jazz, with Sam and Mikaela, though the Scout would refrain from any of the high grade.

The party was well underway by the time someone noticed Robert was missing. Will, Fig, a new soldier named Donnely, Mikaela, Sam, Maggie, and Glen were all gathered near each other. Several other NEST soldiers were out dancing on the dance floor. Optimus was sitting at a large table with a cube of the high grade, Ratchet talking to Secretary of Defense John Keller in a corner, while Ironhide was out on the floor with Bumblebee, the young Scout attempting to teach the Weapons Specialist how to break dance.

"Hey, where's Bobby?" Will asked, halfway to taking another long drag of his beer as he realized that his best friend was missing. A chorus of shrugs greeted his question, and Jazz subtly turned the song.

"_Well Bobbi's been a friend, since I can't remember when we all went together to school. A linebacker, a quarterback sacker, yeah Bobbi he's as strong as a mule._"

The music drifted out to Robert, waiting in the hall patiently for his cue. He sauntered inside the mess hall, Optimus the first to notice him, optics widening in shock as he took in the soldier. Robert walked right past Secretary Keller and Ratchet, giving the Secretary a saucy wave and a wink as he continued on his way. Keller's mouth dropped open in surprise, and Ratchet looked at the cube of high grade in his servo, optics shuttering in puzzlement as he clearly wondered if he'd already had too much.

Robert walked up to the small group of organics, hips swaying, ending up right behind Sam. Will glanced behind Sam at the movement, staring at his Sergeant in disbelief. Mikaela and Maggie quickly noticed as well, starting to giggle silently, which drew Glen's attention. Glen stared in horror, Fig and Donnely looking over in confusion. Only Sam remained oblivious, happily chatting away. Robert tapped the boy on his shoulder, smirking.

"_So imagine our shock, 'bout ten o'clock down at the Whistle Stop one weekend… Yeah, the whole place stopped, you coulda heard a chin drop, the minute he walked in!_"

"Hello, Samuel." Robert practically purred as Sam turned around, eyes widening at the sight of the older male. "You look absolutely delicious tonight."

"_He isn't just one of the guyyyys! In his pink party dress, you never would guess, he benches 335! You better watch how much you driiink, he might look better than you thiiink… If it's a big boned girl, with a platinum curl, hey, then don't be surprised… Yeah, that's just Bobbi with an i-i-i-i-i-i-i!_"

Robert had decided to stick to the lyrics of the song, a blonde wig set firmly on his head, curls spilling over his shoulder and framing his face almost perfectly. Given his skin tone it just made the unusual hair color look exotic on him. Jazz had helped put on fake lashes, oversized to make batting his eyes look flirty and cute at the same time. The only makeup he had allowed was some type of lip gloss that was supposed to make his lips look fuller, adding just a smidgen of color.

Besides that, the only real preparation Robert has done was shave his face, and any other places on his body that a girl would keep down to wear such a dress as the one he bought. Ever faithful to the song, he picked out a pink party dress. Strapless and almost a bit too tight in some places, shorter than he would have liked, as it lead Jazz to compliment him on his 'great aft'. Of course there were heels to match, though he had drawn the line at a clutch purse.

Both he and Jazz had immediately agreed that his target would be Sam. Thank God Mikala had broken up with him by that point, because surprisingly enough it was Mikaela who was the possessive and jealous one, though it wasn't like Sam complained for the short time they were together.

"I-I," Sam sputtered for a moment, looking Robert up and done without realizing that this was a mistake.

Robert smirked, twirling a curl around his finger and batting his lashes. "Like what you see, cutie?"

"_Now, Monday mornin' he'll be drivin' that tow truck, and he ain't takin' no lip. He's been known to knock a few teeth out, if you ask him for a beauty tip! So we live and let live, that's how it is nobody gives a second thought these days… But if somebody hollers, 'hey there's a chick in the men's room!', we just smile and say, 'no that's just Bobbi with an Iiii!'._"

"Epps?" Sam finally managed to squeak.

"That's my name, cutie! Go ahead and wear it out if you want," Robert waggled his eyebrows at Sam.

Will snorted, "Why the hell are you dressed like that?"

Robert gestured over to the bar, where the sign 'girls drink for free' was located. He then latched on to Sam's arm, hugging it close to himself as he got well into the poor teen's personal space, putting on a girly giggle.

"Let's dance, cutie!" Robert giggled again for effect, pecking Sam on the cheek.

There was a yelp as Sam was literally dragged on to the dance floor by Robert, an easy feat since Sam was so light and was still too shocked to really put up a fight even as his face started to go bright red. That's when Ironhide noticed him, an audible 'dear Primus' being growled, while Bumblebee shuttered his optics before starting to laugh at his Charge. Much to Sam's chagrin, that wouldn't be the last time he met 'Bobbi'.

"_Hey, (hey), who's that girl, (who's that girl?), with those shapely sexy thighs? That's just Bobbie with an i!_"


	25. Iron Bumblebee

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Given by: **_Mikaela the Cat_... kinda. Right now it's the closest to 'camping', and it does have Ironhide, Bumblebee, Sam, and Will!  
**Plot:** An unknown Cybertronian lands in the forests of Maine, and the 'bots, Will, Epps, Mikaela, and Sam go to check it out. Will should have never shown Bumblebee and them Iron Giant.  
**Credit: **Iron Giant!

* * *

**_Iron Bumblebee_**

Will was annoyed, trying to rub two sticks together to make a stupid fire. He knew perfectly well what had lead up to _this_ situation, but he still had no idea how a situation like this had come about.

It was all Robert's fault, of that he was sure. A Cybertronian had landed somewhere in one of the many forests of Maine, so the 'bots were going to check if it was one of their own or a Decepticon. Robert and Will needed brought along because they were the ones who carried all the paperwork that may be needed if a situation arose.

Originally it was only supposed to be Optimus Prime, Ratchet, and Ironhide, given Bumblebee's mission to stay with Sam and be his Guardian, but Bumblebee had wanted to come along just as much, and had been trying to trade places with Ironhide. However Ironhide had taken on Will as a Charge, and the two Lennox femmes through him, and didn't want to be left behind because of Will and because _he_ wanted to go. It was only natural that Optimus would go, as leader, and Ratchet, because he was the medic. So before the fight between Ironhide and Bumblebee could get too serious, Robert suggested that Sam just come along, and that he'd personally keep an eye on the teen. And if Sam got to come there was no way they could stop Mikaela from tagging along.

Which brought him to his current situation. They had set up camp near a lake, about three miles safely away from any town so the 'bots could transform without worry. Bumblebee had been left behind, much to his chagrin, to keep the humans company and watch in case it was a 'con and slipped past Optimus and the others. The sun was setting and Will was trying to get a fire started almost eleven feet away from the lake. He could have done it the easy way, with a lighter and some gasoline, but Mikaela was watching, and he decided he should try to teach her how to do it if she only had what nature gave her at her disposal. It was also why this fire was so close to the lake, he'd never been very good at making big natural fires, and had planes to make the actual one after showing Mikaela. Bumblebee just happened to be watching too, and Epps stood by Mikaela grinning down at Will, just because he knew his Captain hated fire duty.

"Hey, Epps, watch this!" Sam hollered.

Will could hear Sam start to run, but he didn't bother to look up, because he noticed blue optics flick up to focus on their Charge before he had to, and a few seconds later there was a splash. Will could already guess what had happened. There was a small outcropping of rocks about five feet from the water, and even he had to admit it was almost a perfect diving board to run up on and then dive off of into the water. Most likely someone had moved the rocks and put them that way, giving Sam the perfect opportunity to do a cannonball into the lake. Will just hoped the boy had bothered to take off his shirt and get his phone out of his pocket.

Robert snickered, waiting until Sam resurfaced to answer the boy. "I'd give it a five at best."

"A _five_?" Sam yelped in disbelief, "Let's see you do better!"

"Fine!"

Robert backed up a bit, slipping off his shoes, socks, pants, and shirt. Will wasn't too surprised by it, but Mikaela gave the Sergeant a sideways glance and stepped closer to Will instead. Bumblebee gave a small warble and walked off into the forest, Mikaela looking after the Scout in surprise and Will glancing up from his poor attempts at starting the fire to do the same. There was a splash behind him, Robert had jumped in, and Sam started to laugh.

"Ohhh, belly flop!"

Will looked at Mikaela, catching her gaze and rolling his eyes, making her grin at him. He grinned back for a second before resuming his task, leaning in closer as the first few tendrils of smoke drifted up from his pile of sticks and leaves. He heard heavy ped falls, but he didn't pay them any attention. It was foolish and could be dangerous, but even he was a lot more relaxed knowing the 'bots were around to protect them. Bumblebee was nearby, there was no way a strange Cybertronian could slip by him, the Scout was too good. That meant it was either Bumblebee running, Optimus walking normally, or Ironhide and Ratchet trying to walk in sync again, and it was most likely the latter if the 'bots were returning, Optimus careful to quite his steps for organics.

It would explain why Bumblebee had walked off, the 'bots returning. But it didn't explain why Mikaela started to back away from him, towards the woods where the sound was coming from, after looking into said woods. She was moving closer to the source, just another thing to tell him there was no danger, letting him focus intently on the little flames licking up the twigs and eating the leaves, blowing on them to help them breathe.

The sounds got much, much louder, the ground itself seeming to shake, and Will froze. Within seconds a yellow blurr darted by, same shade as the paint on Bumblebee's frame, and Will followed the yellow streak, eyes widening as Bumblebee launched himself into the air… and did a cannon ball into the lake. Will gaped as he watched the splash from the cannonball arch high in the air, followed by the formation of the huge wave that rolled out, smacking into him and knocking him on his ass since he'd already been in a hunched over position for the fire.

There was nothing but silence for a moment, Robert now lying on the sandy area just beside the lake as he had been washed out, Will on his ass, Mikaela standing in the tree line trying not to laugh, and Bumblebee sitting in the middle, looking around in the water because Sam had disappeared during the wave. The teen finally resurfaced, coughing as Bumblebee moved a servo under him, lifting him out of the water.

Sam caught his breath before starting to laugh his ass off, "That was great!"

"Definitely a 50 on a 1-10 scale!" Robert sat up, snickering as Mikaela moved closer, Bumblebee warbling happily at his score.

Will looked to where his little fire had been, completely drenched and torn apart. He stood up and moved closer with Mikaela, crossing his arms as his clothes and hair dripped water, glaring up at the Scout. Bumblebee caught the glare, shuttering his optics.

"_I think that's enough fun for one day_."

Bumblebee played the soundclip of Dean from the Iron Giant, making Will growl. It had been his idea to show that movie to the 'bots on movie night, wondering if maybe someone had based it off Megatron. The Giant in that movie must have been Bumblebee's inspiration for his cannonball.

* * *

"Please explain to me just how you managed to _dent_ your _aft_ while watching four organics!"

"…The lake wasn't as deep as it looked."

"Don't look deep at all now, fat aft."

Bumblebee glared weakly at Ironhide from his position on the ground, Ratchet snarling as he worked on undenting him. The only reason the CMO was being kind enough to do so was because Bumblebee would have trouble transforming into his alt mode if he didn't, and the Scout was thoroughly embarrassed what with Sam and Epps laughing their asses off a few feet away, and Will standing by Ironhide's ped with a smug expression, drying his shirt over a fire.


	26. Youtube

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** It's girls night and they're on youtube. They find a show called my strange addiction...  
**Credit:** Taken from an episode o My Strange Addiction on youtube, the talk in italics is from the show. www. youtube watch? v =ONBG IMrlSjw&feature =related (remove spaces)

* * *

**_Youtube_**

Mikaela Banes was no longer a teenage girl, but that didn't mean she couldn't get her kicks gossiping with the girls. Judy Lennox and Maggie Madsen were heaven sent on a base predominantly made up of male soldiers, and then alien life forms that identified as male, though it had been explained time and time again that Cybertronians didn't have genders.

Tonight was a Saturday night, _their_ Saturday night. They always took up the rec-room for it, everybody and mech else kicked out. It was widely accepted at the base that no one tried to get in on girls night. Robert Epps had done it just once and had refused to ride in any of the 'bots since unless it was an emergency. Mikaela, Maggie, and Judy used their night to just joke around, poke fun at the soldiers, themselves, the 'bots, the 'cons, relax, and anything else they wanted. One topic favorite was humans and Cybertronians getting it on, and although Sam and Mikaela were happily married, Sam was often the unknowing victim of these talks.

Had he or Bumblebee ever known just how detailed these talks sometimes got, all three girls were fairly certain Bumblebee would have just grabbed his Charge and gone on the longest vacation in the existence of ever, which would only add fuel to the fire, but would get them both far, far away.

When Mikaela walked in, having sent Sam off with a kiss and Bumblebee a wave, Maggie and Sarah had been crowded around Maggie's laptop, giggling over a youtube video. Mikaela instantly pulled up a chair, reading the title briefly. _My Strange Addiction_, from that title alone she knew whatever it was was going to be good. Maggie barely glanced over before she restarted the video so Mikaela could see what was going on.

"_I'm addicted to my car… It was love at first sight._"  
"_…find this part of him the most sexy, just 'cuz of the subtle lines and curves. I'll give him a kiss here, and just kind of caress him down the side._"  
"_We have our times when we get sexual. What we do the most often is I like to lean over his fender and across his hood… and kind of press up against him and just rub against him._"

Mikaela couldn't hold in her laughter anymore, it was just too perfect.

* * *

"Sam…" Bumblebee started only to trail off, shifting nervously on his shocks.

Since Mikaela was spending time with the girls, Sam thought it would be the perfect time to wash his Guardian. Sam thought it was nice being able to do something for the 'bot who'd saved his life and become a close friend, and Bumblebee appreciated because humans could get hard to reach places and it felt like a nice massage if done right. It had been too hot during the day, and though it was stifling at night in the outdoors, Sam just took his shirt off and donned some shorts, getting out the hose, buckets, sponges, clothes, special car wash, and wax.

Except ten minutes in they weren't alone anymore. Mikaela, Maggie, and Sarah had wandered out of the rec-room, coming to find Sam washing Bumblebee on the still hot tarmac. All three women were watching the show, whispering and giggling to themselves, and all of them had a drink in their hand.

The women thought Sam and Bumblebee had no idea what they talked about, but Robert wasn't known for keeping his mouth shut. It had surprisingly freaked out Bumblebee more than Sam, the boy happy as long as he didn't have to hear them and it satisfied his wife's desires to obsess over crazy things. He'd known from the start how incredibly sexual things could be taken with the Cybertronians, just riding inside of them could be embarrassing at first given the right frame of mind.

"Yeah, Bee?" Sam asked, trying to ignore the three giggling girls.

"They have those leers on…" Bumblebee trailed off again, only this time to keep the whine out of his voice. "The same ones they had when we came to retrieve Bobby from his time with them, and he freaked out after getting inside of me."

"I know, buddy. Just try to ignore them."

Bumblebee tried to listen to his Charge, trying to relax into the gentle ministrations, but that was extremely hard to do when he picked up all three women staring so intently. It wasn't until Sam leaned half way over his hood, nearly sprawled out on it because he was too lazy to walk around to reach the other side, that the women paused in their talk, watching. Then they let out a few catcalls and wolf whistles, and Bumblebee had had enough. He got out his holoform and grabbed Sam from behind, ignoring the startled squeak and just picking the boy up, practically tossing him inside the driver's seat before driving off.

Sam was too stunned to talk for a minute, sitting up and tossing a sour look at the radio. "Don't you think you're overreacting?"

"You didn't see the looks on their faces, Sam!"

"Bee, it's going to be worse now that you threw me inside of you and raced off." Sam pointed out gently, raising an eyebrow.

"Primus save me…"


	27. Praxian mating and Bobby

**AN:**Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** When Megatron killed Jazz it destroyed the bond between Prowl and the Saboteur. Now Jazz is back and Prowl is determined to court him again, and this includes the old tradition of cute and shiny things. So why is Epps the one finding cute/shiny things for Prowl to give to Jazz?  
**Annoyed Guest: **Meant to put "_Sam just took his shirt off and donned some shorts_"! Thanks for pointing out the mistake, went back and fixed it. Hopefully that clears up your confusion! And yes, I do desperately need to go back and edit what I write, and I do re-read what I write, I just end up unable to actually focus and still miss a lot, but what I do catch I fix. It's a terrible habit of mine not to do it, one I need to fix. Hopefully this chapter should soothe some of that irritation; I've checked it like five times.

* * *

_**Praxian mating and Bobby**_

"I thought Prowl didn't like humans?" Miles asked, tossing a sideways glance at the sulking Autobot Scout beside him.

The teen was currently outside in the hot sun with Sideswipe, Ironhide, and Bumblebee. Bumblebee sat with his helm in his servos, radiating an air of pouting child. Ironhide was cleaning one of his cannons and Sideswipe was sipping at a cube of Energon, bored out of his processor. Mikaela and Ratchet were in the Medbay together getting angry, Will had long since run off, Optimus was in hiding, and Epps was in his office humming happily as he worked without distraction. Sam and Sunstreaker were both being held captive, leaving Bumblebee sulking and Sideswipe bored.

"He doesn't. Sam's for Jazz."

"Right… and why exactly did he kidnap Sam for Jazz?"

Bumblebee chirred in a distressed manner, "Megatron ripping Jazz in half and his spark extinguishing destroyed their bond. Prowl is going through courting him again."

"And that involves kidnapping Sam?"

"Jazz called him cute. Praxians give things their intended see as cute and then shiny things, too. Mainly the things their intended shows interest in, and I never did quite understand why the shiny, I guess perhaps for show."

"And now Sam has to be stuck with them while they interface?"

"It's the only way Jazz can get Prowl to let Sam go. Interfacing is a sign of appreciating the gift, but appreciating their bonded thinking of them even more to the point the gift is not needed."

"Oh, so that's why Sunstreaker's still in there?"

Sideswipe snickered into his cube of Energon, "I told him not to go for the spotless sheen because Prowl was on the mating warpath, but did he listen? No. This is the second time it's happened. He's pissed, I can feel it."

"Huh…" Miles trailed off. He was doing his best to understand the situation, he really was, but the Autobots just kept getting weirder and weirder. The normally stoic and rule bound SIC kidnapping Sam, who was admittedly dressed as a cute bunny because of a lost bet with Epps? Definitely not the norm. Now there's the whole thing about Praxian mating traditions, like that was supposed to make him feel any better about the desperate, pleading texts his best friend was sending him requesting to be saved. "Do you think Epps is in cohorts with him?"

"Why would Bobby be helping Prowl find things to give to Jazz?" Sideswipe asked, optic ridge rising as Bumblebee chirruped in confusion.

"He's the one that gave Ratch that wax which encouraged him to make all of his wrenches bright and shiny, he's the one who accidentally dumped that bag of glitter on Mikaela, asked Will to carry the disco ball, gave Sideswipe the same wax Ratchet tossed out to give to Sunstreaker, and got Sam to dress as a bunny." Miles said, ticking each incident off on his fingers to count them. "_And _this was after Mikaela called him old, Sam nearly shot him in the ass on accident, Ratchet put him on a strict diet of just fruit and vegetables, Sunstreaker nearly stepped on him, and Will gave him all that extra paperwork to do so he could skip out and visit his daughter and wife."

Both Sideswipe and Bumblebee shuttered their optics in surprise, before Ironhide finally spoke up. "We'll have to add a new rule to the rule book, now. Never piss off Bobby when he has the perfect way of slagging you, _especially_ when Prowl is hot and bothered."


	28. Bees and Rain

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings.  
**Plot:** Acid rain can eat through Cybertronian metal, and while Bumblebee has been lucky enough to avoid experiencing the painful liquid, he's still weary of Earth's rain. Sam tries to get him past that.

* * *

**_Bees and Rain_**

Bumblebee couldn't quite get used to Earth's unusual weather, happy that Nevada stayed mostly warm and rain was the most extreme he generally had to worry about. Back on Cybertron it had never rained, and on the various planets they'd visited besides Earth in their search of the Allspark… well they'd lost quite a few mechs. Several planets in one solar system had acid rain, similar to cosmic rust in a way, eating away at their metal at a fast rate. Bumblebee had never personally experienced it, something he was thankful for, but he'd seen the death list, seen the mechs who came back still alive but barely.

It was why he was currently hiding away in the Witwicky garage, sulking low on his shocks with the door up so he could view the outside world. It was a light drizzle, the sun managing to shine through some of the lighter layers of cloud that passed over it, or peeking out between the gaps of the inconsistent rain clouds, but Bumblebee was still cautious. He'd checked the forecast, it was due to get worse, and he could already see the bigger storm clouds rolling in. He knew it wouldn't do a thing, and yet…

He wasn't surprised when Sam came out of the house, readily walking in the light drizzle and through the wet yard in his bare feet, completely ignoring the path. Nor was he surprised when his Charge came to a stop just outside the garage door, hands on his hips and a frown on his face, a very Judy-like position, though Bumblebee would rather be offlined before ever admitting that. Sam posed absolutely no threat to him, but if he got going it could be terrifying to see the boy's anger. There was just something about an organic who wasn't scared of you in the least, it made you realize that despite their small size they could dish out revenge like the best of them.

"I know bees hate rain, but it's barely raining at all."

"Weather forecast says it's going to get wo-" A loud clap of thunder interrupted Bumblebee, startling the mech badly enough that he jumped lightly on his shocks.

Sam raised an eyebrow in amusement, "Don't bat an optic when facing down the Hatchet, and yet you're scared of a little thunder. That's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?"

Bumblebee didn't respond, preferring to sulk low on his shocks. Sam looked at him thoughtfully.

"Just think, Bee, without storms the Earth wouldn't be anything like this. Nevada isn't the best example of luscious and green beauty, but just look at my parent's garden. It needs the water to grow; our entire planet needs it to do so. And do you remember Ironhide flipping out the first time he got caught in the rain? Will nearly killed him."

Bumblebee could remember that incident very clearly. Ironhide hadn't really cared to learn that much about Earth, despite Optimus' orders, and no one had bothered to warn him that the rain was okay. It was no wonder that Ironhide would be terrified of it after being on a planet with acid rain and having to deal with it, but it had been his fault for ignoring Optimus' order to learn more about Earth and it's inhabitants.

They'd all been out to meet up at the look out so Optimus could send another message into space when it had started raining. Unfortunately for Will he had been laying right on Ironhide's hood, and as soon as it started raining all Ironhide could think about was getting to shelter. The Weapons Specialist had panicked, reversing so fast that he was half way down the hill before anyone or mech could understand why Will was suddenly on the ground cursing up a storm. Not only had the soldier been pissed at Ironhide, but Ratchet had been absolutely furious, seeing as he could have seriously hurt Will.

The next storm Ironhide had been tied down outside and left there for four hours as it poured. Even Optimus had ignored Ironhide's angry howls, and even Will had joined in when Epps had pointed and laughed.

Okay, so maybe the rain wasn't _that_ bad. Especially since it was exactly like Sam said, the water was what made the planet thrive. It was what made Sam thrive. And after a long drive in the desert when he was dusty and had grains of dirt in uncomfortable places, it was even better than Sam washing him by hand.

"Mom used to tell me that whenever a ray of sun came through and shone down on the ground it meant and angel was coming down to Earth to visit someone," Sam told him, grinning.

Bumblebee watched as the teen went and stood in the shaft of light, grinning at him all the while. But then Sam was distracted by the door opening, Mojo being let out and the hyperactive Chihuahua immediately going straight for the teen, tail wagging and yipping madly. Sam laughed, bending to catch the canine mid-leap. And for a moment, while the teen whirled with the happy dog in his arms, Bumblebee could almost see the sense of what Judy had used to say. Or maybe Sam just looked good in that lighting.


	29. Upgrade

**AN: **Review or PM me any ideas you might have. No guarantees I'll do it, but if I like it enough then I probably will! Can include pairings. (School time again, more infrequent updates, and didn't check for mistakes, so might be a few more than usual!)  
**Plot:** Bumblebee can't quite manage to get clothes on his holoform, needing an upgrade. Turns out he isn't the only one.

* * *

**_Upgrade_**

"So…" Mikaela tapped a manicured fingernail to her chin in thought of what to say, "That went as well as I would have expected."

Sam groaned loudly, head thunking onto the wooden picnic bench that he and his girlfriend were currently sitting at. Mikaela hid a grin, rubbing his back in gentle, soothing, circular motions. She fanned herself a bit, glancing up at the still rising sun and deciding that it was only going to get hotter, unfortunately. She really hoped Bumblebee would hurry up, or Sam would come around enough so that they could go find some shade.

"It's really not that bad," Mikaela cooed, hand slipping off Sam's back when he sat up suddenly and glared at her.

"Oh, yes, it's not that bad." Sam retorted mockingly, "Because having Bee meet Miles was a fucking wonderful idea."

Mikaela couldn't help it, she snickered. "Alien penis."

"You know what? I hate you. My life sucks. I'm going to go commit Sudoku."

"That's _seppuku, _Sam. And keep talking like that and I'll call Ratchet and tell him you're sick."

"You wouldn't!"

"I would."

"He's worse than Bumblebee!"

"Which is hard to believe, considering…" Mikaela trailed off at Sam's expression, deciding to go for a somewhat safer topic. "I never knew Miles could run that fast."

"I didn't either. Guess he turns into the flash when a strange naked man starts running after him, demanding to take care of his booboos."

Mikaela giggled again, trying desperately to not break down in full blown laughter. Again. It really had been rather unfortunate; Miles just hadn't quite taken to Bumblebee's holoform…

All of the Autobots, and the Decepticons, had a holoform, hologram, or what some had taken to calling as AI's, short for Artificial Intelligences. Hologram was the most simplistic, just the projection of a human to get stuff down. Both holoforms and AI's, the same thing term wise, and were a lot more real. It not only allowed the user of it to experience sensations as a human, but to feel real and human to other humans, even able to move stuff in the world around it.

Bumblebee had made his holoform a male, and an extremely realistic, as Sam and Mikaela quickly found out his first use of it. For some reason Bumblebee could make the holoform body itself perfectly, but never managed to get the hang of clothes, though if it were a hologram it would appear clothed. Ratchet explained that the mech needed an upgrade to do an additional layer on top of the layers he already had, but had never gotten around to upgrading him. It didn't trouble them much, anymore. Sam didn't mind seeing man bits, and Mikaela only needed to look above waist height to be comfortable.

After about a month of learning everything that could hurt humans and all the dangers of the world around them that could get to them through the smallest cut, Bumblebee had started breaking down into what Sam took to calling as his drastic mother hen mode.

The first time it had happened was when Sam had managed to dislocate his shoulder swinging down from a tree, and Bumblebee had _flipped_. In the face of the normally calm and rational Autobot freaking out Sam had forgotten all his pain, instead patting the Autobot on the face with his good arm and telling him it was okay. The second time had been something Bumblebee himself could manage, though where exactly the mech had gotten the first aid kit neither Sam nor Mikaela was quite sure, but Mikaela's injured thumb had promptly been bandaged with a Hello Kitty Band-Aid.

Sam, after three months of trying to keep the fact that his car was sentient, with minimal help from Bumblebee, a secret from his best friend, had decided enough was enough and that they would tell Miles. Bumblebee had agreed readily, more than happy to finally 'meet' Miles. So they planned it out in a relatively secluded picnic area along a rarely traveled upon hiking trail, where Bumblebee could transform and show Miles the truth. Though Miles had claimed it sounded slightly shady and sounded like the two were planning on killing him, he had agreed too. The blonde had known something big had happened, but out of respect, and firsthand experience with Sam's own brand of breakdowns, he had never asked for an explanation.

They had met Miles already out there, and as Miles walked towards them the blonde had tripped, somehow more graceful in trees than on ground, slamming his head off the picnic table. Sam had gaped, and worry for his friend had made him forget about mother hen Bumblebee, because really, Bumblebee only acted that way towards Sam and Mikaela, his charges, not Epps when he had fractured his wrist trying to arm wrestle Ironhide's holoform. Bumblebee had just neglected to mention that as Miles was underage and so similar to Sam, his protocols had immediately claimed the teen as a charge as well, one reason he was so eager to 'meet' him.

Bumblebee had brought out his holoform immediately, and things had gone downhill from there, as he had beaten Sam to getting out of his bipedal mode and going to the teen, even though Sam and Mikaela had already been out of the mech. Miles had been a lot less concerned with his injury when he had spotted the naked guy apparently coming straight for him. Fortunately for them, Bumblebee had it so whenever he went to his holoform he went into a mild recharge in his alt mode, or bipedal mode, so he could focus completely on the simulation, because the only thing that could make the situation worse was Bumblebee picking that moment to transform and go after the teen.

Unfortunately Miles had reacted as most normal humans would in response to seeing a naked stranger run towards you saying something about taking care of your wounds, he'd screamed something along the lines of 'naked', 'penis', 'dear God', and gotten the hell out of dodge. Bumblebee had worriedly given chase, and Mikaela and Sam had yet to see or hear from the two. It was slightly amazing that, for a supposedly advanced race, how stupid Bumblebee could be sometimes.

* * *

An hour later and things had calmed down slightly. Sam had eventually had enough and yelled at Bumblebee's bipedal mode, knowing the mech could hear him. This led to Miles 'losing' the stranger, and Bumblebee, Mikaela, and Sam, after both teens had explained to Bumblebee his mistake; agreeing that Miles could wait a bit longer to find out about him.

"Are you sure you're okay, buddy?" Sam asked for the seventh time, glancing over at an unusually still Miles. Mikaela was in the front seat, pretending to drive. "That must have been pretty startling. I didn't even see where he came from. I would have been scared."

"Nah, it's okay. I mean, yeah, it was scary, but that's not the first time it happened, so..." Miles trailed off and shrugged, putting on a grin.

Mikaela glanced in the rearview mirror, "Not the _first_ time? You get chased by naked people often?"

"Just once before…" Miles looked oddly resigned to the fact that naked people seemed to be popping up around him now, "I was taking Mason for a walk and he peed on this shit piece police car. The hobo living in it came out and chased me. It was probably a fake, though. Had _To Punish and Enslave_ engraved on the side."

Sam choked, and Mikaela had to bite her lip to keep from laughing, Bumblebee's engine giving a surprised rev. Apparently the Scout wasn't the only one needing an upgrade.


	30. Purple

**Plot:** Sideswipe is new to Earth and wants to know how human babies are made, so he asks Epps. To bad it's ass o'clock in the morning, Epps has been up for three nights now, and it's _Epps._ The Sergeant comes to regret his response the next morning.

* * *

**_Purple_**

"How do humans make babies?" Sideswipe asked, and Epps choked on his coffee, looking at the mech in shock.

He hadn't even heard the grey mech come in, but that could be due to the fact it was two hours before the crack of dawn and he'd already gone two nights without sleep for reasons he hadn't really cared about at the time, not knowing he'd get paperwork dumped on him. Paperwork he actually had to do for once, and couldn't put off like he normally might.

The coffee burned, the evil concoction of whatever NEST budget let them buy, something not even Epps would give to Simmons to drink, with so many sugar packets in it that Ratchet would have a spark attack. And some of it got on the paper Epps had to sign, the Sergeant cussing loudly and trying to wipe it off, only managing to smear it more instead. Robert groaned, picking the page up delicately and shaking it in the air to try and dry it off. Sideswipe watched him with, not well enough hidden, amusement.

"Look it up on the internet, dammit!"

"Ratchet has removed my World Wide Web access," Sideswipe said, tone taking on the same pitch and whine an unhappy seven year old's might. "And do not ask, Ratchet has warned that if I tell anyone he will offline myself and the other person."

"Right…" Epps really could see Ratchet threatening, and doing that. The Sergeant glanced at his watch, and decided it was way too damn early to be giving a big killer robot the birds and the bees talk. "You know how you guys have the Allspark that makes sparks for you? Instead of a metal cube we have the stork, and her helper, Isis, which is basically a purple man."

"Purple man?" Sideswipe repeated skeptically.

"Sideswipe, I do believe you have heard the Flying Purple People Eater song, have you not? It is a common mistake for you ignorant robots to assume that the Flying People Eater is purple, but no, the people he is eating is purple, because he is hell bent on the destruction of mankind." Robert kept his face grave, and tone serious.

"I have, yeah… during that thing called 'Halloween'. And I think I've heard of the purple Isis before…"

Epps was lucky Sideswipe was so new to NEST and still fairly gullible when it came to humans. The mech took his words and accepted them, walking away to leave him to his work, something the Sergeant was very grateful for. The mech was now grumbling to himself about strange humans, so Epps yelled about strange robots using a fucking cube to make babies, and that shut the front-liner up fairly quickly.

* * *

Robert could barely believe his tired eyes. Keller had come in for another reason, and some soldiers had been waiting for the Secretary of Defense on some of the roofs, pouring paint on to him from above and then running before they could be spotted. John walked into the meeting room, where Sam, Mikaela, Will, Epps, Optimus, Sideswipe, and Ratchet waited, being met by laughter from the two men, a tired snicker from Epps, and a small look of disgust from Mikaela.

Catching the look, the older man smirked, walking towards Mikaela and spreading his arms wide in the world round gesture of giving a hug. Mikaela didn't have room to escape, and Keller wrapped her up in his arms, making sure to get as much of the still wet paint as possible on to her as well. It wasn't until Sideswipe leaned closer, too close for comfort in fact, that Robert realized something.

The paint was purple. _Shit_, was the only thing that Robert could think, because Sideswipe was so new that he hadn't met the Secretary of Defense yet.

"Oh, you have come to impregnate Mikaela, then?" Sideswipe asked curiously.

"_Excuse me?_" Mikaela squeaked.

Sam gaped, "What the hell?"

"Well, John," Will said dryly, "Didn't know you liked 'em that young."

Keller's mouth opened and closed several times, before deciding on closed. Robert put his head in his hands, now regretting his decision to not take the time to explain sex to Sideswipe. It seemed he would be paying for it. Mikaela would not take this lightly, and Keller was unlikely to as well.

"I'll make two suggestions before going and putting myself in the brig." Epps peaked from between his hands, Mikaela's angered stare flying towards him, and John's carefully guarded purple one joining hers. "Sex ed for the new arrivals because I'm too lazy to explain it right, and add pillows to the brig, cuz my neck's starting to get a bad kink from being in there too long."

And with that Epps walked out of the meeting room, luckily missing Sideswipe carefully poking John and realizing that he now had the purple paint on him, and _oh Primus_, did that mean he was pregnant with a human baby? And it was a good thing he missed that too, because both Will and Ratchet were ready to kill him over Sideswipe's ensuing freak-out.


	31. Deleted Incident Reports

**Prompt: **A few NEST reports that met the shredder long before anyone outside of base could see them.

* * *

_**Deleted Incident Reports**_

"Hey, Will?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"You realize it's Halloween, right?"

"Of course. Why else would I be dressed up as Superman? Not to mention the giant bowl of candy."

"Did you tell Ironhide about it?"

"Did I tell Ironhide about it?" A snort. "You think I wouldn't tell a trigger happy, paranoid from war, robot from outer space about the human costume of dressing up in weird costumes and going from house to house to get candy, or perform tricks leg egging, toilet papering, corning, smashing pumpkins, and the like?"

"So that's a no, then."

"…" Will took out his phone and pressed one, "Ratch? Know what Halloween is? Can you comm Hide and tell him real qui-" A few shrieks made Will cut himself off, and groan. "Need damage control. Now."

* * *

"So, let me get this straight…" Robert said slowly, "You guys can get drunk."

"Yes, off of high grade Energon." Ratchet appeared thoughtful, "Quite similar to your alcohol, I suppose."

"Horrible judgment included as the main ingredient, then?"

"….Unfortunately."

Both turned to look at the two mechs currently drunk, using a now dented and mangled beyond repair non-sentient car as a prop to get it on. Neither the Medic or the Sergeant were sure who was going to be more pissed, Galloway for having his car destroyed or Will when he realized they'd have to pay for it.

* * *

"Robert, who is this Santa that everyone is so excited about?"

"Good ol' Saint Nick? He's this guy that comes around on December 25th, Christmas, and goes down chimneys to give people presents and put shit in stockings if they're good. But if they're bad… Well, no one likes what happens then."

_A few hours later_

Robert groaned as his phone went off, reaching over and fumbling for it on the nightstand. Unlike his Captain, who was calling if the Star Trek ringtone was right, he hadn't asked for Christmas leave from NEST as he had no real interest in dealing with the holiday drama visiting his parents brought around.

"What the fuck do you want, Lennox?" He finally growled as he picked up the phone and answered, checking the time. "I need to sleep so Santa'll come."

"_Ironhide is on my roof yelling about a man named Nickolas planning to break into my house, leave excrement in the stockings, and other such things. He says he will not come down until he has made sure that this Nickolas never things about breaking into his Charge's house again._"

Robert closed his eyes, "Merry Christmas?"

"_**I'm going to ki-**_" Robert hung up before the pissed off Captain could finish, turning his phone off for good measure. Merry Christmas indeed.

* * *

_It's mistletoe, we hang it over the doors and people who meet in the doorway where it's hanging have to kiss._ Ratchet remembered Will's explanation of the little green plant now hanging in the doorway of his Medbay quite clearly, one of the few holiday decorations he didn't mind too much.

Until now. He had just innocently activated his holoform, planning to get a box from out in the hall, when Simmons had walked in, bumping into the human. Ratchet stared at the ex-sector seven agent who still seemed to be trying to make the Autobots' stay on Earth a living hell with some disdain, knowing what was right above him. He thought about ignoring it, but humans generally took their customs so seriously…. Even Sam had laughed and kissed Keller when the two had run into each other under the cafeteria mistletoe.

The Medic pursed his lips and leaned forward, kissing Simmons. The man opened and closed his mouth several times, doing his best imitation of a fish, and Ratchet simply tilted his simulated head to the side.

"Merry Christmas, Reginald."

He brushed past the speechless human, getting the box. When he turned back the ex-agent was nowhere in sight. Two hours later he would get a questioning email from Will about sexual harassment, and would quickly and promptly explain himself.

* * *

"Miles…"

"Robots!"

"I'm really sorry."

"Robots, Sam!"

"Incredibly sorry."

"I just got molested by a robot!"

"So, _so_ incredibly sorry."

"WHY THE HELL WAS I MOLESTED BY A ROBOT?"

"…He's new here?"


	32. Trent

**AN: **A lot of people seem to want me to work on Keeping Warm, but that may take awhile if it ever happens. Zero inspiration for it. So if you guys want to see anything else or have any ideas, go ahead and suggest them. Thanks for any and all reviews.  
**Prompt: **How being gay leads to Trent living with Miles Lancaster

* * *

**_Trent_**

TV, books, magazines, adults, all of them said the same thing. Alcohol was something to drown your sorrows in. Trent was only just beginning to realize what a huge fucking lie that was, or did he have to drink even more of the damn stuff? He was pretty sure his throat was completely raw by now, the whiskey a kind of burn he had never experienced before, the pain of it the only thing actually working to help tamper his anger, because fuck all if the empty bottles were doing anything besides making him angrier.

He'd stumbled out of the bar about five minutes ago, trying to think about what the fuck he should do. A bag full of everything he owned, well everything he'd deemed important enough to take, which was clothes. He couldn't even keep his truck, his baby, something he personally had put many hours of work on. He'd been kicked out, because apparently his parents were only supportive when he wasn't a "freaky little fag" that "went against God", and he had no idea where he was going.

He was trashed, that much was obvious even as he was in the actual condition, tongue so thick in his own mouth that it slurred his speech, couldn't even put a coherent thought together anyway, really, and vision blurry enough that he'd ran into the alleyway wall he'd found himself in, opting to lean against it as he tried to recall just how he'd gotten there and when he'd stopped paying attention.

There was a low barking sound, startling Trent into almost staggering forward as he craned to look at where he thought the noise come from, squinting his ears blearily and watching as one of the biggest fucking dogs he'd ever seen came towards him, tail wagging and tongue lolling out of a giant mouth, every indication of loving dog including a collar around it's neck, and Trent was too drunk to actually care if the canine was or wasn't nice, even if he had been afraid of them after he'd been bit at the age of five by his Aunt's teacup Chihuahua.

The Mastiff came up to him and made the same low barking sound, canting it's head to the side and just giving Trent this fucking _look_, and despite the fact that the old fear was coming back around he stuck a hand out, barely daring to breathe as a massive tongue darted out and licked his hand, surprising him. Trent grinned stupidly, patting the dog a little too roughly on it's head, but the dog put up with it, panting and wagging it's tail even more. He leaned against the brick wall again, continuing to pet the dog.

"Mason, there you are!"

Trent didn't jump at this sound, just looked up and squinted at the figure coming towards him and the dog. Definitely a male from the voice, but hell if he would have known because of how dark it was, the fact that some girls had little to no chest at all, and the hair being longer than Trent would normally see on a guy. As he got closer Trent recognized him, hazel eyes darting from the Mastiff, apparently named Mason, to give Trent a curious look.

He knew the boy, from school, but try as he might he couldn't work up a name. Knew the last name as Lancaster, Witwicky's fucking friend, remembered him climbing that damned tree at the lake the day Mikaela left him as if he was the missing link in the evolutionary chain. Something with an M, wasn't it? Maybe an i after that? An odd name, one Trent hadn't heard before, but not unusual enough to make him give attention to the other. Long hair though, maybe a girl's name? A hippie name? Millie? Was Millie right?

Trent was just staring at Miles as he tried to think of the other teen's name, and Miles shifted a little uneasily under the gaze, drawing Trent from his thoughts.

"Uh, sorry if he was bothering you," Miles said weakly.

"Wusn't bathin' m-"

Trent went and pushed himself off the wall, only learning what a bad idea this was when his world gave a sudden lurch as he overbalanced, falling into Miles a bit but hardly noticing as his head spun and his stomach decided it was a wonderful idea to empty itself, a bleary thought to turn his head so he didn't puke all over whatever the fuck his name was, just barely managing it before he was retching. Miles made a mild sound of disgust, and Trent would have said something snappish if he wasn't dry heaving, thanking God there wasn't much for him to throw up, and even then there was that small voice in the back of his mind, that still somehow rational but quiet part telling him that he'd be fairly disgusted if someone were puking their guts out near him.

It wasn't until he was done dry heaving, wiping his mouth and spitting a few times to try to rid himself of the taste even while he panted, that he realized that Miles was actually still bothering to try and hold him upright from when he'd fallen on him, even trying to comfort him if the gentle patting motions on his back were anything to go by, though it made him think of a fucking baby getting burped instead.

Trent rasped an apology, trying to right himself, though Miles was doing a good deal of the work in getting him upright. He was just about to explain he was drunk when his attention was caught by Mason edging closer to the vomit and- Trent opted for a rough laugh and closing his eyes, because if he looked or thought about it he was likely to try and puke again.

"Oh, God, no Mason, we do not eat that! Gross!"

Trent found himself losing his balance as Miles stopped holding him in favor of going to Mason to get the Mastiff away from the substance on the ground, letting out a loud curse as he tried to catch himself and was unable to, letting out a grunt when he hit the ground and stared up at the sky, too dizzy to do anything more than black out.

* * *

When Trent woke up he groaned loudly, head pounding, the bad taste in his mouth not doing anything to improve his mood. He cracked one eye open, closing it immediately at the too bright light that just made his head hurt worse, but he opened it again knowing he had to resign himself to finding out where the hell he had ended up. Once the intensity faded just enough Trent felt safe to peak his other eye open, staring at a white ceiling. He had no idea where he was.

"There's some water and two Tylenol on the coffee table beside you," The voice drew Trent's attention, his eyes searching out Miles, standing in a doorway. "If you think you can stomach it I have breakfast cooking in the kitchen."

And then Miles retreated back to the kitchen, leaving Trent to figure out where he was on his own. Seeing the scrawny blonde was a big indication that Trent was probably at his house, though he couldn't remember how he'd been dragged there. He wasn't sure if that was a blessing in disguise or not.

Trent sat up, realizing he had been lying on the couch and that it wasn't the least bit comfortable, but it was probably better than passed out in an alley somewhere. He quickly grabbed the water and two pills, popping them in his mouth and downing the glass. He glanced around the living room, noticing his bag in the corner, and noting that it was open. Looking down he realized Miles must have taken the time to change his clothes, or at least his shirt. Trent didn't mind too much, he'd probably reeked of alcohol, and he thought he could remember puking at one point.

He stood up, trudging his way to the kitchen and just watching Miles. The smaller teen only spared him a glance, seeming to ignore him for the most part as he moved around the small kitchen and cooked. The dog from the night before, Mason if he was remembering correctly, laid on the floor under the table, giving a small wag when Trent looked but not bothering to move his intent gaze from his master, ready to pick up anything dropped. The smell of pancakes, eggs, and bacon hit Trent all at once. It looked like the works, and Trent hadn't realized how hungry he was until the smell hit him. Screw whether or not his stomach could handle it, he was having at least two plates.

"Who's Millie?"

It took Trent a second to process the question, and even then he still didn't understand it. "Huh?"

"Who's Millie?" Miles repeated, glancing at him again. "Last night, you kept mumbling that name. Did you break up with her or something?"

"Oh, I-" Trent cut himself off, not entirely sure whether he should actually say that he had thought Miles' name was Millie. He still didn't know what his first name was, just Mi and then Lancaster as a last name. "Er, I kind of thought it was yours. Being drunk, y'know."

"It's Miles." Miles told him, and Trent mentally called himself an idiot. Where had he even gotten Millie from?

"I knew that."

Miles gave him an amused look without saying anything, letting Trent know that he knew he was lying. He glowered momentarily, before deciding that the expression took too much energy, and Miles wasn't watching him anyway.

Instead Trent grabbed one of the cups off the table and went to the refrigerator, peering inside and finally deciding on some orange juice. Miles finished cooking, getting himself and Trent a plate. Both of them sat down without saying anything, eating their breakfast. It was only when Trent was halfway through his second plate, some minutes later, with a fork halfway to his mouth that he paused, brain finally kicking on and telling him he should really say something. Here he was, a relative stranger, and he'd been dragged home by the other boy, and now was being fed by him.

"Uhm, thanks." Trent said, Miles glancing up from his food in mild surprise. "For breakfast, and letting me spend the night."

Miles gave a small half shrug, "No problem. I don't mean to pry, but it basically looks like you have everything packed into that one bag. Are you running away or something?"

"Or something," Trent muttered, not bothering to clarify, preferring to just take it out on his remaining eggs with his fork.

"My parents are on their second honeymoon, and will be gone for a while. You can stay until they come back. If you want."

"Yeah?" Trent asked in surprise, before nodding. "Yeah, that'd be great. I can like, pay, or some shit, if you want."

"Nah," Miles got up and took his plate to the sink, "We have a guest room you can use. Just shove all the random crap in the closet if it bothers you."

"Thanks," Trent said, "Really, thanks a lot."

Miles just nodded, coming and grabbing Trent's plate as well before going back to the sink. Trent just watched the smaller blonde, not sure what to feel but surprised at the situation. Last night he hadn't had anywhere to go, especially not after his brilliant idea of drowning his sorrows, and now he had a place to stay for… well, a while, at least. With a relative stranger, but it wasn't like Miles was a creeper or anything, they went to the same school. They didn't know each other, hell, he knew Witwicky better than he knew Miles, and he hated that boy. Miles was just background fuzz really, off the radar, except for the tree climbing at the park. Which now that he thought about it had probably been more to try to get Sam to go home then actually liking trees.

"You keep staring at me like that and I'm gonna think your staring at my ass," Miles said this lightly, tossing a grin over his shoulder.

"So what if I am?" Trent growled, "What would it fucking matter? You hate fags or something; think you're better than them? It would be the biggest compliment you ever got if I was staring at your ass!"

Miles' eyes widened a bit, and for a moment he just stared like that, making Trent even angrier, and causing the jock to turn around. Miles had meant it as a joke, but something inside of Trent just snapped at the comment, because it wasn't just too close to the mark, it hit the mark perfectly. Fucking nobody blonde trying to be nice and ease the damn tension when he could have just left it alone.

"Is that what happened with your parents?" Miles asked it so softly that Trent would have missed it if he wasn't waiting for some kind of response, though he had been more expecting a swift kick out of the other's house if anything.

"It's none of your damned business," Trent gritted out between clenched teeth.

That was enough of an answer on its own, though, and Trent hated that. He didn't know how Miles would react, had thought he knew how his parents would react but he had been wrong there, so when the blonde moved closer and tentatively put a hand on his shoulder, Trent nearly flinched out of his grip.

"If that's what floats your boat that's your business, Trent. Sam's gay."

"_Witwacky's_ a homo?" Trent looked back in pure disbelief, "But he had Mikky."

"So did you, but they didn't work, and there was-" Miles hesitated for the first time that morning, "Well, it's not important. I'm just going to make three main assumptions: the first being that you told your parents, the second being they didn't accept and kicked you out, and the third being that you weren't actually staring at my ass."

Trent snorted at the last one, but nodded anyway. Miles was right on all three accounts.

"So, here's what I'm going to suggest we do. We're gonna go to your house, get more than two pairs of clothes, especially something better than that stained shirt." He glared at Miles, but the blonde just smirked back, wrapping an arm around his shoulder in a friendly manner. They weren't friends, or hadn't been yesterday afternoon, but it was comforting. "And then we are going to go have some fun. I'm not really into the whole tackle football thing, so how about we get Mikky and Sam, or not Sam, your preference, and head to the movies."

"Sure… and thanks."

"Don't thank me just yet, DeMarco. We haven't gotten past the hard part, yet."

* * *

Miles didn't really know what he was doing when he found Trent the night before, had only run across him because Mason had managed to slip away, but taking the jock home had seemed like the best idea. Thank God his mom hadn't been home, she would have freaked out. It had been hard enough getting her to let Hound to stay in the garage; he didn't want to imagine the aneurism she'd have over him bringing home a drunk teenager he barely knew.

Trent was gay. That was a huge surprise, especially considering that he had dated Mikaela, one of the hottest girls he'd ever seen. Then again, Sam had dated Mikaela after him, and now he wasn't even in the same species anymore. Sam was dating Bumblebee, and since the mech identified himself with the he pronoun and had a male holoform, Miles just told Trent that Sam was gay, too.

After deciding to let Trent stay, he really had only two things to do, besides calling Will and begging the Captain to do some damage control with his parents. One was to go and get Trent some more clothes and such, maybe a toothbrush or two. The other was to get Hound to play non sentient car.

Miles looked outside at the jeep sitting innocently in the driveway while Trent explored his temporary home, noticing Hound flash his lights. Yeah, right. There was no way Trent wasn't finding out about the Cybertronians, not between Hound and Bumblebee. Well, the more the merrier.


	33. Kittens!

**Plot: **Even Cybertronians can't defy the cuteness that is kittens. Sam just doesn't like how they're naming them.

* * *

**_Kittens!_**

"Sam's friend Miles found them and-"

"No."

"-they need a good home, because they were just left to die on the side of the road-"

"Bumblebee, no."

"-and one of them was already dead so Miles got really upset then Sam got really upset and Miles had to leave them with Sam because he has that big Mastiff and the shelter he volunteers for wouldn't be open until the morning and-"

"I said no, Bee!"

One thing being on Earth had taught Bumblebee was the 'puppy dog eyes', as the humans so called it. He'd seen Sam use it many times when getting in possible trouble with his parents if his mother was there, the slight widening of eyes that read 'do you hate me?', and Judy fell for it every time. Ron seemed to be immune, and he knew that Ratchet would be as well. But there was someone even better than Ratchet he could use the look on.

"Please, Optimus?" Bumblebee turned to his Prime, widening his optics the same way he'd seen Sam do and trying to make them read the same way as the teen's could, setting his doorwings to a light tremble to amp it up a notch just in case he couldn't. Mikaela had called him cute many times, and it sometimes paid off to be the 'baby' of the Autobots. He saw Optimus shutter his optics and knew he had him. "They need a really good home, and any human they go to might just abuse them, or separate them!"

"Slag." Apparently Ratchet realized just what he was doing, and that the Prime was already in.

"Well, I suppose I do not see the harm." Optimus tried to say neutrally to appease both Scout and Medic, but that was lost when Bumblebee showed him the box with the kittens in it, the Prime's optics lighting up just like his own had. "They are quite adorable, as the organics would say, and they would be good for moral to both organic soldiers and mechs alike. And it is like Bumblebee said, here we know they can remain safe and won't be separated, won't lose any more brothers."

Ratchet vented sharply, glancing in the box as well. "Fine, but they do not go in the Medbay or in Wheeljack's lab."

* * *

Bumblebee warbled happily, carefully putting the box on one servo and gently picking out kittens with the other, giving three to Optimus, the Prime oh so carefully cradling the mewling kittens. He gave two to Ironhide and one to Ratchet, making six in total, though the seventh had been lost before Miles had managed to find them. Ratchet tried to look disinterested in the kitten he was holding, but the kitten started to explore and Bumblebee could practically see the hard Spark melt into a puddle of goo when it mewled at him.

Sam walked in with some basic goods for the cats, formula and easy chew cat food for them as they were little, and toys and such included, as well as bedding. Optimus was directing him to the hangar where the kittens would be kept, though Sam knew that the chance of that happening was slim, when it happened.

"Oh, here comes Megatron!"

Sam froze mid-step, eyes widening as his heart picked up a bit in fear. What the hell was Optimus doing? He sounded so happy and it was _Megatron_! The teen turned, not quite sure what he was expecting, when he saw one of the kittens coming straight towards them. His mind blanked for a minute before he realized that the kitten was Megatron.

"You… you named a kitten after Megatron?" Sam asked in disbelief. Optimus didn't notice as he picked Megatron up and cuddled him close.

"Indeed. We also have Starscream, though the others have yet to be named."

* * *

A week later and Bumblebee had dragged Sam to the base so they could visit the kittens, Sam alternating between slight amusement and continuous sneezing as he was affected by the pet hair. Bumblebee was carrying two of the kittens, dubbed Starscream and Megatron as they almost always fought, when they entered the rec-room to find Skids and Mudflap in the middle of another fight, Sideswipe and Prowl watching with a stormy look on their faceplates.

The frontliner walked over to them when he spotted them and took Starscream from Bumblebee, and before Bumblebee or Sam could even process it, moved over to the squabbling brothers and set the kitten down in between them in the blink of an eye. Sam gasped, but he had no reason to be afraid, as it was almost comical how quickly Skids and Mudflap stopped absolutely everything, clinging on to each other in a reason besides anger now, as to avoid squashing little Starscream who looked up at them both and mewled in greeting.

Prowl shuttered his optics in surprise, "Amazing. We should have gotten those felines earlier."


	34. Score

**AN:** Been awhile since I updated this and this is just a stupid little short. Thanksgiving break, so I might update a bit more.  
**Plot:** It's Mikaela's birthday and Sam scores, while Miles finds out about those big wobots.

* * *

**_Score_**

Sam had been planning this moment for the better part of four months, ever since they'd officially gotten together a week after Mission City. Bumblebee had helped him search for odd jobs to make money, and Miles, who had a job even before Sam got Bumblebee and had a good deal of cash saved for a reason he had never revealed to Sam, had chipped in to pay for half, on the threat of Sam's life should he fail to pay it back in the next two years. It was Mikaela's birthday, and he loved her and wanted to give her the world. Or as much of the world as a teenager whose car happened to be a kick ass robot could give.

And given that Mikaela did appreciate clothes and making sure she looked good, Sam had gotten her a necklace. Maybe a bit too nice for normal wear, but he was sure that she could find an occasion to use it on, or just wouldn't care. To him, she looked beautiful all the time, even when she had grease on her face. In part, he knew she didn't want to be treated like a delicate little girl, but at the same time did. Some days she appreciated him opening doors for her and other days she'd smirk at him while she opened the jar of pickles that he couldn't. It was all very confusing, but as he wasn't the manliest of guys and couldn't make heads or tails of Bumblebee's engine, and Mikaela was the hottest girl he had ever met but also somehow the roughest, they worked.

His parents were gone for the night and he had started cooking dinner for two, inviting Mikaela to come over at eight or so. The only problem with Sam cooking them a nice dinner was that he easily got distracted, and so it was really no surprise that he accidentally set the dishtowel which he'd left lying part way on the oven on fire. As he panicked and tried to figure out how best to put out the fire, Mikaela walked in early, Miles following after her.

While Sam just stared at the two of them in shock the smoke detector had started going off, Miles pushed him away from the kitchen counter and quickly put the laming dishtowel in the sink, turning the faucet on and opening the window to wave away the smoke. Sam would have helped, but Mikaela had noticed the blue box with her name on it and opened it, glancing up at him in shock.

"Er, I was gonna wait until after the cake to give it to you, but happy bir-" Sam was cut off by Mikaela kissing him, and he didn't hesitate at all before kissing her back and pulling her close.

"Oh, fuckin' hell." Miles griped, "I swear to God if you two get any more adorable I'm just gonna throw up."

Mikaela and Sam both decided to ignore Miles in favor of each other, and Miles moved on to throw the dishtowel out now that the fire had been extinguished, brushing past them and jostling them on purpose on his way to the garage. Neither of them thought anything of it until Miles opened the door and froze.

"What is it _now_, Mil-" Mikaela turned to give their friend an annoyed look, and Sam begrudgingly turned with her.

To see Bumblebee in his bipedal form, folded down towards the ground and face as close to the door as possible. Bumblebee had apparently been ease dropping to see how Mikaela liked the gift, as he had helped Sam pick it out, and hadn't expected Miles to be there or go for the garage before he could shift back into his Camaro form. Which left him staring at Miles with the same expression that Sam had whenever he was caught sneaking cookies from the cookie jar; a guilty, 'I know I'm screwed', expression.

"Hello," Bumblebee greeted after a minute of awkward silence.

Miles just smiled and slowly closed the garage door again. Sam groaned, knowing that he'd have to break the news to his best friend now, but when he went to move forward a pair of slim arms stopped him.

"Let Bumblebee handle him," Mikaela whispered into his ear, "How'd you like to see me with this necklace on?"

"I can see you with it on later, Bumb-"

Mikaela turned away, tossing a smirk over her shoulder. "In your room."

Oh. _Oh._ Sam gave Miles and Bumblebee both a mental apology before following Mikaela upstairs. Half way up the stairs they could hear Bumblebee rap on the garage door three times, knocking. Mikaela started to snicker when Miles voice drifted up to them, telling Bumblebee that no one was home.


	35. Score 2 point 0

**Plot: **Miles' pov of Mikaela's birthday, because it needed to be done. I'm not even sorry. Happy Thanksgiving!

* * *

_**Score 2.0**_

It was Mikaela's birthday, and as soon as Miles followed her into the kitchen of the Witwicky household it was a little more than obvious that when Sam had texted her to come over he had never been included in that, but whatever. Sam and Mikaela had both ditched him more than once for the other; it was awkward being a third wheel for them anyway. He would have just wished Mikaela a happy birthday and left if it hadn't been for the fact that Sam had managed to catch something on fire and instead of putting it out was staring at them with a deer in the headlights expression.

Being the amazing friend he was, he pushed Sam out of the way, maybe a little rougher than necessary, and took care of the flaming dishtowel himself. It was easy, really, just pick it up between pointer and thumb and then toss it in the sink, run the water, and open the windows to let the smoke out. The smoke detectors were already going off, so it's not like he had to worry about that. Then he tried to rescue what was left of the food, but really, Sam was a horrible cook. They'd be better off dumpster diving.

By the time he turned around Mikaela had already discovered her birthday present from Sam, some expensive ass necklace that Miles had half paid for because he was that amazing, and no one could stand up against the Witwicky pout.

"Er, I was gonna wait until after the cake to give it to you, but happy bir-" Sam said nervously, only to be kissed by Mikaela, and Miles rolled his eyes when Sam pulled her closer.

"Oh, fuckin' hell." He griped, "I swear to God if you two get anymore adorable I'm just gonna throw up."

Miles wasn't too surprised when they both ignored him, and he just grabbed the now ruined dishtowel, going by them and jostling them on purpose on his way to the garage, where the Witwickys kept their trash cans. It was an action he'd done many times, he'd been over to the Witwicky household a lot after all, and nothing yet had changed the routine of open door, lean over the little two steps and stretch until he could reach the trash cans and dump whatever it was inside.

Nothing had changed, that is, until now, when he opened the garage door to a giant metal face. Miles froze, staring with wide eyes at the thing that stared back with blue eyes, or would it be optics? He wasn't sure; he just knew that connected to the face was a whole entire body. A big, metal body. One that had the same exact color and racing stripes that belonged to Sam's Camaro. What. The. Hell.

"What is it _now_, Mil-" Mikaela started to snap, but cut herself off, obviously seeing the same thing he was seeing.

The metal robot thing had the grace to look ashamed, and it suddenly hit Miles that the thing had probably been listening in. That could only mean that it probably was Sam's car, somehow, and that was even worse than it being a robot from out of nowhere. He'd been in that car how many times? Bro-to-bro talks with Sam, the first ever decent talk that he'd actually had with Mikaela when they both agreed to stop being assholes to each other as Sam loved them both, though in two completely different ways.

"Hello," The metal thing, Sam's fucking _car_, greeted after a few long minute.

Well, fuck that. Miles smiled at the robot thing and closed the garage the door right in it's face. From behind him he heard Sam groan, the same groan that Miles had started calling his _oh fuck how do I explain this to them_ groan, because he'd used it often during that summer they'd decided to be somewhat wild and get into a few crazy things, whenever he'd realized that he'd have to tell his parents exactly why they had to go to the hospital to see their son who'd gotten a dislocated shoulder hopping fences. And Mikaela wasn't freaking out, so that was another thing. They both knew what this was.

He stared at the garage door for a minute, dimly hearing Mikaela say something about letting Bumblebee handle him and then asking if he wanted to see her with the necklace on. Even in his shocked state Miles knew exactly what Mikaela was referring to, but Sam obviously didn't, since he protested until Mikaela mentioned his room, and then they were both running for the stairs. Those assholes were really just going to leave him like this!

There was a loud rap on the garage door, and it startled Miles badly, making him jump. It happened another time, and he realized that the robot-thingy was _knocking_, but his knocking was more of a loud thump that shook the whole door, and Miles absentmindedly wondered if the door would break. A third rap made him realize that the thing probably wanted him to open it, so he said the first thing that he could think of.

"No one's home!"

Even as the last word left his mouth, Miles felt stupid saying it. It didn't help that he could hear Mikaela start to snicker on the stairs. That bitch. He was totally going to give her a coupon for ten free shopping trips where he held the bags, too. As if, now.

As if a robot thing in his best friend's garage wasn't enough of a shock, the blonde man who then opened the garage door with an annoyed expression that clearly showed he wasn't trying to be annoyed but was failing horribly. Miles knew this guy; he'd seen Sam talking to him. _Sonofabitch_, up close it was obvious that the stranger wasn't human, somehow. The eyes were a little too blue, the body a little too stiff, like it didn't know how to hold itself. And the robot face was hovering just inches behind and above not-human's shoulder, it's facial expression matching the not-human's.

"_I HOPE YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX!_"

Not-human blonde and his eyes widened at the same time as Mikaela's words registered, and Miles decided that, somehow, robots were better than possibly hearing his best friend do the naughty, even if he could hear Sam half-protesting.

Miles closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then looked not-human dead in the eyes. "Wanna go see a movie?"

Both the fake human's and the robot's face immediately had the same expression, something akin to relief, and they both nodded.

"Cool." Miles turned slightly towards the stairs, "HEY, SAM, I'M TAKING YOUR ROBOT ON A DATE!"

"_HAVE HIM BACK BY MIDNIGHT; WE SHOULD BE DONE BY THEN!_" Mikaela responded for Sam.

"CAN DO! HAVE FUN, SLUT!"

"_YOU TOO,_ _ASSHOLE!_"

Miles grinned, turning back to the not-human and the robot, who wore matching expressions of disbelief. He slipped past the non-human, noting that he felt solid which was totally cool, and ducked under the hovering robot. He went and pressed the button that made the double garage doors slide open, now knowing why they had a two car garage but only ever used it for Sam's Camaro anymore. Then he turned around to find not-human and robot-thingy still staring at him in disbelief.

"Well?" Miles asked, "Aren't you gonna change, or whatever it is, so we can go?"

The robot-thingy immediately shifted back down into the Camaro, but the not-human kept staring at him.

"Humans are weird," The not-human thing finally muttered.

"You have no idea, ro-bro." Miles replied with a shrug, going around to the passenger's side of the Camaro.


	36. Christmas

**AN: **Merry Christmas to one and all! (Or whatever you celebrate!)  
**Plot: **The Autobot's first Christmas on Earth and Miles paints them a mural. Why Miles? Because he already looks like a hippie and making him a good painter just makes it better.

* * *

**_Christmas_**

Optimus took his early morning walk around the base, knowing that with the day off he'd given everyone for Christmas that most people, and mechs, would be sleeping in. Ratchet he knew was up, organizing his Medbay, and he was sure he'd heard a minor explosion from Wheeljack's lab, but he'd not heard anything from Bumblebee, Ironhide, or Jazz, who had been brought back with the shard of the Allspark he'd taken from Megatron's chest, so he assumed they were still in recharge.

One nice thing about Nevada was that even during winter it didn't get too cold, especially near Tranquility, which was where the Autobot base was located. It had snowed before, but it had already melted, much to some of his organic's disappointment. Another nice thing was the remoteness that the desert provided, few organics opting to traverse it for fun. Of course they had an outer fence surrounding the base, and underground sensors even beyond that to alert them, but most of the time they didn't have to worry.

The Prime took a moment to revel in the silence, turning the corner and coming to a halt immediately. Spotting the mural was a huge shock to his systems, lost in his own thoughts as he was. For an instant, looking at it, he truly felt like he was right back on Cybertron, before the war had started. Before his planet had died. The painting didn't seem to be of a particular place, like Tyger Pax, Praxus, or Iacon, and somehow that made it even better, because he'd seen all of those cities laid to waste in the Great War, had the greatness that they once were forever tainted in his memory.

Tapered off to the farthest end of the mural was something that was wholly amazing on its own, even had the symbolism of it not been there. Rough metal and different shades of gray just melted, blended, into gentle greens of vegetation. Cybertron just transformed fluidly into Earth, the transition seamless and yet noticeable at the same time. On the Earth section of the mural was the sun, casting it's rays over Earth and even beyond, lighting up Cybertron as a light source. Earth, their new home. The ray of hope for his species.

And, somehow seeming to just complete it, there was one of his organics sitting at the end of the mural, working diligently on the piece that must have taken a good few hours already. Miles Lancaster sat, filling the last little bit of undetailed space on the wall. The teen had his hair put up in a messy ponytail, some strands still managing to fall out and annoy him enough that he would occasionally blow them out of his face, but not enough to take the time to actually do something about them. From what Optimus could see there was paint all over him, his hands, his shoes, his pants, shirt, and even face from what little he could see of it. The Prime watched the young organic work for nearly an hour without saying anything or moving, not wanting to startle him as he brushed on one layer only to add another or correct something.

And when Miles finally stopped, dropping his brush in some sort of tin can, standing and enjoying a long and probably much needed stretch, he turned around and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Optimus, and the Prime realized that the young organic hadn't even realized he was there. Optimus shuttered his optics in amusement, knowing he was anything but quiet, and enjoyed the sheepish glance around Miles did to check that nothing else had slipped into his surroundings without him noticing.

"This is your Christmas present, Optimus." Miles said after a moment, tone soft, tilting his head ever so slight as if to gauge the Prime's reaction. "One, somewhat-big, painting to all of the Autobots because fuck if I know what else to get y'all."

Optimus shuttered his optics in surprise, knowing that with the given date it was a human holiday, one of the most celebrated of the year, but he had not thought he would be included in it. Then again, the mural wasn't just for him, was it? All of his 'bots could see it whenever they walked by, a little bit of home on this strange new planet they had to inhabit, somehow perfectly showcasing what they had with what they have, both Earth and Cybertron done with an equal amount of skill and love, great in their own right, but Cybertron took up the most space while Earth had the light.

Optimus' optics found the painting once more. "Your skill is great. You did all of this in one night?"

"I had Sam fetching paints and brushes for me and help with the initial bottom layer," Miles replied, grinning. "I believe he passed out somewhere near but not quite in the barracks."

Which Optimus immediately understood as Sam just being lazy and going for Bumblebee instead of walking another two minutes to his own actual bed. Those two were getting into an awful habit of sleeping with each other, and already Optimus had heard Bumblebee say it was easier to recharge with Sam in him. Sometimes he wondered just how close those two really were. Optimus vented softly in exasperation, just managing to not roll his optics, an awful habit he'd picked up from Will.

"Merry Christmas, Miles, and thank you." The Prime looked at the teen, kneeling to be closer to his height. "This means more than you could ever know."

"Merry Christmas to you, too, big guy."


	37. Bumblebee's Guide

**An: **Okay, going to slowly start trying to get back onto here after my hiatus. Sorry for the wait, and if you read some of my other stories I will be trying to work on them too.

* * *

_**Base wide Communication:  
From: Autobot Scout Bumblebee, Guardian of Samuel Witwicky.  
Bumblebee's Guide to Humans (Pt 1/?)**_

_Human terms that do not necessarily mean what you may think:_

1) I'd hit that.  
_-This is most often a sexual pass. So, no, Ironhide, when Epps said this in regards to Maggie it was not 'necessary' to tackle him with your holoform to protect her._

2) That's cool orIt's cool.  
_-Various forms of this phrase, but despite what it should say in regards to temperature humans often use it to say that something is slagging awesome. Do not adjust the temperature inside of you to better suite them if they say it._

3) My head is going to explode  
_-An exaggeration. There is no recorded reason of human heads exploding without due cause._

4) He's on fire.  
_-Not literal, means he's doing a good job and possibly doing it quickly. So, no, Ratchet, Will wasn't actually on fire._

5) Spanking the monkey.  
_-Sam has refrained from explaining this one to me, but there are no monkeys on base nor would we let the humans spank them without due reason._

6) *insert name here*'s happy time.  
_-Pretty sure this is a sexual reference when used by men or regarding males, but Sam has refused comment on this as well._

7) So hungry I could eat a horse.  
_-Physically impossible for a human to eat a whole horse. Exaggeration of hunger._

8) That's gay, he's gay, she's gay.  
-_Gay means happy, but humans interchange it to mean homosexuality. Use the context of the situation to pick which._

9) Eating out, blow job.  
_-More sexual terms Sam refuses to explain to me. If enough want to know I'll ask Mikaela or Miles._

10) You almost gave me a heart attack!  
_-Generally used when a human is scared. Do not, I repeat, do not take them to Ratchet. They are not really about to have a heart attack._

_What not to do __ever__:_

1) Go on the internet and look up any sexual things regarding humans or even animals. It can give you a virus, and most humans are uncomfortable when asked about what fetishes they might have or if they like pain.

2) Go on the internet and look up 'fandom', 'slash', 'het', 'otp', or a-Just don't google anything unless mature content is blocked.

3) Click on any link that Robert Epps, my charge, Miles, Glen, Fig, or any of the soldiers/civilians on Prowl's Glitch List.  
_-Once again, make sure mature content is blocked on whatever search engine you're using, but watch out for Miles and Glen specifically. They know how to get around that safety measure, somehow, which continuously causes Prowl to crash and Ratchet to get pissed._

4) Don't go on the internet unless it is a link from Captain Will Lennox or a search engine where the safety is on.

5) Don't ask a human anything about fandom, slash, het, otp, or any other weird phrase you might hear unless it is Mikaela, Maggie, or Mrs. Lennox, and only on Saturday's around eleven when they have their girl time.

6) Do not ever ask 'Why?' when a human does something you deem stupid. Most of the time you don't want to know.

7) Do not ask what a human might mean when he/she says they ship us.

8) Do not ask why certain humans ship Sam and I, Sam and Optimus, Sam and- Sam is currently in a relationship with Mikaela Banes and they are both happy.  
_-Scratch that, he didn't notice her new haircut and she got mad at him._

9) Human femmes are confusing, as you might see above in number 8. Never call any of them superficial, shallow, materialistic, or any other degrading term even if they are acting as such. Optimus Prime has little power against them.

10) Humans can have various mates during their lifetime. Do not scoff at their idea of a Sparkmate. Will and Sarah are considered Sparkmates.

11) Question a warning Will gives you. Captain Lennox is one of the humans truly looking out for us, even against our allies on this base. Epps will send you to the twins, either set, and the others can be bribed.

12) Put bets on what humans will get together.

13) Put bets on what humans will get on a fight.

14) Claim a human.  
_-Sam doesn't understand that when I say 'mine' it means platonically but that I would still die for him. Humans._

15) Get on Will's bad side. No one can save you then, not even Optimus.


End file.
